…a reconciliation…finding .me.

Saturday, May 10th 6:12 am

Good morning everyone! It is a fresh spring morning outside at my wife’s house today. Only 8 degrees Celsius and expected to go to up to a warmish 19 degrees. It is shaping up to be a perfectly wonderful day, made all the more special by the honking geese, the singing birds and the slight breeze in the freshly leafed trees.

I had a really good, though at times intense, week! My parents visited from British Columbia and I took some needed time away from work to try to get myself centred a bit before contemplating transitioning at work. We ate and drank well and often, we talked about life in general and the challenges they, my wife and I are going through. The discussions we had went beyond the tribulations of my transition to the bigger picture - about getting older, looking after aging parents (my grandparents), and trying to get the best out of ourselves and our lives.

The more we talked the more I realized that it is the big picture that is the most important aspect of our lives but perversely we tend to focus most of our limited time and energy on resolving the often trivial crisis du jour. We get distracted from our goals by the many small annoyances that clutter our lives. The larger perspective is what matters most because it is the sum of all of our reactions to those smaller troubles. If we live our lives making mountains out of molehills then we shouldn’t be surprised if, at the end of our lives, all we have to show for our efforts is a meager collection of conquered molehills (but they seemed so important at the time - they really did!).

We need to focus on our own North Stars if we are ever to arrive at our destinies. Or, to use a hockey analogy (I am from Canada after all), we need to keep our eyes on the goal, protect the puck and always keep our heads up so we can avoid and not be distracted by the unwelcome ‘love taps’ from adversity.

To ensure that we don’t end up fighting the wrong battles for too long and to avoid getting mired neck-deep in trivial complications we sometimes need to take the time to climb to the top of the trees to look at the forest and off to the horizon.

That is what I tried to do this week.

Spending time with both my parents and my wife together was a wonderful experience. We put many things out into the open and I think I am finally beginning to see my parents as the complex people they are. I am finally seeing them as individuals, not as the idealized and demonized protectors and constrainers of my youth. I also feel that I got their real opinions about my transition and most importantly, they said they loved me and that they would support me unconditionally. To sum up their reactions, my Dad is still very skeptical but my mom sees an unhappy and troubled boy blossoming into a loving, happy and peaceful girl.

And that really is the bigger picture.

I am happy and peaceful. I look in the mirror and (despite the receding hairline) I smile!!!!

The receding hairline, the reaction of those who don’t, won’t and can’t understand are the trivial bits - the big picture is about finally being able to love myself and being able to love others more fully. I love my softened body, I love my long hair, I love wearing pretty clothes, I love that I don’t have to filter out my smiles, my giggles, my empathy, my tears.

I love finally being me. Unrestrained. For the first time in my life.

I know that there will be bumps and bruises along the way. I know that I may be laughed at and threatened. I know that I may yet lose everything. I know that it won’t be easy.

But life never is.

Erma Bombeck wrote a bestseller in the eighties with a title that pretty much sums up what I am trying to get at here. It was called ‘If Life Is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits?’.

Life is a bowl of cherries and even knowing that there are just as many pits as there are cherries won’t stop me from savouring each sweet juicy morsel.

In the end, it won’t be the pits I remember, it will be that wonderful never-ending bowl of cherries.

Love,

Marybeth Allison