…a reconciliation…finding .me.

Sunday, July 5th 7:28 am

Good morning everyone!!

It is a cool (14 degrees Celsius – funny how everything is relative!) sunny morning today. I’ve got a cup of hot mocha by my side and my cat Lily is sitting next to the window, keeping guard over me as I write.

(belated) Happy Canada Day!!

(belated) Happy Independence Day!!

I thought that I should get those two in there, after all, it has been a week of celebrations!!

My week went well, busy, fun and relaxing at different times. I saw ‘Up’ on Sunday (very worth it – a wonderful movie!), went shopping with a friend on Monday (very successful and then we went to the Mandarin on Ogilvie – the best Chinese food in Ottawa!), hostessed a Canada day celebration for a friend (homemade seafood risotto, fresh lime magaritas and a great view of the amazing Parliament Hill fireworks from my balcony), had a great counselling appointment on Thursday (more on that later), spent a day off to read ‘The End of Mr. Y’ (a wonderful book – geek chick-lit!) and then enjoyed a pedicure and endured electrolysis on Saturday! Today I’ll probably go see a movie and then see my ex for a game of Scrabble. A very busy week but a heckuva a lot of fun. What was even better was that I took a couple of days off so I was able to sleep in on many of those days too!!

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the most amazing thing about my transition so far is how much I’ve changed from a person who ‘just disappeared into the basement’ to a fully participative member of society. I just do more things with more people more often now. I still try to carve out my downtime but I find that I am energized by being out with people as much as when I am by myself with a good book these days.  It is a really neat change and one that I am still adjusting to.

I really think that I am getting to a place in life where I am strong enough to dump all the destructive ‘baggage’ that I’ve been carrying around for far too long.

What baggage?

Well, those of you who have followed my blog (a decreasing number I imagine since I’ve been at this for almost three years now…) will know that I spent some time in the military, and not just the ‘vanilla’ military either – I went to a small military college (similar to Westpoint, Annapolis or any of the other military academies in the U.S.) on the West coast of Canada (which actually doesn’t exist anymore). There were approximately 230 cadets from all years. The initial basic training for officers (which I barely made it through…) followed by the year of hazing that is first year at military college had a huge impact on me. That followed by summers doing army training on the East coast of Canada, where again I barely made it through, and then, after graduation, four years of second-lieutenant ‘heck’ in the middle of the Canadian prairies, again surviving but never really fitting in – really left me a much different person than I was when I went in. I still have nightmares about that time in my life.

When I was finally able to call my parents during recruit term at military college (surreptitiously since recruits weren’t allowed phone privileges…), my mom told me to come home right away. I should have listened to her advice but I was too stubborn I guess. I should also have left after first year was done when we were allowed to without any strings attached. But, again I was too stubborn – I was too ‘proud’ of having made it through a very difficult process (by the time I graduated military college just over half of my entry class weren’t there).

I graduated and I did my four years of military service but I was very damaged in some ways when I finally left.

I didn’t fit in with the military and the more I tried to submerge my true self and try to fit in the more unhappy I became. No matter how much I tried to fit in people could always detect that there was something ‘odd’ about me and it made many people uncomfortable. I was picked on in almost every instance, my only respite was when there was someone more obviously ‘odder’ than I was, so they were picked on instead of me.

The most beautiful thing about transition is that I am the most comfortable I have ever been privately, in public – everywhere. There is nothing ‘odd’ about me anymore – I am a woman. I have always been a woman. Everything fits.

My therapist gave me some excellent advice when I saw her last Thursday and I brought up my military experience. She said that it happened over twenty years ago – move on. She said that I am happy now and I should just focus on being happy.

I am.

I will.

I guess that everyone lives with many could’ave, should’ave, would’aves – and I have mine. My advice to any transsexual who ever contemplates making themselves more masculine (or feminine) to ‘fit in’ is ‘Don’t Do It’. It just isn’t worth it – in any way.

The reason I bring all this ‘baggage’ up is that I had a dream earlier this week where I imagined that I ‘shrugged off’ a big heavy coat or backpack of some sort and the relief I felt was amazing!!  The message for me was simple – I don’t need to carry it around with me anymore – it is over.

The past has passed.

After all these years,

I am finally myself.

I need to get out and enjoy the present and look forward to my wonderful future!!

With no regrets!!!

(and no excess baggage!)

Love,

Marybeth

ps.  I think that my decisions to get rid of my ‘excess’ baggage has already shown some positive effects.  I am finding that a good friend and I are getting along much better now!!