…a reconciliation…finding .me.

Sunday, June 28th 12:02 pm

Good afternoon everyone!!

It is a warm and humid day out today but, thankfully, I am safely ensconced in my air conditioned bedroom. I do have a cup of mocha to keep me inspired and there is the ever present view of the Gatineau hills that I treasure so much…

Mocha – I haven’t really been drinking coffee since the middle of January. It is my way of showing self discipline – I figure if I can cut coffee out of my life for any period of time, then I’ve really accomplished something!

I guess for me though, focussing on the right thing has always been a problem.

Right now, I really need to focus on becoming myself independent of who and what everyone else thinks I should be. Who cares what society thinks I should be? Who cares what my friends think I should be? Who cares what my family thinks I should be?

I do.

I did.

I am changing.

I am having a really tough time breaking old habits.

I want to be my own person.

I guess that means that I will have to trust myself and accept that I will ‘lose sight of land’ for quite some time.

It has been a really tough week for me personally. I have been on an emotional roller-coaster.

Sometimes I enjoy being around people and other times I don’t enjoy it all.

Sometimes I find that the people I am around or talking to raise my self-esteem and other times I can feel it crashing into the ground.

Is this because of hormones? Maybe.

Is this because I’m in a fragile place in my transition? Maybe.

I am really just trying to maintain the strength to ‘be myself’.

I don’t want to be in situations where I find it difficult to be myself.

I want to be accepted as who I am not who I was or what others expect me to be.

I need to concentrate on friendships that nurture and support the newly emerging me.

I often find it too easy to slip into my old ‘role’.

I think this will most certainly mean that I will have to ‘chart a new course’. Try new things. Be experimental. Be daring.

I really, really want to hang on to the best parts of my old life but I know that I can’t do that at the expense of ‘me’.

I think I understand why some transwomen leave the place where they were living as men and start their new lives in new places. It gives them the opportunity to redefine themselves unencumbered by old expectations and un-tempted by the ‘comfort’ of their old ‘role’.

As a transsexual I am and always will be a ‘hybrid’. Because I was born male there are so many ‘bits’ of me that remain very male-like despite the hormones and the anti-androgens. Electrolysis has helped with some of the hair but for other parts of my body I will always be shaving – forever. My skeletal structure will always be very male – there is nothing I can do about that – my hands, my shoulders, my legs, my feet will remain as they are. Over the next few years (it takes a full five years for hormones to completely work their magic) my male parts may become more feminine looking – my quite male muscular legs may thin out a bit and become more feminine in appearance for example. As a man my body was quite masculine so as a woman the edges may become softer but I will always be slightly ‘different’.

But then again I am used to that.

I have always lived on the outside looking in.

I guess the difference now is that I am much happier with myself, despite my numerous imperfections.

I expect that, at different times, this summer will be tremendously joyous for me.

I expect that, at different times, this summer will be tremendously anguishing for me.

Redefining yourself at forty-one years of age is … an incredible opportunity.

(But sometimes it feels like an awful curse.)

As I wrote last week, I am an earth monkey and a Taurus. Earth and Taurus give me persistence and dependability and Monkey gives me adaptability. I think these traits ring true for me personally. Monkeys are also supposed to be highly sociable but it has only been since I’ve transitioned that I am beginning to understand how important people are in my life.  I just have to learn how to deal with people so I have positive experiences – not negative ones.

I was a loner for most of my life but since I’ve transitioned,  I don’t think I can handle that kind of isolation any more.

I have made many mistakes (my over-reaction to a relatively minor incident at a friends place a few weeks back which resulted in her refusing to allow me to visit her place anymore is an example of that) and I know I will make many more as I struggle to truly ‘find’ myself.

But this summer should be tremendously exciting for me no matter what happens.

It isn’t everyone that gets the chance to start living their life authentically at forty-one.

With the right focus, I know I will make the most of mine!!

Love,

Marybeth