Summer Planning and New Beginnings June 29, 2008
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, appearance, dysphoria, family, hormones, transgender, transsexual.1 comment so far
Sunday June 29th 6:15 am
Good morning everyone! It is dripping wet out here this morning after some pretty fierce thunderstorms ripped through the area last night. Luckily when I woke up we still had power or I wouldn’t be able to write this with the warm comfort of my weekend coffee latte to fend off the heavy dampness surrounding me. The sun is bravely trying to peak through the clouds in the East, a cacophony of creatures is celebrating the fresh rainfall and every so often a fresh breeze shakes the droplets of rain still resting on the leaves cascading waterfall-like down to the ground below. All in all a truly inspirational morning!
In Canada summer begins with the long weekend celebrating Canada day on July 1st (unfortunately it looks like my American friends will have to wait until next weekend to begin theirs this year…). With the beginning of summer, I will be spending this weekend reflecting and preparing for my new beginning this fall when I transition to full-time. To be honest I think the entire summer will be spent in that effort but since I have four days away from work, I intend to spend some serious time planning what my next steps will be.
I remember last year at this time quite vividly since it was during this same weekend that I told my wife about my decision to begin estrogen therapy to help alleviate my dysphoria. I had agonized over the decision for the better part of a year since I knew what her probable reaction would be. She told me that if that was my intention then I should find somewhere else to live. I rushed to find and furnish an apartment and, except for the odd occasion, it has sat empty the whole year, serving mainly as a salve to her conscience since she knows that if my transition does get to be too much for her, I have some place to go when she kicks me out.
I started on low levels of premarin at the beginning of October but didn’t really begin intensive hormone therapy until April this year when I began my estradiol valerate injections. The changes, as I’ve chronicled in this journal, have become noticeable, especially since I started the injections. I now find it difficult to ‘pass’ as a man unless I bind my breasts – something that I haven’t done yet and hope not to have to ever endure the indignity of.
When I explained to my wife my intention to begin taking estrogen, I told her that it was an experiment to see if the experience of calm that I felt when taking spironolactone for over a year would be enhanced by adding estrogen to the mix. At the time I felt that there was a 50/50 chance that the difference would be noticeable and that I would soon be back to just taking the spironolactone alone – after all if the difference wasn’t noticeable who wants to go through the difficulty of a complete transition? Was I ever wrong about that prediction!! At the low levels I was taking before April the difference was there but once I had started the estradiol injections the difference was through the roof! A recent increase to the amounts of estradiol and androcur and the reintroduction of spironolactone to my regime has helped make me feel myself for the first time since puberty. It is as some transpeople have described it, like the removing the ‘snow’ from the picture when tuning in old television sets. I see, hear, smell and feel things much more clearly, more intimately than I did before. I feel better being myself and others feel better being around me. I wasn’t necessarily a bad person before, but I am a much better, more genuine person now. I increasingly don’t have anything to hide (except at work and people there are noticing the changes despite my not openly admitting to them) and I feel good about being myself – it shows.
Which leaves my wife to ask ‘What next for us?’. I honestly don’t know – a great deal depends on her reaction to us being treated as two women when we go places now as a couple. As I have written earlier, in the winter, spring and fall I could wear coats to cover my ‘girls’ and I would more or less pass as a rather effeminate man. During the summer I can’t wear coats and my now more feminine face, breasts and long hair definitely say ‘woman’, even when I wear more masculine clothes. My wife will either accept that as being ‘fine’ or will say ‘enough is enough’ – at which point I will begin moving to my apartment and we will start leading separate public lives. She is relatively comfortable with me in private so long as I don’t cross the ‘dress or skirt’ line that she has established (though I haven’t actually tested that one yet). I do wear relatively tight shirts and tank tops which my breasts clearly ‘tent’ out, I don’t hide my changes around her or even my painted toe-nails (pink!), so there is some margin of tolerance in her, at least in the privacy of our home. We haven’t been out together in public since she returned so I don’t know how it will work out in those situations.
My plan now is to stay and help out around her house as long as I can and hope that she can overcome her aversion to my transition to full time. Above all else we still love each other intensely and though my transition and her reaction to it has strained that bond somewhat, we continue to enjoy our time together. Ironically, as I’ve mentioned before, our marriage / friendship has improved greatly since I started counselling, started taking the spironolactone two years ago and began estrogen last October. I am a much happier person and that impacts all of my relationships.
All that to say that I have much to think about over the course of this summer. My name change will come through in October or November which means I will transition to full-time at work around the same time. My wife’s health is still an issue so that may affect our relationship as well. Part of me realizes that it would be much easier to be separate from my wife while I adjust to living full-time as a woman but most of me can’t imagine living without her.
My wife reminded my yesterday of a wise thing that her elderly friend in Montreal said about marriage – ‘Find someone whose faults you can accept’. We are, each of us, not perfect and marriage tests us in ways we cannot imagine until we experience them. I have found that I have become accustomed to my wife’s ‘quirks’, I just hope that she will find the charity and love to accept mine.
Love,
Marybeth Allison
The Joy of Being Me June 22, 2008
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, appearance, family, hormones, society, transgender, transsexual, work.1 comment so far
Sunday, June 22nd 6:27 am
Good morning everyone! It is a cool rainy Sunday morning outside here at my wife’s place this morning. I am sitting under the bug tent listening to the rain pitter patter on the fabric above while I drink some wonderfully hot Mexican chocolate and coffee, being inspired and getting energized for my journal entry this morning!
It was a busy week at work (again) which I suppose is a good thing since I get more opportunities to prove to my managers that I am worth keeping around – especially considering my impending transition, but on the downside I get home and crash because I don’t have the energy to enjoy my part-timeness during my wife’s absence.
That said, the weekends are another story and while I haven’t ‘dressed up to the nines’ and gone out anywhere, I have, as reported last week, become very comfortable (too comfortable?) wearing shirts that do not hide or conceal my breasts when I do my errands and chores, either at home or shopping in general. People see my bust, long hair, feminine clothes and judge female about sixty or seventy percent of the time. I only had one incident of a person stopping and ‘tisk, tisking’ me (an elderly lady), everyone else just went about their business. I was only wearing a light lip gloss (Burt’s Bees Cherry Lip Gloss) and no other make-up other than my smile! I even got lucky and managed to get a really good deal on a white gold necklace with an aquamarine stone and a matching pair of earrings!! The lady at the counter in the large busy department store treated me as female the whole time! All in all a very successful, wonderful shopping day!! Next week, I think I will venture out in sandals to show off my painted toe-nails, lip gloss and maybe even some mascara when I go shopping and see how that works. Oh the joy of finally getting to be me!!!!
Which brings me to the ‘bad news’ portion of this entry. I don’t know what I will do when my wife comes back. We have spoken everyday and I have told her what I have been doing including reporting on my shopping trips. What she doesn’t know or understand though was ‘how’ I did my shopping. I wore female blouses that fit me and I carry a purse. Practically, I don’t know what else I can do though. It is summer and on sunny days people don’t wear jackets because it is too uncomfortable and sweaty to wear them – I know because that is what I tried to do for a couple of hours last weekend until I just gave up and took the jacket off, much to my relief. The only way I can present as male on my upper body now is to wear very baggy, oversized male shirts, which I do when my wife’s friends come by to visit or we visit them. Even then, short of uncomfortably binding my breasts, people do notice, especially now that I am at my lightest weight in over twenty years (yaay me!!!). I only get away with it at work because I wear oversized shirts (ie. collar size 16.5 or 17 inches when I am about a 14.5 in the neck now…) and I wear a jacket outside of my office – though to be honest even they are fitting a bit snug these days… . All that to say, either I be myself most of the time away from work or I sit in my dark basement waiting for fall and winter fashions to cover up my girls.
At one time in my life going downstairs to play endless computer games and drink beer would have been a slice of heaven but not now.
I don’t know how my wife is going to react to my new level of androgyny / femininity but I do know that it will be a question of her comfort level and/or a steep learning curve for her which means it will be the same or even more difficult for her than it was for me. She likes(d) being married to a man and I love being honestly myself, honestly female, so I am not sure where the compromise might be on this issue.
As I said last week, presenting publicly as female doesn’t really feel like a dramatic event for me. What strikes me the most is how normal it feels. I pull my shoulders back, push my chest forward and walk around with a great big smile on my face (well, maybe I am not smiling all the time but I am a lot more open with my emotions than I ever have been before). When I tried to keep up the male facade, that is what felt like a performance. I love being myself, comfortably, mundanely female – what a joy it is!!
I don’t even bother very much with trying too hard to be male at work now now either. For example, on Friday I baked cookies for a meeting I was chairing (a brainstorming session therefore energy food was required). The alternative was buying donuts (and then eating them, ugh…), so I just got up a bit earlier than usual and baked up a batch of ‘The Joy of Cooking’s’ sesame seed cookies (aka benne seed wafers). I was roundly complimented on how well they turned out and many, usually hard to please people (including my Director General who is a woman (does that really make any difference?)) took two. I was worried initially that bringing my own baking to work might ‘out’ myself too early, but in reflection it was a great thing to do because it was a ‘team player’ type of a thing – even though it is usually women who do it. Another example of my ‘outness’ at work is that I carry a purse instead of a briefcase or backpack to work now – actually it is a unisex purse but it is still a purse. Here is a picture of it:
. I think that the only thing that keeps me a credible male in their eyes now is that most know that I am married.
It seems that the more I allow myself to be myself, the better I feel and the more people like me. I think there is a trend in there somewhere but I am not sure… .
The trend to letting myself be more myself is a positive one from my point of view but from my wife’s point of view I am sure it sucks royally. It will be interesting to see how she reacts when she gets back. They say it is hard to stuff the genie back in the bottle so unless she is more than a bit accommodating and understanding I might find myself either really depressed or living in my apartment earlier than planned (or both…).
I have found that I really enjoy the comfortable mundaneness of being female and being accepted for the most part as female in public.
I have found that I enjoy the honesty of being me everywhere I go.
Oh the joy of finally being me!!
Love,
Marybeth Allison
It Just Happens June 15, 2008
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, appearance, hormones, society, transgender.1 comment so far
Sunday, June 15th 6:48 am
Good morning everyone! It is a fresh, noisy morning outside here at my wife’s place in the Gatineau hills of Quebec. The chipmunks are chipping, the squirrels are squirrelling, the geese are honking and the birds are singing – it is the tail end of Spring and everything is alive! As the sun slowly brightens the green canopy that surrounds me, it is hard not to be in awe of all the exuberant affirmations of life!!
I have had an interesting week, it started with a three day course (that had an interesting conclusion), then my wife left to visit her sister in the United States and I went shopping as myself on Saturday. Not, on the face of it, too interesting, but as usual I’ve drawn some conclusions related to my transition from it.
The course was interesting from the standpoint of how much of an effect the hormones have had on me physically since these days, even when I wear a suit and tie and despite the receding hairline, I look very androgynous, leaning to the fem side more than a bit. This became especially poignant when one of the speakers on the final day was someone who was in my flight (a group of about 12 cadets) in recruit term at military college (I think he may even have been my roommate at some point…) – in other words we got to know each other very well at the time. I recognized him right away but he seemed to take the full hour of the presentation to realize who I was – he was looking at me oddly throughout it. When I spoke with him at the end of the talk he was quite uncomfortable and didn’t ask the obvious question (ie. what’s with the long hair, etc…). The changes the hormones have made over the past seven or eight months have been subtle but to someone who hasn’t seen me in close to twenty years, they are quite obvious. Still it was nice to see him, I gave him my card and we said we would keep in touch. He is someone who won’t be surprised when I announce my transition later this year.
As I mentioned, my wife left for a visit with her sister so she will be gone for two weeks and I can dress, make-up and do all the girly things I want at the house during her absence. It is really quite an empowering feeling and one that affirms to me the rightness of what I am doing. The only time I have put on any male clothes so far is to go to work. Wearing skirts, dresses, shorts, t-shirts, some lip gloss or whatever I want around the house is really nice. I also did some work outside wearing a sports bra, a light top and skirt yesterday which was really neat! I am truly at the point where I am comfortable being me and I am really not worried what the neighbours (or anyone else for that matter) thinks.
I am starting to realize that is really what transition is all about – being comfortable being yourself. I never have been before and now, despite my insecurities about my appearance (receding hairline, big hands, feet, etc…), I am very comfortable being out as Marybeth – or at least as an androgynous Marybeth.
It was very cloudy and rainy yesterday morning when I went out shopping so I took my wallet and wore a jacket over a nice pink striped blouse that, while not too tight, did show my burgeoning breasts. Over the course of my morning shopping it gradually brightened up and got warmer so I took off my jacket and just carried my wallet in my hand while I did my shopping. I got one or two strange looks and one, quite indignant ‘Sir’, but otherwise it went quite well. As I said, I am comfortable and happy being who I am so I didn’t have any problems. I was very apprehensive about taking off ‘my armour – ie. my coat’ but I soon realized I didn’t have anything to worry about and I went about my business. Next weekend I am going to put in my contacts, wear a bit of mascara and put on a subtle shade of lipstick or gloss and see how that works (I have an updated picture in my ‘About Marybeth’ page if you want to see how that might look).
I think I am finally beginning to understand experientially what Liz has been writing about in her blog (http://pattiedelish.blogspot.com/) these past months. I always took her at her word that the transition she described, that of gradually being accepted as female outside of work, was theoretically possible but I never really understood what she meant until yesterday. I am finally understanding that transition isn’t about one day people see you as a guy and the next, akin to being struck by lightening, they see you as a girl. It is a gradual process that happens so subtly you hardly even notice it.
With the help of hormones and just by being myself I have slowly come to be accepted as female by more and more people. Some still view me as male when I don’t, like yesterday, wear any make-up or I wear clothing that doesn’t emphasize my breasts, but given the breadth of female expression these days, many just give me the benefit of the doubt. There as still things that I can do to tip the balance more in the ‘female’ favour like lose more weight, get a haircut that covers my hairline more effectively, wear earrings or put on some make-up but it is nice to know that going out as I did yesterday I was still accepted as female by some and at least I wasn’t harassed by anyone. It was a neat experience and happy realization that just by being myself, I was accepted as female.
Liz and those others who’ve written similar things in the blogs and journals that I’ve read over the years are right – transition just happens – it isn’t accompanied by a thunderclap or trumpets – it just is. It feels normal, it feels right, it feels like being me (which, actually, is kind of a disappointment because I was really looking forward to the trumpets…)
AH-HA!
The question I am really asking myself these days is – ‘Why did I wait over twenty years to transition???’ I have never felt so comfortable, so much myself. I walk proudly, with my back straight – not hunched over like I used to. I always have a smile on my face these days! I am not afraid to laugh or express sympathy and I even cry on occasion.
In short, it feels good to be alive!
So now I join all of God’s creatures on this wondrous Spring morning in looking forward to the future, the coming Summer Solstice and everything else that life has to offer with unrestrained joy!
Love,
Marybeth Allison
Becoming a Person June 8, 2008
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, appearance, differences, family, hormones, separateness, society, transgender.1 comment so far
Sunday, June 8th 5:28 am
Good morning everyone! It is an overcast, warm and humid morning in the Gatineau hills today. Observers here say that the weather has been good for black fly and mosquito populations and I would have to agree with them. Even under the bug tent outside a few of them have managed to invade, so here I sit, unfortunately, in the relative safety of the interior of my wife’s house.
It is often said that transition for a transgender person is a very selfish act. For me it is one of the very few times in my life that I have put my own happiness above the happiness and comfort of those around me. As I’ve written here before my life has been mostly about sacrificing myself to the detriment and eventual deterioration of my mental health.
Sacrifice is an interesting idea, I think it happens in one of two cases, either one is completely enlightened and sacrifices oneself because of a belief in the greater good (ie. a saint), or one has such a low opinion of oneself that they think the comfort of everyone around them is worth more than their own comfort (ie. a non-person). For the longest time I didn’t accept the person that I am and tried to be a person I wasn’t at such a fundamental level that the only way I could find comfort was through escapist activities (for me it was reading, computer games, and alcohol). I sacrificed myself because I thought that if I couldn’t be happy, then at least I could help others to me happy. That is why transition for me is much more than the hormones, the clothes and the physical changes, though they are important contributors to my happiness, it is fundamentally about finally accepting that I am allowed to be myself, a person, warts and all.
Right now I am struggling with my transition because I am trying to imagine how the particular type of woman I am becoming might be able to fit into the world. In some ways it is true that I am going through puberty at forty but I am going through it with the disadvantage of a 25 years of testosterone poisoning I am at that awkward stage where my body is changing (but nowhere near as fast as I would like for it to!) in the process of becoming a woman. I am asking all those puberty period questions about my body – will the hormones make my breasts big enough, will they soften my face and body enough so that I will appear feminine without surgery – will everything ‘fit’ together so that people will identify me as a woman, not as a ‘man-in-a-dress’? I think the answers to those questions is ‘wait and see’ but oh, the suspense! In the meantime, I am in-between and wondering whether surgery will be required to fix the faults or if nature will work its’ magic.
After a lifetime of forcing my mind and soul to conform to the expectations of others I am now hoping my body, through the magic of hormones and diet will conform to the expectations of my mind and my soul. I am already much happier and more at peace because of my personal acceptance of myself and the physical changes but when society sees something that doesn’t fit their expectations they can be hostile so I labour, selfishly, to try to fit within the parameters of their expectations.
I spend my time learning all those things that little girls learn. I am recapturing my pre-puberty voice, I am learning to dress myself attractively, I am learning to behave in a ladylike way, I am learning to express my emotions, I am learning to walk, I am learning to talk.
I am learning to allow myself to be myself.
I am learning to be confident as myself.
I am learning to be a person.
Does all this time learning take away from the time that I should be spending on my relationship with my wife? Yes, it does. Does that make me selfish? Yes, it does.
But It isn’t that clear cut. As a purported male, my escapism (reading, computer games and alcohol – often in combination) took me away from my marriage more than all the activities associated with my transition combined – and they didn’t make me happy!!!
Transition takes time. It is a huge learning curve. It changes me from male to female. The former frustrated, unhappy and depressed me is exchanged for the confident, happy and peaceful me.
The old me just survived, the new me thrives.
I understand that there will be sacrifice involved but I choose the sacrifice of a person who loves themselves fully and because of that can love others as fully.
I know I will never be a saint but is it too much to ask to be a person?
In closing I would like to leave you with a small ‘poem’ that I wrote that reflects how I am trying to come to grips with the essential differences between me and other women.
Different
I will always be different,
Just outside the norm.
Always yearning, striving to fit in as best I understand I should.
As male, or female I will always be slightly off,
Something won’t quite be right.
As a man I tried to learn the behaviours that would allow me to be accepted,
Though my instincts betrayed my intentions.
But the fact remains, my female mind, my female soul,
Were ill-suited to my male body.
As a woman I take hormones to conform my body to female norms,
That my hairline, my large hands and my large feet betray.
But the fact remains I will always have reminders of a male body that was unbecoming,
Though my female mind, my female soul are at peace.
I will always be different,
Just a little out of the ordinary.
But the fact remains,
I am a person.
Love,
Marybeth Allison
