…a reconciliation…finding .me.

Sunday, July 19th 7:22 am

Good morning everyone!

It is cool and cloudy outside on my balcony this morning. It seems much more like an autumn day than a summer one – I think it is around twelve degrees out here right now – cool – and windy too. But fear not, I have my wonderful cup of hot mocha by my side so I should be fortified well enough for my writing this morning!

I haven’t really decided what to write about this morning as there are so many things rushing around in my head. I can’t believe how quickly time has gone by for one. We’re already close to the end of July – amazing.

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Good evening everyone! It is 6:18 pm now and the weather has changed to warm and sunny but there is still a cool breeze. I didn’t feel any real inspiration this morning so I stopped writing. Hopefully writing this evening will be a bit more successful.

This blog is meant to be an accurate reflection of how I’m feeling, the week I’ve had and any revelations that have occurred to me.

I am quite happy with some of the entries I’ve made – those ones seem to write themselves (I love my muse!) and others are more difficult to write because I don’t have one particular thought in mind prior to sitting down and typing.

As I wrote this morning, today is one of those days.

I am sitting out here in my deck chair staring across the Ottawa River towards the Gatineau Hills and all I can think about is how much I miss British Columbia and being at my parent’s place in the summer. I would love to be there right now but I know that I can’t risk it – it is far too early in my transition to return there.

The way I like to think about my transitioning process is that I am in the process of becoming a woman – like all woman do. As Simone de Beauvoir said – ‘One is not born a woman, one becomes one.’. Some of parts of being a woman are instinctual and other parts are learned – through observation, by listening to advice, through experimentation, by trusting oneself – overcoming our doubts and through the support of friends and family.

That is the principle reason I am not going back to B.C. this summer, really. If I went back now I am afraid that it would be too early. I am still too immature as a woman and too unsure of myself in too many ways. I do so want to fly but I am afraid I might crash if I go back too soon.

I have made so much progress over the past year – the past eight or nine months have been a blur. Things truly do happen when preparation meets opportunity (to paraphrase Seneca (isn’t the internet a truly wonderful thing – it is almost like I am ‘learned’!)). Moving out and starting my life anew was one of the toughest things I have ever had to do – yet if I hadn’t have done it I would have eventually succumbed to a deeper and deeper depression.

Transitioning has given me another chance to live a full life.

My boss commented to me this week that he thought it had taken me a lot of courage for me to transition and I looked at him and said ‘Not really, given the choices I had, transitioning was the only one I could have made.’.

And that is really what it comes down to.

If I hadn’t have transitioned … I don’t even want to think about it.

Yes, I won’t lie, transition can be difficult. It can be frustrating and it can lonely. But there truly are moments of great joy and happiness. Those moments happen so much more regularly now than they ever did before.

I suppose one way to think about it is to remember the awkwardness of puberty.

For me puberty wasn’t so much awkward as it was disappointing. I didn’t feel the same way as my friends about the things they were going through – so I had to fake it (poorly as it turned out… but that’s another story for another time…).

Transitioning for me is like going through the puberty I should have had – at forty-one years old. All the self-image issues, the lack of confidence and the learning.

My real puberty has finally arrived – but, better late than never!

The hormones rushing through my body are doing their job, physically and emotionally – I am a much different person than I was a year ago. I don’t need to visit the amusement park to ride the roller-coaster I spend too much time on one as it is!!

Things have been getting calmer lately and I am beginning to feel much more confident than I have ever felt before but there are still moments when the fireworks start and I get dazzled.

I will go back and visit my family because I love them dearly.

But I will go back when I am more comfortable and I know myself better.

I am so happy – I am finally becoming!!

And for that I am so, so grateful!!!!

Love,

Marybeth