…a reconciliation…finding .me.

Sunday, July 12th 10:40 am

Good morning everyone! It is overcast and relatively cool outside this morning. Compared to the ‘severe thunderstorms’ of yesterday, today is calm and relaxing.

It has been an interesting week – things never seem to be ‘boring’ for me anymore. In fact, I am starting to realize that perhaps I need to have more time to myself just to take better stock of everything and to work more effectively towards ensuring that the foundations of my new life are as solid as they can be.  This will help make me a better person and a better friend.

I got the first real taste of just how ‘shaky’ my foundation truly is when I had an experience with a friend in which I had scheduled things a little too tightly on one of my days off. I was rushing from place to place and she felt pressured by my tight schedule, so our plans fell through at the last moment, leaving a sour taste in both our mouths. We didn’t speak for a couple of days after that.

Though I’ve written about it before, I think I am finally beginning to understand just how tightly wound I have been for most of my life.

Very early on I decided that to be comfortable, I needed predictability. Predictability gave me a comfort zone – the best way to ensure there were ‘no surprises’ was to (over) schedule things.

My desire for predictability and comfort was also reflected in the difficulty I had in making choices – I was and still am to some extent, a procrastinator.  I was literally afraid that something ‘new’ might upset the delicate balance of my ‘comfort’.  Sometimes the procrastination worked to my advantage and at others it blew up in my face.

The more I think about how ‘safe’ I liked everything to be and how much of a procrastinator I was, the more I realize that it was/is ultimately all about control.

Why control?

As an ‘in-the-closet’ transsexual I had to very carefully monitor and control every aspect of my life. Fundamentally I had to control myself – my natural impulses and motivations.

What I didn’t realize was that my desire for safety and therefore, my need for control, affected other parts of my life too. To be truly safe, it wasn’t sufficient to just control myself – I had to control every aspect of every situation which meant I felt I had to control others as well.

For me control wasn’t about power over other people, it was about concealing my ‘ugly’ secret – it was about protecting myself.

The desire to protect myself took a toll on me and my relationships over the years to the point where I just couldn’t relax and others couldn’t relax around me.  I couldn’t relax because I was concerned about my ‘performance’ of masculinity and my friends couldn’t relax around me because they saw how uncomfortable I was.  I had impossible expectations for myself and for those around me.  They wondered why I seemed to be unhappy and, sometimes, they blamed it on themselves.

Transition is a learning process and it is only because I’ve transitioned that I am now realizing how much of a toxic effect the need to ‘control’ has had in my life.

Transition has given me the opportunity to just be myself – unfiltered – I really don’t have anything to hide anymore.   I love how my body is changing – I don’t need to be ashamed of it anymore.  I can trust myself now – I can let my emotions show.  I know now that if I don’t want to do something at a certain time because it just doesn’t feel right – I shouldn’t do it – I can trust my instincts.  In the same way shouldn’t be afraid of unfamiliar situations – I can just react naturally.

I can be myself and I can just let others be themselves too.

No expectations.

No control.

The problem I am having is that, even knowing and understanding all of this, after so many years the need to control myself and, to a certain extent, others still remains.

Old habits are hard to break.

I need to do what feels right for me and let others do the same for themselves – period.

While it may seem like a simple lesson, it is one that I am still in the process of learning.

For too many years I’ve suffocated under a self-imposed tyranny of how I thought I had to act to be safe.

And for too many years I’ve imposed my expectations on others.

For the first time I can finally just relax and be.

This weekend was the first step in that journey and it has been very fulfilling.

I can only pray that I have the willpower to not slip into old habits and begin ‘winding’ myself up again.

It feels good to be free!

Love,

Marybeth