…a reconciliation…finding .me.

Sunday, January 28, 2007 10:31 AM

Sitting here on Sunday morning outside in the sun I remembered something that occoured to me on the plane last night. The only reason I asked my wife to marry me was that she looked at me and saw something that she could love and I have always looked at myself and been disgusted.

It isn’t that I have ever had any chronic physical illnesses or any deep character flaws. In fact I have never, and would never, consider myself anything other than normal if it weren’t for a deep, deep shame about something so central that I could never say its’ name without fear of isolation and derision.

I could never look into the mirror or introduce myself in social circles without it in the back of my mind. I have held back the most essential part of my being, protected her behind thick towering walls of denial and escape. Walls that began as a paper cutout made by a confused little girl pretending to be a boy who didn’t understand why she was not wanted.

As I grew older I learned from other boys and men the things that they grew up knowing instinctively - how I should talk, how I should act and react, what my motivations should be. I mimicked other boys and men to fit in and survive.

With each year the cutout grew and eventually took on a life of its’ own. With as many resources as I could muster it said all the right things, did all the right things and accomplished all the right things hoping someday that it could convince them and protect .her.

In the back of my mind I hoped one day that the feelings and needs would just go away, as the imaginary friends and fantasies of childhood usually do as one becomes an adult.

The feelings never went away. When no one else was looking, I could give into my deepest feelings and be at ease with myself. No amount of social expectations could compete with something so fundamental. When I was finally happy and satisfied I remembered that it couldn’t last and I felt shame that I had indulged myself. I felt shame because this was definately not ‘normal’. This wasn’t condoned behaviour for a boy or a man and it was almost certainly perverted. And so I began to hate .her. and hide from .her. in more and more masculine pursuits.

I read a lot of books, I joined the military, I jumped out of airplanes, I drank a lot of alcohol, I played computer games (but because no one was watching I could use female avatars) and the I found an angel, someone who could love me despite my deep flaw. It was like she chose to ignore it or maybe she saw the light of the real me shining from behind the cutout. She accepted me and, perhaps without knowing it, gave .her. love too.

How much of the cutout was constructed and how much of it was me? My own feeling is that what is central is, what is presented often is a combination of that which is central and what I thought I should present. As a good detective says, the most effective lie contains a grain of truth. The cutout was my shield, it averted everyone’s critical eyes and allowed .me. to survive. A girl in a man’s body with a shield she used to fit in.

Eventually holding a shield in front of yourself everyday gets too tiring and the effort you need to keep it in place while meeting the pressures of everyday life gets be to much. The old escapes which I used to keep it from overwhelming .her. aren’t as effective anymore. My frustration turned into resentment which became anger at a moment’s notice - lashing out at anyone and anything that happens to be in my way. My frustration turned into hopelessness which became depression that sometimes led to thoughts of the final escape - suicide.

I was not strong enough to hold the shield in front of myself anymore. I couldn’t run away without my frustration, anger and depression hurting those around me. I chose counselling and therapy so that I could learn to live without a shield, so that I could reconcile my body with my mind.

So I that I could one day become fully human

When that day comes, the energy that I have used to create and hold my shield up I will be able to use to live my life more fully - to meet life head on and not run away or hide in shame.

To finally be .me.

Love,

Maureen Beth