I Just Want to Smile… October 29, 2009
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, hormones, transition, transsexual.1 comment so far
Thursday, October 29th 2:40 pm
When I was on the bus coming into work this morning I watched the frowning faces of all the unhappy people reflected on the window as they walked into the bus.
Then I looked at myself in the window and realized that I didn’t want that to be my reflection to the world too.
I want to be happy and optimistic about life.
I resolve not to frown anymore!!
Love,
Marybeth
Coming Home October 25, 2009
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, hope, transition, transsexual.3 comments
Sunday, October 25th 6:24 am
Good morning everyone!!!
It is a relatively nice six degrees Celsius outside this morning but the wind is blowing so I’m inside typing away. I love to write outside but when it is windy, I just don’t have the stamina to stay outside for long. So here I am snuggly ensconced in bed with a scented candle for light and a warm mocha for sustenance and inspiration – I love Sunday mornings!!!
I have much to write about this week. I must apologize for missing last week’s entry but sometimes life gets too hectic and heavy to take the time to write. Now that I am writing I realize that I should have taken the time though, it seems like writing takes my worries away!
Last week my good friend returned back from some time with her family in Halifax and felt a bit homesick as she readjusted to life in Ottawa. Ottawa is a nice city but it isn’t always a very friendly city and after being in the warm embrace of her family for a week I think coming back was a bit of a letdown for her.
As I think about my future and about my ‘home’ in Ottawa I realize that I’ve never really felt ‘at home’ anywhere.
I think the town I grew up in is about as close to a home as I’ve ever had but since I never allowed myself the freedom to fully be myself I never felt totally comfortable there. I had a big secret that I desperately wanted to share but was too scared too. A significant part of me never lived there, or in any of the other places that I frequented over the years.
In Ottawa I finally found the courage and support I needed to fully accept myself. I am finally getting to express my whole self and it is very exhilarating!
These past months of living full time have been a slow learning curve. I started out very conservatively at work, not wanting to shock anyone. I wore flats for the first couple of months and then progressed to heels. I wore conservative jewellery for many months and now I am wearing more interesting combinations of accessories. I haven’t yet worn a skirt or dress to work but I know I will in the next few weeks since I just bought a great below the knee dress that fits with a suit I have been wearing regularly!! I am experimenting with different approaches to give my hair more volume and have been playing around with different make-ups like eyeshadow to make my face more feminine.
After so many years of harshly repressing any bit of femininity that I had, I am feeling more and more comfortable letting it all come out.
That was one of the reasons why I didn’t write last week. My friend (rather harshly), reminded me that after a year of knowing me it still seemed to her that I wasn’t fully expressing my femininity. I tried to rationalize that I was being careful and that I didn’t want to overdo it, etc… but in the end I realized that she was right. I had been holding myself back.
I think that the old me, the part of me that ferociously protected the scared little girl for so many years, was still trying to protect me from harm.
He had his purpose and I thank him for all the work he did but his time is over. I may lean on him for support from time to time but I am growing stronger every day.
I am slowly becoming the woman I knew I was ever since I was a little girl.
He was my protector but I can make my own decisions and fight my own battles now.
I am not afraid of myself anymore.
The last year has been a rush of exploring and expressing myself. Though the floodgates had opened I still felt some apprehension about letting myself fully be.
It was like it was too good to be true and I didn’t want to ruin it by being too greedy.
But it is true.
And it is good.
And it is my life now!
So Ottawa is the place I chose to transition in but Ottawa will never really be home to me.
There are too many memories here.
Too many stark reminders of the person I tried to be but ultimately couldn’t sustain.
The relationships that I built here before I transitioned were based on a fundamental untruth. I lied to myself and to the many others whom I came to know.
Next year I will have my defining operation and I will officially be female.
No more little secrets.
No more hidden shame.
I will finally, after a lifetime of struggle, be at home with myself.
And then it will be time to find myself a place to live where there won’t be any reminders of my lie.
And I will finally be ‘home’.
Love,
Marybeth
Changing Seasons October 12, 2009
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, equinox, friends, learning, transition, transsexual.add a comment
Monday, October 12th 5:49 am
Good morning everyone!
It is a clear and cool zero (!) degrees Celsius here this morning. It is the first day that it has been this cold this fall but it is supposed to drop into the minus five to six range later this week. I’m not sure if I am actually ready for these kinds of temperatures yet but given how the weather was this ‘summer’ I should be prepared for anything!!
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!
I can’t believe I almost let that one slip by!
I have so much to be thankful for this year!!!
Thank you everyone!!!!!
It has been a good long weekend for me so far (one more day left!). I have managed to get all of my chores done and out of the way – including a few that have been on the back-burner for a couple of months now. My apartment is now more or less de-cluttered and I have definite plans for sprucing it up.
Thanksgiving and Easter are my favourite holidays of the year. Coming as they do around the spring and fall equinoxes they are the harbingers of the warm and cold seasons. In the spring we come out of hibernation and in the fall we prepare for our annual retreat to the warmth of the hearth.
Being habitually introverted I welcome the feelings of security and coziness that come with the cooler weather. Curling up with a good book or watching a neat movie is very comforting.
I’m realizing now, since my transition, that I am actually more ‘habitually’ introverted than ‘naturally’ introverted.
It has been an interesting week. My good trans-friend has been spending a week with her family where she grew up. I spend a great deal of time with her so I expected that this long weekend would have been an ‘introvert’ weekend. I had plans to see my ex once and go out with another friend for dinner – but otherwise I would have had the weekend to myself.
It hasn’t turned out that way.
Since my trans-friend is on vacation I have been looking after her cat while my ex has been looking after my cat for me (a much better solution than putting her cat in a kennel for a week – I have really enjoyed getting to know ‘Verity’). My ex was having some troubles with my cat so I found myself visiting her more often than I expected. And, since she is going out of town overnight today, I will be dropping by her place to give my cat some company this afternoon too. All that to say that my ‘quiet’ weekend turned out to be anything but.
And I haven’t minded it one bit!
I had one full day to myself (a pyjama day!) and it was great! It gave me time to do all the chores I had been putting off. By the end of the day though, I was really looking forward to talking to someone.
And that’s the difference.
I used to be very content to do things by myself to the extent that I think I actually shunned company and ‘interruptions’.
I am still happy to have days to myself – I do enjoy my own company – but I find I look forward to sharing my thoughts, my feelings and my experiences much more than I ever used to.
I remember going deep into myself as a very young child – around about the same time I realized that my ‘natural inclinations’ were opposite to what they ‘should’ have been. I buried myself in books or took long walks and bike-rides alone.
I didn’t develop very good social skills because I always had to second guess myself. My social skills were really limited to what I needed to survive at school or work.
Since I have transitioned I usually don’t hesitate to express myself as often and I find that when I do second guess myself I make social gaffes (that was a very unusual thing for a woman to say or do…).
These days when I feel that I am climbing back into myself, for whatever reason, I force myself to stop and question why I am doing it (and I am often embarrassed by the reason).
I don’t need to hide from myself anymore.
I don’t need to hide myself from the world anymore.
Being introverted was a crutch I used to deal with a world which wanted me to be something I wasn’t.
Now that I have allowed myself to be who I always knew I was I don’t need to hide myself away in a cave anymore.
I need to get out in the sun and grow!
I will still need downtime now and then but it is time for me to explore the world and my life to my fullest potential!!
It is time for this butterfly to take wing and…
FLY!!!!
Old habits die hard but my ‘introversion’ is one that needs to be nailed tightly into a coffin and buried!!!
Love,
Marybeth
Relationships, Mistakes and Being True October 6, 2009
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, forgiveness, future, happiness, past, present, transition, transsexual.3 comments
Tuesday, October 6th 12:41 am
Good morning everyone!
It is late at night and I can’t sleep so I thought I would write something in my journal to get my feelings out of my head and down somewhere where I can deal with them.
I am having friendship difficulties again.
A close friend and I had an argument last night.
I am not sure that I have ever even had a friendship / relationship that I haven’t ruined because I imagined some sort of unreasonable obligation or had impossible expectations.
My friendships / relationships begin promisingly enough. I know I am a good listener, patient and generous with my time.
I see the best qualities in people because that is what I want to see and I am willfully blind of my own faults.
I want to make people happy so very often I see obligations or impose expectations on myself and others where they don’t exist.
I tried to make my parents happy by being what they wanted me to be. They had expectations that I knew I could never meet.
False family relations based on expectations that have been shattered by my transition.
I tried to make all the girls I ever knew happy by being what they wanted me to be. Even though I knew, deep down, those relationships would never progress beyond friendship.
False friendships based on the expectation of something I couldn’t provide.
I tried to convince all my male friends that I was just as ‘manly’ as they were by drinking too much and trying to fit in even though I was never very comfortable around them. What if they ever found out who / what I really was?
False friendships based on a comic book characterization of the man that I tried to be.
I went into counselling over five years ago to understand myself better. All I have ever wanted was to be a girl so my counselling sessions focussed on understanding that better and trying to convince myself that it wasn’t a deviant / horrible thing. Once I had accepted myself, I tried to save my existing relationships (marriage, job, etc…) so I put off going on hormones for years. Once I went on hormones my marriage dissolved and I was on my own.
A false marriage based on me trying to be a ‘husband’ that, deep down I knew I could never be.
For the first time in my life I am finally discovering who I was and who I really am but, aside from about five blissful years that I didn’t know I shouldn’t be the person I am, I don’t have much practice actually being me.
And I am making so many mistakes.
Everyone says that going through transition is like being a teenaged girl.
Except that for me, I so forcefully repressed who I was from such a young age, transition is like going from age six to age forty-one in less than a year.
I left my ex-wife just under a year ago to live on my own as a transsexual woman.
To say that this past year has been a colossal learning curve for me is a huge understatement.
I have made so many mistakes.
I am learning what it is like to be me – the real me.
What kind of a person am I?
What kind of a sister, daughter, friend, lover, colleague am I or might I be?
It has been an extremely blissful and extremely harrowing year for me.
I have confided in people I shouldn’t have.
I have betrayed confidences I shouldn’t have.
I have leaned on people to the point they have broken because I was/am so unsure of myself.
How does a forty-one year old woman explain to people that she has the mindset of a schoolgirl because she is dealing with her emotions for the first time in her life and they are so, so overwhelming?!!
I still don’t know the answer to that one.
I am running, stumbling as well as I can through elementary school, junior high and high school.
I stare at my body and wish that it would fill out.
I try so hard to fit in.
I care so much.
I care too much.
I have made so many mistakes.
I lie in bed at night, awake, wondering what I did wrong yesterday.
I have come such a long way since I moved into my apartment all those months ago but I still have so many more years to go to fully become the person I am – the girl, the woman I tried to extinguish for so, so many years.
I want to be the best sister, daughter, friend, colleague I can be!!
But maybe that is the nub of the problem?
I can’t be ‘anything’ to anybody.
I can only be true to myself.
‘God grant me the serenity….’
And please forgive me for all the mistakes that I know I have made and will continue to make along the way…
Love,
Marybeth
Fog, Stress and Serenity October 4, 2009
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, happiness, transition, transsexual.add a comment
Sunday, October 4th 5:48 am
Good morning everyone!
It is cool, humid, dark and foggy this morning as I sit out on my balcony writing. I have a cup of hot freshly ground, french press coffee (a weekend treat!) by my side and, though the fog obscures it right now, there is a full moon shining down on me.
I am up early this morning because I saw the moonlight shining through my window when I opened my eyes briefly to greet my already awake cat. I was initially annoyed at being woken up so early on the weekend but then I saw the moonlight and had to get outside to greet it.
I have been battling low energy lately due (I think) to the change in seasons here. I’ve never felt a seasonal change so profoundly as I am this year. It may be the hormones I am on or it may be the clothes I am wearing. Women’s clothes tend to be much more comfortable and lighter than men’s clothes so you have to wear more layers if you want to stay warm!
One of the most interesting things about transition I have discovered (so far) is that the very doing of it has forced me to question the many assumptions that I’ve had about my life until now. Until my transition I felt I was in the dutiful child / partner / friend / worker box. Having transitioned, I thought that I would naturally go back into those same boxes but it isn’t working out that way. Something fundamental has changed in each of those relationships and the way that I interact with the world.
I think that I see things more clearly now – as if the fog has lifted and I can see things for what they are in relation to me. I am much more aware of – and increasingly insistent on – what I want out of life. As with the decision to transition, I am learning to trust my intuition/instincts in any given situation and take action so that I am happy.
A trivial example of this happened yesterday when I tried to schedule another appointment with my electrolysis technician. I still have some facial hair that I need to get rid of so I go to see her every week. For the past month and a half or so I had been having misgivings about her attitude towards me and her care when she was doing my electrolysis so I was considering changing salons. I didn’t because I decided to ‘put up with it’ and continue on with her. I should have followed my instincts because yesterday when I wanted to schedule another session the following week, she couldn’t seem to find any time for me. Now I have to wait until two inconvenient times in November to use the last two sessions in the discount package I bought from this salon. No doubt those two sessions won’t be pleasant either.
Lesson learned (again…). It is better to take action than to stay in bad relationships and have things slowly deteriorate on their own.
It is a rather crucial life lesson that I am learning (far too slowly) somewhat late in life but better late than never.
As I write this I realize what I am really learning is how to practically apply the wisdom of the Serenity Prayer:
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
There are some situations that I can control quite easily (like my electrolysis) and others that I can’t.
I have put myself under so much unnecessary stress in my life because I’ve tried so hard to change things I can’t. Some thing’s are what they are and no matter what you do you and no matter how much you want them to change they won’t.
It has been a metaphor for my whole life.
I had a run in with a big rock when I was very young that cost me six stitches on my forehead.
I tried so hard to be a boy – but (like I knew right from the start) no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t do it.
I tried so hard to fit in to the military but (like I knew right from the start) it just wouldn’t work.
I have tried so hard in so many things that were just never going to work out for me and only ended up hurting myself and others in the attempts.
I really need to remind myself of the serenity prayer and look at my life so that I can wisely discern which things I need to change and which things I just need to accept and adapt to as best I can. Once I’ve done that I’ll be well on my way to happiness.
And a lot less stress.
And that, is a good thing!
The fog has lifted, the day has begun.
I never did see the full moon again once the fog had obscured it but the memory that shining beacon remains with me.
I know that as long as I remember the purity of its’ guiding light I will always be on the right path.
I will always be true to myself!
Serene.
Love,
Marybeth
Being Kind September 27, 2009
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, friends, reflection, transition, transsexual.2 comments
Sunday, Sept 27th 7:12 pm
Good evening everyone!
It has been a rainy cool day today and that is kind of the mood I am in right now as I type.
I had an interesting talk and an interesting afternoon with a friend today – it left me with much to think about.
As of today I have been living full time for five months and I have been on hormones for about a year and a half (give or take…). It has also been about a year now that I have been living apart from my ex-wife and we’ve been divorced now for almost two months.
A lot of dates, a lot of milestones, a lot of progress towards my goals.
The week was interesting in that I took a couple of days off work to drive a friend to Toronto so that I could be there to support her through a stressful appointment she had.
I keep thinking that I am doing the ‘right thing’ when I help my friends out in situations where they don’t have the resources or they simply need someone to lean on but the conversation I had with my friend made me think that maybe I am not doing the things I do for others for especially ‘selfless’ reasons.
I think I am doing the things I do because helping people with their problems is so much easier that dealing with my own problems.
I have always thought of myself as an independent self sufficient person but I think the reality is that I have fooled myself (and others maybe (maybe not?)) into believing that.
I am starting to think that I have swept many of my issues under the carpet.
Avoiding the problems isn’t the same as dealing with them.
And I am not dealing with my problems when I help other people out with their issues so that I don’t have to face my own demons.
One way to think about it is that I would rather help other people with their issues because they know what they want but I don’t deal with my own issues because I don’t really know where to start. This can be applied at a small scale (shopping) or at a big scale (life).
It also comes from low self esteem – my problems aren’t really that important (I will suffer in silence…) – some one else’s need always trumps my own.
As I’ve written before I’ve lived most of my life trying to live up to what I imagined the expectations of others were. I felt that what I thought their expectations were were more important that my own expectations. It was only when I starting taking my own expectations of life seriously (what would I regret if I died tomorrow?) that I made the decision to transition and even then I have tried very hard not to ‘disappoint’ anyone.
Now that I am in the process of addressing such a fundamental part of my existence – my gender. I think that now might be a good time to address the other issues in my life.
I have addressed one issue but the central issue is still there – I still try to please others so that I can avoid dealing with my own problems.
I help others but I still feel frustrated because my own problems remain. At times my frustration at my inability to deal with my problems comes out and the people I am ‘helping’ feel attacked because I helped them.
I have made a great deal of progress in my transition and I am very happy about that.
It is now time to tackle all those other problems that I have hidden under the carpet for so long.
I can still help people but I need to be helping them for the right reason – out of love not avoidance.
I need to start being kind to myself so that I can be truly kind to others.
Love,
Marybeth
End of Summer Thoughts September 20, 2009
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, transition, transsexual.add a comment
Sunday, September 20th 7:10pm
Good evening everyone!
It is a beautifully clear evening at the end of a warm, summery day. The last Sunday of summer…
Wow, where did the summer go?
In celebration of this milestone, I am having one last margarita, my official drink of the summer of 2008! I am sitting outside on my balcony because it is still twenty-one degrees out!!
Summer is about growth, change and preparing for the future. It was a good summer, I learned a lot and I think I am well prepared for the future.
A friend reminded me tonight that I need to be wary of falling into old habits because too many of them were based on old expectations and old fears.
A butterfly emerged from her cocoon five months ago but her wings are still sticky and stiff.
I need the freedom to spread my wings so that I can fly beyond my old fears and explore new horizons.
So that I can learn about and define myself.
I spent so many years trying to live up to the imagined expectations of others.
Expectations I could never meet without compromising who I was.
Those expectations were the chains holding me back from living a full life.
They are the ghosts that haunt me now, whispering in my ear.
But I am not afraid.
I will not trade my freedom.
My life.
For the cold chains of safety and convention.
There is so much I haven’t seen or experienced.
I am finally who I always knew I was.
Watch me fly!
My journey has just begun.
Love,
Marybeth
A Work in Progress… September 13, 2009
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Sunday, September 13th 10:13 am
Good morning everyone! It is cool and windy here today – fall is definitely in the air!
I am seriously falling under the spell of good home brewed coffee again. I decided to grind some beans (in my new coffee grinder!) and make a full pot of french press coffee and, compared to the Keurig cups that I have been drinking (which are very good), this coffee is on another plane altogether. There is nothing like the taste of a full-bodied mellow cup of coffee for inspiration! (Late Sunday night update – good coffee bad effects, I liked the coffee so much I drank some of it iced later in the day and it got me so wired I found it tough to fall asleep! I think I need to set a limit of two cups per day!!).
It has been a bit of a busy weekend for me but not as busy nor as stressful as it has been for a friend of mine. I’ve been helping out my friend who has a sick cat. She has taken her into the vet twice this weekend and they haven’t been able to do anything for her – her fever is still quite high and she hasn’t been able to drink or eat on her own for almost three days. I pray that she gets better, my friend has really been much happier since she adopted her cat in May.
On a personal note, I started my morning exercise this week and I think that I can stick to it as I did before. It feels really good to get an hour of exercise done in the morning before I go to work. What really keeps me going though is that I get to listen to another few chapters of the audio book that I have on my i-pod – right now I am listening to Thunderbird Falls by C.E. Murphy – fun stuff!
I have also managed to put together a rudimentary budget to allow me to keep track of where my money is going and help me save up for my hair replacement and gender confirmation surgeries in the spring. The hair replacement surgery will be totally out of my pocket but I will get reimbursed for about two-thirds of my gender surgery – the problem is that I will have to have pay for it all up front and then wait a few months while my insurance claim is processed.
A friend of mine has the complete Buffy the Vampire Slayer series (and the spin-off Angel series too) on DVD so I have been watching that off and on. I am mid-way through season two and am really enjoying it – I would have loved to have gone through high school in my correct gender. I know high school (and puberty in general) is tough but try going through it in the wrong gender – very, very, very confusing….!
I managed to get a bunch of things off my chest last weekend (as the previous four entries attest to) so I don’t have much new to say this weekend. I am still working through all that those things I described.
My life is a work in progress and I am just trying to make the best of hand I’ve been dealt.
I’ve noticed that I focus way too much on my perceived deficiencies and don’t count the blessings that I have often enough – and I do have many!!
Transition is tough but things aren’t always as bleak as they seem.
I have to remember that!
Love,
Marybeth
Shining and True September 7, 2009
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, happiness, learning, transition, transsexual.1 comment so far
Monday, September 7th, 8:48 am
Good morning everyone!
Happy Labour Day!!!
It is hard to believe but summer is more or less over, not officially I guess, but practically.
It was one of the hardest summers I have ever had but also one of the summers that I felt I grew the most during. I would rank it right up there with the summer when I was seventeen and had to work a part-time job at McDonald’s while commuting back and forth to the lake and the next summer when I went through basic officer training in Chilliwack.
When I was working at McDonald’s I learned the lesson of sacrifice – it was hard work and I really wanted to be at the lake but I knew that working during the summer would give me spending money and really good work experience.
The lesson I learned at Chilliwack I have only realized in retrospect. It was one of the most soul destroying unhappy experiences of my life but I continued on towards graduation because I became the most stubborn -idiot- that I could possibly be. I wouldn’t let those dumbies beat me. I would pass their stupid course no matter what they did to me, no matter how much I had to compromise my own integrity. This idiotic performance was then repeated far too often over the next year – first during recruit term and then during first year at military college in Victoria.
The lesson I have learned in retrospect is not to let my stubbornness lead me in a direction I really don’t want to go. Succeeding at any cost isn’t really succeeding. I realize now they were trying to weed out the people who weren’t fit for a military life – they were trying to do me a favour! I wasn’t cut out for the military and they knew it – I knew it for God’s sake but my stubbornness and – lack of respect for myself – led me down an unhappy and horrifyingly bleak eight years in the military.
Being in the military went against every fibre of my being but because I was stubborn and wouldn’t let anything beat me I stayed.
And suffered.
I suffered because I was too embarrassed to let anyone see the shy, scared little girl that I really was. My stubbornness cost me so many, many years of honesty – with myself and with everyone else.
As I was dreaming last night – a typical military inspired nightmare (yes, I am still reliving those disappointing years in my dreams), I realized that even now I am not allowing myself to fully be.
I am still afraid to fully express myself.
I still haven’t fully let my guard down.
I have not yet allowed myself to totally relax and truly be.
This past weekend has been tremendously helpful to me. I have been able to sit back and think through many things that have been on my mind for too long.
I went out to for a drive and a dinner at nice Chinese restaurant with a friend yesterday – it was a wonderful day and a wonderful meal. I think I may have actually relaxed and had fun too.
I realized that everyone saw me as a woman and that I was the only one who wasn’t totally sure of myself.
I was the one holding myself back.
Once I decided that I wouldn’t question my ‘passability’ or legitimacy anymore and I just let myself be – I relaxed and really enjoyed myself.
Life is too short to limit my life due to my imagined expectations of other’s.
Life is too short to let my stubbornness sabotage my happiness.
I have sacrificed far too much to learn these lessons.
I need to stop tormenting myself.
I will let my guard down – completely.
And just let myself be.
Shining and true.
Unafraid.
Me.
Love,
Marybeth
Smile! September 6, 2009
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, family, happiness, plans, transition, transsexual.add a comment
Sunday, September 6th 8:40 am
Good morning everyone!
It is another really nice sunny day today! It is cool (11 degrees Celsius) with a bit of wind. The nights are fresh and the days are warm – very, very pleasant.
I can’t believe it is Sunday already! It has been a good long weekend so far though (well, with the exception of the family rift that seems to have opened up… – that hurts like heck but I try not to think about it too much).
On Friday I spent some time going over my income and expenses so I think I’ve got a pretty good handle on it now. I will spend some more time on it tomorrow to come up with a budget that I think I can live with. As I’ve written in earlier entries, now that the craziness of going full-time is over I have a pretty good idea of what my expenses are – and yes, it is much more expensive being a girl than being a guy but seriously, it is a heckuva a lot more fun!!
I had my hair and my electrolysis done yesterday, so I am smooth and well coiffed. Then I saw a movie and had some pizza with a friend last night.
Tomorrow I am planning on starting exercising again. I will do an hour of biking every morning (stationary bike in my apartment) and a half hour or so of yoga every evening, six days a week and see how that goes. I have been feeling kind of lethargic lately so I think exercise will help.
As for the family rift – I would love for it to disappear but being alone and independent is probably a good thing for me. Fewer people in my life means that I can focus more on myself and lord knows I need to! The resolutions I made were just a start, I am sure it is going to be very productive fall!
There is one thing I forgot when I wrote my resolutions though…
SMILE!!!
Love,
Marybeth
Hope and Wonder September 4, 2009
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, family, friends, happiness, transition, transsexual.2 comments
September 4th 5:21 am
Good morning everyone!
It is a cool, sort of windy, quiet morning beautifully lit by a full (or almost full) moon!!
I can’t believe my luck actually. I enjoyed the sunset so much last night I thought I would come out on the balcony this morning for the sunrise and lo and behold – a full moon! September 4th is actually the night of the full moon but on the morning of the full moon it seems full enough to me!!
I love the moon. I value the moonshine more than I value sunshine because I get the chance to bathe in it (like I am this morning) much lot less often. I love it because I can stare directly at the moon and ponder its many mysteries. The way my building is positioned, I don’t get this oppourtunity very often so I feel very blessed this morning!!!!
It’s funny actually, I came out this morning with the intention of writing about how stressed I feel about everything right now and instead I am surprised by the blessing of a full moon.
In case I haven’t written this enough here – transition is tough. Extremely tough.
As I wrote yesterday, I am working really hard to be optimistic. I think with a few key resolutions, I can really make some positive changes in my life. I know that some of the most fundamental of those changes will be very uncomfortable and, in some cases, hurt a great deal.
I always fancied myself as a pretty independent person. I didn’t need anyone else’s help. I still believe that to a certain extent but in many ways, transitioning has made me feel very, vulnerable and often, very alone.
Transitioning has made me a stronger, happier person in so many, many ways – it has taken me out of my shell to an extent that many days I never want to be reminded of that shell ever again. But some days I just want to climb back into it and never talk to anyone ever again.
If I don’t talk to anyone I won’t have expectations of them and I won’t be disappointed.
If I don’t have any hopes I won’t be upset when they are crushed.
Transitioning is worth the (huge) risk to me because from the bottom of my soul I know it is my essential truth.
But just because it is the truth doesn’t mean that everyone I know or meet will be convinced and supportive.
Yesterday I had a ‘me’ day. I needed it. I stayed in my apartment and thought and wrote and thought some more. I felt safe and comfortable but by the end of the day I also felt depressed.
It was nice but ultimately maybe it wasn’t what I really needed. Maybe what I really needed to do was to get out of my apartment and think. Perhaps what I really needed to do was to go to a park with a notebook – not sit inside a small space and think myself into a depression.
Since I have transitioned I have had many very positive experiences with friends and family.
Since I have transitioned I have had many very negative experience with the very same people.
Who is to judge when a relationship becomes ‘unhelpful’?
I had a really bad phone call with my parents last night. They called me at the start of August and then didn’t call me again until the end of it. I felt forgotten and alone. Summer is a really tough time for me. I really wanted to be at the lake with them this summer but didn’t feel ready (actually I am really, really glad I didn’t go). When I didn’t hear from them for the whole month, I felt neglected – like I wasn’t important enough to them to be thought of and called. I didn’t feel like I was a part of their family.
Which is exactly how I felt the entire time I was growing up – so everything compounded and compounded until they finally got me on the phone last night and I found that I didn’t really want to talk to them, so I hung up. I didn’t want to talk with them because they really didn’t want to talk to me for essentially an entire month. I felt like the only reason they called me was that they felt an ‘obligation’ to me.
I don’t want to be anyone’s ‘obligation’.
I am not a charity case.
I want them to want to talk to me because I am someone they really want to talk to. Because they value my conversation and my friendship.
I suppose that is why I got depressed yesterday. I am not sure who is really my friend and who feels they have an ‘obligation’ to me – for whatever reason.
Since I have transitioned I have seen the best and the worst from people. I have seen friends disappear from my life and I have had to renegotiate my relationships with others. I am never sure who I can trust and who I can’t.
Who is really my friend and who isn’t.
Perhaps the only way to deal with the conundrum is to be the best person I can be and take my blessings as they come.
I am so happy I saw the sunset last night. It turned a depressing day into an inspirational one.
I am so happy that I saw the birth of a full moon this morning – it is an auspicious start to the day.
I suppose that is the real lesson here. If I remain true to myself the blessings will come.
Transition is a very, very tough path to follow but for me it is the only path I can follow – all the others I tried were dead ends.
Along the way I have had some very, very good experiences and some very, very bad experiences.
And I will as I go forward.
Blessings like last night and this morning are wondrous reminders of blissful days yet to come.
The moon has set, the sun has risen, a new day has begun.
Wish me luck!
Love,
Marybeth
A Few New Pictures September 3, 2009
Posted by Marybeth in transsexual.add a comment
Thursday Sept 3rd 8:20 pm
Good evening everyone. I just watched a beautiful sunset from my balcony. The night air is warm and now the stars are coming out!
A friend of mine took some pictures on Sunday so I thought I’d share a few of them.
I put the whole set of eleven up on my Facebook page.
Have a really great evening!!
Love,
Marybeth
Labour Day Resolutions! September 3, 2009
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, family, friends, happiness, health, learning, plans, transgender, transition, transsexual.2 comments
Thursday, September 3rd 4:41 am
Good morning everyone!
It is a cool, dark morning as I write from my bedroom overlooking the Ottawa river and the Champlain bridge. The weather has been near perfect from my point of view – relatively warm days (highs around 26 degrees Celsius) and relatively cool nights (lows around 9 degrees Celsius). So nice in fact that I decided at the last minute to take a few days off work this week to take advantage of the labour day weekend.
Since today is a day off and I woke up early from a very good sleep, I decided that I would write something in my blog – I can always nap later – I have the whole day to myself!! I have a wonderful chocolate mocha and a soy candle flickering by my side so everything is perfect!!
I sometimes wonder why everyone doesn’t just call a spade a spade and officially decide to move the start of the new year from January 1st to September 1st (or Labour day) where it belongs.
For me, the end of summer and the start of fall has always marked the end of the old and the start of the new. Kids are starting their new school years, adults are getting back to work after a summer break, Parliament and Congress start new sessions – all of which are merely interrupted by the Christmas / New Year’s celebrations. Practically, there is no contest on when the new year really begins.
All this to say that I think I would rather make my ‘new year’s resolutions’ on September 1st (or Labour Day) than on January 1st. Life goes through some subtle and not so subtle changes at the beginning of September – it just picks up from where it paused in January.
(About the only ‘New Years’ resolution that really makes sense in January is the diet and exercise one for obvious reasons…)
I have many ‘new leaves’ that I am going to turn over this ‘New Year’ and some of those are in recognition that since I am living full time now, some real changes in habit are necessary.
One of things I mentioned to a friend yesterday was that I wasn’t getting as much exercise as I had before I transitioned because I wasn’t walking as much as I did before. I have been steadily gaining weight ever since April despite doing some rollerblading this summer. I was stymied about why this was when my diet hasn’t really changed from before and then I realized that I don’t walk very much in my commutes anymore. Since I am wearing high heels to work in the morning – and, let’s face it, there is only so far you want to walk in those things – I have been using the bus stop that is the closest to my apartment and stopping at the bus stop closest to my work. I used to walk about a mile before, when I consciously got off the bus early because I enjoyed the morning walks. I will definitely have to resume the early morning cardio / yoga workouts that I was in the habit of doing before I had my scalp advancement surgery in the spring. It means getting up an hour or so earlier in the morning but that is relatively easy once I get back in the habit again.
Continuing in the health vein I am going to really watch my intake of stimulants/depressants. I have decided I will only drink coffee/tea and alcohol on the weekends. The only exception I will make is that I will allow myself green tea since I think the health benefits of the green tea more than balance out the caffeine risks.
Another health concern that I am going to address is my diet. One of the most important things that I am going to do is to stop my consumption of junk food. If I want a snack it will be nuts or fruit – no more candy, salty snacks or sugary beverages (although I will make an exception for fruit juices). Other than that I will have a big healthy breakfast, a reasonable lunch (a sandwich and a piece of fruit at work) and a salad for supper.
Socially is where I have the most room to grow. I want to spend more time with more people while leaving some time to myself to stay centered. I have to take more chances in my relationships and I have to be prepared to stand my ground in them too. For example, in some relationships it seems like I am the one chasing them all the time – I need to step back and stop calling them to see if they call me. It is the only way to be sure that I am not forcing myself on people who really don’t want my company. In one relationship I have, I called them on Tuesday at the start of the August and they returned the call on Thursday. Even though I thought about them a great deal and I wanted to call them, I didn’t. Then I received two messages from them, one on Monday and the the other on Tuesday this week (over three weeks later) – I still haven’t decided what I am going to do with this relationship. I know I need to learn to be more assertive and to value myself more so maybe what I will have to do is abandon those relationships where they think that no matter what they do, I’ll be there, eager as ever. Some life lessons are tough…
The final thing I will work on is my finances (though I know there is no end to the things I need to work on I want to focus on a few key things this fall). Since I am planning one and perhaps two operations this spring (hair replacement and SRS) I am going to have to watch how I spend my money and save a bunch so that I can afford them. To this end I am going to draft a budget and track my spending within my budget. When I reach my budgeted amount for entertainment or clothes or whatever, I won’t spend anymore for the month. I need to be very strict with this or I won’t have the money I need to pay for those life improvements.
So to recap my Labour Day resolutions:
1) Exercise six days a week one hour per day – yoga and stationary bike;
2) No stimulants or depressants during the week except green tea;
3) Watch my diet – no junk food, nutritious snacks only, a healthy breakfast, a reasonable lunch and a salad for supper;
4) Take more chances and be more honest about relationships; and
5) Take firm control of finances – make and follow a strict budget and save for my hair replacement and SRS in the spring.
Ahhh, I feel better already. If I can just follow through with these resolutions I am sure that my ‘New Year’ will be a success.
I will be a much healthier and happier person a year from now!!!
Wish me luck!!!
Love,
Marybeth
Me and My Body August 30, 2009
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, appearance, hormones, surgery, transgender, transition, transsexual.add a comment
Sunday, August 30th 5:42 am
Good morning everyone!
It is cool and cloudy this morning in Ottawa. We’ve had a couple of days of cold rain, a shocking reminder that summer is almost over and that fall is coming.
And fall is in the air that’s for sure. I would like to be sitting outside writing this morning but the appeal of a warm bedroom won out. I have a nice scented candle flickering softly beside me and a coffee made from beans that I ran through my new coffee grinder.
I am not really sure why I decided to start drinking coffee again after abstaining for over six months but I have. (Actually on second thought, I was overindulging in chocolate for energy boosts at work so maybe that was why…?) A visit to the dentist last week has made me reconsider my decision though – it appears that all the money I spent on my teeth whitening will be moot if I continue with my coffee/tea habit. I think I will probably scale it back to just weekends – I do enjoy the taste of good coffee. I don’t think I really need the caffeine anyway, as a friend says, I’m pretty high strung already.
I had another pretty non-descript week. I do tend to do quite a bit more that I ever did before I transitioned so I am busy but not with anything too earth-shattering or really that exciting. I went for dinner at a friend’s place, watched a movie – stuff like that nothing really that momentous.
I would have to say though, if anything has made me really frustrated this week it has been body hair. I’ve got far, far too much of it and my alternatives for getting rid of it are very time consuming and expensive.
See, I was ‘blessed’ with blond hair. As a result, I have a fine down of the stuff covering most of my body. Only a few parts of my chest and most of my back seem to have been spared this plague. My therapist says that some of this ‘down’ will just stop growing as it gets starved of testosterone and the estrogen inhibits its growth but that takes time. If the hair was darker, I could just laser it off but since it is blond, I have to get it taken out piece by piece – ow, ow and ow!!
Add to that my thin, fine but no longer receding head hair and I can honestly say that I am very, very frustrated by the whole hair thing. To combat it I am taking Proscar (finasteride) and Rogaine (minoxidal) so that what I have on top won’t fall out. I am also going to see a hair replacement specialist this week to get an assessment about filling in the ‘widows peaks’ that my scalp advancement wasn’t able to fix.
Right now I can’t wait until my main surgery is over so that the main testosterone producing area of my body will finally be shut down. I am taking so many pills and injections right now, it will be nice to be able to reduce or even stop some of them altogether!! Once that is done I’ll be able to assess the amount of electrolysis I still need to do.
When I was growing up I was horrified to see my facial and chest hair coming in. That feeling has never left me.
If I could turn back time…
And, if I could only get rid of all this muscle mass then…
All that to say that while I am very pleased with the psychological and the physiological effects of my transition (though I wish my breasts would grow some more and my hips would come in…), my body image may never live up to my hopes and expectations.
Oh, and I really need to drop about thirty pounds too….
I think I am finally beginning to understand what so many woman struggle with their whole lives!! My body image sucks!
Pass me the bean sprouts…
Love,
Marybeth
Coasting and Living August 23, 2009
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, plans, resolve, transgender, transition, transsexual.add a comment
Sunday, August 23rd 9:32 am
Good morning everyone!!
It is a warmish 20 degrees celsius with a bit of a wind under clear skies in Ottawa this morning. I am sitting in my deck chair on my balcony with a cup of hot mocha staring out across the Ottawa river and my cat Lily is inside with a plaintive look on her face wishing that she could be out here too – unfortunately an energetic cat and a four foot barrier between her and twenty stories of oblivion aren’t a good mix!!
I think I should take a couple of sentences to explain why I write a mini weather report at the beginning of every entry (after almost three years of blogging maybe some people are curious?). I do it in homage to my late grandfather who wrote a daily diary for many years. At the top of every entry (in one of those mini four year diary books) was the date, time and a short sentence about the weather. He died many years ago now but I still remember going through those old diaries of his and ‘reliving’ the past.
It is the beginning of the fourth week of August. The summer is almost over. I am not really a summer person so I am O.K. with that really. When I lived my summers at the lake in B.C. I think I was fine with it but here in Ottawa, without ready access to the water and the generally high humidity levels, I am not really a fan. The buses I take to work in the mornings and the evenings seem like mini saunas and my thin hair gets plastered to my forehead – not very comfortable nor very attractive. Winter is cozy, spring is fresh, fall is restful but summer is just too close and muggy.
Where do I begin to describe my past week?
My biggest struggles this week all resolved into trying to figure out where I fit in. As I’ve written before I transitioned I was essentially a social recluse – I spent almost all my time doing things alone or with my ex. Now that I’ve transitioned to full time, I find I really want to get out and fully experience life but I often lack the courage to take some chances and explore. I find it as difficult to write about as I do to live it.
Everything in my life is moving forward in a fairly -boring- way right now. Nothing to see here folks – I am just living my life as most women do. I can’t afford to go out all the time so I don’t. I have one close friend and between her and trying to redefine my relationship with my ex, I tend to have enough to do.
But my circle of friends is not expanding and that is a bad thing.
I need to get out and make new friends who have only known me as I am now so that I can get more comfortable in my own skin and have the opportunity to really define myself.
What is so frustrating to me is that I have known that I need to do this for at least the past six or eight months and I haven’t moved very far (if, truly, at all) towards this goal.
My excuse has been that transition is a slow process.
My excuse has been that I was going through a divorce.
My excuse has been that I need some time to myself.
My excuses are legion – but they do not change the fact that I have haven’t grown very much socially since I have transitioned.
Add to that the frustration of a truly strained relationship with my counsellor (my sesssion with her this week did not go well and I have decided to look for another therapist – a scant eight months before I go for my SRS) and a sometimes difficult relationship with my friend and I am really facing a moment of truth.
Which means it is imperative that I do something soon to balance things out. To gain more confidence and be more assertive. The longer I wait to do something the more difficult it will be to do.
How I wish that it was as easy to do as it is to acknowledge my weakness and write about it!
Deadlines seem to focus the mind so I guess I will have to set serious timelines as to when I want to get these things done.
Sometimes it seems that it is all I can do just to make it through to the end of the day – but that just isn’t good enough.
The easy comfortable way isn’t always the best way.
I can’t rest on my laurels any longer. Yes, it took courage and initiative to get this far but there is still so much farther to go.
I need to get out there and face the world so that my life can change the way I want it to.
Otherwise I am at the mercy of luck and fate.
No thanks.
I am still in charge.
No more coasting.
I need to get out there and really live my life!!
Love,
Marybeth
