Much Afoot April 28, 2008
Posted by Marybeth in plans.add a comment
Monday, April 28th 6:17 am
This past week has been very eventful (again) and I have much to write about but little time to.
I hope to find a quiet moment or two over the next few days to write about it all.
Love,
Marybeth Allison
Patience and Spring April 20, 2008
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, appearance, family, hormones, transsexual.2 comments
Sunday April 20th 7:15 am
Good morning everyone! It is a coolish 5 degrees Celsius outside here this morning – the birds are singing, the Canada geese are honking their progress overhead and, after a long hard winter, it finally feels like spring!
I think I have caught the spring ‘bug’ myself! As I look out across my wife’s front lawn and see the rapidly disappearing patches of snow and think about the warm temperatures we have been getting this past week it definitely seems to me we’ve turned the corner into spring. I think I have also finally turned the corner on the ugly flu that has haunted me these past six weeks so I am feeling more energetic and upbeat than I have in quite some time!
Transition-wise my body is slowly changing to be more feminine but there is much testosterone cleansing work still to be done. My skin is clearer and softer but my muscle mass has not dissolved as quickly as I would have liked. I am slowly dropping weight but I think that, now that I am ‘officially’ at 160 pounds, I will have to drop at least another 15 to 20 pounds to have the feminine proportions that I would be satisfied with. It seems like a monumental task but I know that with diet, exercise and discipline I can reach that goal by the fall and with any luck the estrogen will have softened my other features and I will be ready for my real life test / experience by mid fall.
I must admit that I overestimated the effects that the estrogen, at the doses I was taking, would have on me physically in the short term (six months now). I do feel much better mentally, I am smiling much more and strangely, my wife and I are getting along much better than we have ever. Our relationship has changed somewhat too, the friendship element is much more dominant and we seem to ‘take turns’ when it comes to making decisions. It used to be that she just looked to me when a decision needed to be made and now when a decision needs to be made, sometimes I look to her and sometimes she looks to me.
I have also found that in other areas of my life, even when I am doing something as straight-forward as walking to and from work, I am slowing down and ‘smelling the roses’. I am happier now when I am contributing to a discussion not dominating it. I actually get really uncomfortable when I talk too much or start sounding like I am ‘lecturing’. I speak in a softer voice and laugh more easily and less self-consciously than I used to.
When I am visiting friends that I haven’t seen in a while or interacting with people at work I have a much higher level of comfort with myself than I have ever had before. My old friends have noticed the changes and are wondering if something is up but, as the estrogen hasn’t yet worked many physical ‘miracles’ (which I am praying fervently for!) yet they are still a bit mystified by the new happy smiling me. My wife still adamantly rejects my physical transition but, I think, is over-joyed at my behavioural transition.
While I am still quite envious of those whose physical transitions are progressing more quickly than my own, I have decided to focus on the many positive things that deciding to transition and start on hormones has brought me. I know that eventually, whether it is six months or even a year (or more) from now, everything else will catch up.
I have finally accepted that the physical changes will come when (and I guess, if,) they will. Eventually the estrogen, with the testosterone in my body virtually non-existent, will re-shape the physical characteristics of my feigned masculinity into a reflection of my inner femininity. A femininity that has been coaxed back into life by the proper hormone balance.
After the long winter, the return of spring has convinced me that, with patience, I too will blossom.
I guess you could say that I have finally accepted I am just ‘a late bloomer’!
Love,
Marybeth Allison
Expectations and Martians April 13, 2008
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, reflection, society, transsexual.2 comments
Sunday April 13 6:46 AM
Good morning everyone! It is a cool minus one degree Celsius outside here this morning as I sift through my thoughts on this cloudy spring morning. It has been an eventful week life-wise – my wife had her birthday so I baked her a cake (a dark chocolate toasted hazelnut cake with dark chocolate mascarpone frosting – it is as delicious as it sounds – recipe here if you are interested: http://uktv.co.uk/food/recipe/aid/556374) and generally made sure that she had the best week I could possibly give her. On the transition front I don’t have much to report other than continued frustration at the obstinate inability of my wife to understand what I am going through.
The irony of my life is that I have spent so much of it trying to be what everyone else wanted me to be that I have a really tough time breaking that mould and being who I am. My parents wanted a perfect son – so I tried to fulfill their expectations. My wife wanted a perfect husband – so I tried to be that for her. My own needs and desires felt so freakish and wrong that I was more than happy to try and meet as many of their requirements as I could so that I could become what ever they most wanted me to be. I lived my life like a Boy Scout trying to earn merit badges. I never dared to consider what I wanted for myself and consider what my own requirements were to be the most perfect .me. I could be.
When I was growing up I remember watching the television mini-series ‘The Martian Chronicles’ and really identifying with one of the Martians the main character ‘Wilder’ meets in his adventures. Wilder encounters the Martian when he is out exploring the planet and she looks exactly like someone very near and dear to him. He realizes that she couldn’t be that person because the person he knew died some years ago. She runs away but he pursues her and eventually he catches up with her. Realizing she is caught, she immediately explains that she isn’t who he thinks she is but he doesn’t want to believe her even though he knows it must be true.
It turns out that she is a Martian that mimics the dearest person of whoever looks at her – for survival one must assume. She begs that he turn away so that she can escape and live her life as she really is. She explains that if she stays with him that she will gradually become more and more ‘stuck’ in the persona she has adopted based on the expectations that Wilder has about who he thinks she is.
The Martian character really hit home with me because I realized that I was behaving exactly like that she was. I was adjusting my mask to reflect back what everyone wanted me to be so that I could survive in the world. Whenever I met a new person, I would ascertain what they expected out of me and I would adjust my personality and my actions to meet their expectations.
The situation in ‘The Martian Chronicles’ is resolved when the main character after a prolonged internal struggle summons the will to understand that the Martian could not possibly be whom he thinks he sees and she then transforms into her authentic Martian self. The Martian thanks the enlightened main character who was somehow able to overcome his expectations and needs to let her be who she authentically was and she then disappears into the crowd.
I haven’t thought about that segment of ‘The Martian Chronicles’ in a very long time and I may be remembering it inaccurately (perhaps I will try to track down a copy of that 1980’s mini-series somewhere – or better yet read Ray Bradbury’s book) but I do recall thinking at the time that I was the Martian. In retrospect the characterization was accurate even in the portrayal of how the Martian, over the period of time that she is forced to meet the expectations of the main character, becomes more and more depressed and frustrated with Wilder’s inability to see past his own expectations of her to the reality of who and what she really is.
I have tried to be the person that everyone wanted me to be for as long as I can remember. I think that I am the proud wearer ‘the dutiful son’, ‘the supportive brother’ and ‘the loving and attentive husband’ merit badges (though I believe the last one is in doubt because my frustration and depression didn’t make me the nicest person to be around for a certain period of my marriage). I have now discovered that trying to be what everyone else wants me to be only leads to more frustration and depression. I have learned that I have to accept who and what I am to be happy. I am a transsexual woman – no matter what expectations everyone else has of me.
I would rather be a happy Martian than a frustrated and depressed facsimile of what everyone else expects me to be.
I am now hoping that the main character in my life, my wife, will have the strength of will to allow me to be who I really am so that I can be free.
I don’t intend to run away if she does though…
Love,
Marybeth Allison
Realizations, Hopes and Reality April 6, 2008
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, appearance, family, separation, transsexual.4 comments
Sunday, April 6th 5:12 am
Good morning everyone! It is a pleasant zero degrees Celsius outside my wife’s place this morning. The sky is crystal clear and, looking up, I can see the stars as they shimmer in their mysteries and hold bright Venus in tight embrace. I am hoping that I am sufficiently recovered from my flu that I can spend some time in the inspiration of the freshness and beauty of the emerging day, so I sip on my honey apple cinnamon tea and await my muse.
I think that I can honestly say that this is the week that reality set in. I had always known that given my situation I would not be as free as I would have liked to be in the setting and the implementation of my transition timetable but this week I have become more aware of just how true that is. I will have to adjust to the needs of others and have the patience to let my body and my too long repressed femininity adjust and emerge.
As I’ve written before, my wife hates the fact that I am transitioning but recently she seems to be more willing to accept some of the changes I am going through. I am much more optimistic than I have ever been before that being patient with her might save our marriage and our friendship so I have decided that I will be patient and hopeful, despite my impatience to transition. I will give her some more time and perhaps some space to adjust to my transition. I really want to help her recover from her illness and she is dependant upon me for that I help. I don’t want to abandon her but, at the same time, I won’t stop my transition because it continues to give me great joy. I hope against all hope that we can reach an understanding that will let us both be happy.
I also realized that, despite how much I would like to continue our marriage / friendship as before (I am still the same person after all), with my transition our partnership together changes at a very essential level. To save our relationship we both may need our own space to adjust to the reality of my transition. We may have to separate so that I can practice my femininity and become more comfortable with my female self both at home and outside of the home and she can adjust to the reconfigured me at her own pace. Right now I only dress and make-up when my wife isn’t around or is asleep and that makes me anxious and forced in my femininity not relaxed and at ease. I would really like to dress how I feel – a sunny skirt for a sunny day or a pretty blouse and slacks for going out shopping. My wife isn’t ready for that (and truthfully may never be) and I am so, as much as I hate to contemplate it, I may have to move out on my own (as opposed to being kicked out) so that I can .be. and she can adjust (if she wants to). That is a really hard reality.
I hope we stay together.
As for passing, the hormones help – I am much more relaxed and happy now but I realized that I need to work a lot more on my appearance, my voice, my deportment and my comfort level being out in public as female. I have also realized that despite maintaining an optimistic and patient approach to my hairline I will have to plan for something more drastic (a scalp advancement and/or a hair transplant) so that when I transition I will be recognized as female and not just as some middle-aged male living out a bizarre fantasy (I know sounds drastic but I know that is what some people think about transsexuals and I don’t want to encourage them). Programming this surgery in will mean that I might not be able to transition as soon as I would like to despite my growing impatience. I know that at some point you have to ‘just do it’ and I am doing small things everyday to build my confidence and my femininity (baby steps!) so that when I start my real life test / experience, I am as prepared as I can be.
I hope I can pass.
As I write these ‘harsh realities’ of mine down I realize that many of you out there are smirking a bit and thinking ‘welcome to being transsexual’. I know now that perhaps I was being too optimistic – I thought that I could beat the odds and manage to hold onto my wife / best friend and transition easily (without surgery) into a reasonable facsimile of an average middle-aged woman.
I guess the reality of my situation finally set in this week and I now realize that the hurdles so many others have faced will be part of my experience too. I know that in the end the rewards of transitioning will more than make up for any losses but looking at them from my current vantage point they seem quite daunting.
I know that there is much hard work and heart-ache ahead but I know I will meet and overcome these challenges.
Because I have always known that I’m a girl.
And that is reality.
The birds are waking up and their songs fill the morning air with their hopeful expectations for the new day just dawning. I take succour from their faith that no matter how long and dark the night may seem, a glorious new day will eventually dawn.
Love,
Marybeth Allison
