Hope and Wonder September 4, 2009
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, family, friends, happiness, transition, transsexual.trackback
September 4th 5:21 am
Good morning everyone!
It is a cool, sort of windy, quiet morning beautifully lit by a full (or almost full) moon!!
I can’t believe my luck actually. I enjoyed the sunset so much last night I thought I would come out on the balcony this morning for the sunrise and lo and behold – a full moon! September 4th is actually the night of the full moon but on the morning of the full moon it seems full enough to me!!
I love the moon. I value the moonshine more than I value sunshine because I get the chance to bathe in it (like I am this morning) much lot less often. I love it because I can stare directly at the moon and ponder its many mysteries. The way my building is positioned, I don’t get this oppourtunity very often so I feel very blessed this morning!!!!
It’s funny actually, I came out this morning with the intention of writing about how stressed I feel about everything right now and instead I am surprised by the blessing of a full moon.
In case I haven’t written this enough here – transition is tough. Extremely tough.
As I wrote yesterday, I am working really hard to be optimistic. I think with a few key resolutions, I can really make some positive changes in my life. I know that some of the most fundamental of those changes will be very uncomfortable and, in some cases, hurt a great deal.
I always fancied myself as a pretty independent person. I didn’t need anyone else’s help. I still believe that to a certain extent but in many ways, transitioning has made me feel very, vulnerable and often, very alone.
Transitioning has made me a stronger, happier person in so many, many ways – it has taken me out of my shell to an extent that many days I never want to be reminded of that shell ever again. But some days I just want to climb back into it and never talk to anyone ever again.
If I don’t talk to anyone I won’t have expectations of them and I won’t be disappointed.
If I don’t have any hopes I won’t be upset when they are crushed.
Transitioning is worth the (huge) risk to me because from the bottom of my soul I know it is my essential truth.
But just because it is the truth doesn’t mean that everyone I know or meet will be convinced and supportive.
Yesterday I had a ‘me’ day. I needed it. I stayed in my apartment and thought and wrote and thought some more. I felt safe and comfortable but by the end of the day I also felt depressed.
It was nice but ultimately maybe it wasn’t what I really needed. Maybe what I really needed to do was to get out of my apartment and think. Perhaps what I really needed to do was to go to a park with a notebook – not sit inside a small space and think myself into a depression.
Since I have transitioned I have had many very positive experiences with friends and family.
Since I have transitioned I have had many very negative experience with the very same people.
Who is to judge when a relationship becomes ‘unhelpful’?
I had a really bad phone call with my parents last night. They called me at the start of August and then didn’t call me again until the end of it. I felt forgotten and alone. Summer is a really tough time for me. I really wanted to be at the lake with them this summer but didn’t feel ready (actually I am really, really glad I didn’t go). When I didn’t hear from them for the whole month, I felt neglected – like I wasn’t important enough to them to be thought of and called. I didn’t feel like I was a part of their family.
Which is exactly how I felt the entire time I was growing up – so everything compounded and compounded until they finally got me on the phone last night and I found that I didn’t really want to talk to them, so I hung up. I didn’t want to talk with them because they really didn’t want to talk to me for essentially an entire month. I felt like the only reason they called me was that they felt an ‘obligation’ to me.
I don’t want to be anyone’s ‘obligation’.
I am not a charity case.
I want them to want to talk to me because I am someone they really want to talk to. Because they value my conversation and my friendship.
I suppose that is why I got depressed yesterday. I am not sure who is really my friend and who feels they have an ‘obligation’ to me – for whatever reason.
Since I have transitioned I have seen the best and the worst from people. I have seen friends disappear from my life and I have had to renegotiate my relationships with others. I am never sure who I can trust and who I can’t.
Who is really my friend and who isn’t.
Perhaps the only way to deal with the conundrum is to be the best person I can be and take my blessings as they come.
I am so happy I saw the sunset last night. It turned a depressing day into an inspirational one.
I am so happy that I saw the birth of a full moon this morning – it is an auspicious start to the day.
I suppose that is the real lesson here. If I remain true to myself the blessings will come.
Transition is a very, very tough path to follow but for me it is the only path I can follow – all the others I tried were dead ends.
Along the way I have had some very, very good experiences and some very, very bad experiences.
And I will as I go forward.
Blessings like last night and this morning are wondrous reminders of blissful days yet to come.
The moon has set, the sun has risen, a new day has begun.
Wish me luck!
Love,
Marybeth
Oh honey, sounds like you need a hug! Have yourself a good sniffle, then lift up your chin and give your head a shake girl! I know you’re hurting inside but you’re smart enough to realize that when you transitioned you took the whole fam damily along for the ride too! They need time to adjust just like you do. And lets face it, some of them just wont ‘get it’. They weren’t privy to the inner angst, just the outer manifestations of your struggles with your demons so they don’t see you becoming the person you’ve always envisioned yourself to be, they only see the loss of the man they thought they knew, and the birth of a woman they don’t know very well yet. Phones work both ways. Call ‘em up and tell ‘em ya love them. Gather up your courage and come to the lake for a short visit – I think you have a need to reconnect with your past as well if it’s calling you home that strongly- a chance to view your life from the front as well as from the back and put that part of it in perspective. with who you are now. There’ll be awkward bits of course – it’s family! There’s always awkward bits with family. But they still love you, even when they don’t call! I’ve been reading your blog for quite some time now and I certainly applaud and support your difficult decision to transition. I admire your courage and the candor with which you write about your feelings, your fears and triumphs. Some of those themes, talking about living a life that is a lie, living with the knowledge you aren’t what other people expect you to be – those struck a particular chord with me because I experienced that while I was a deeply closeted, and scared, gay man. Coming out to my family was the hardest, and the scariest part of accepting myself and being accepted as who I truly was, but in the end it was worth it (and very anti-climactic as well) I think you’ll find the same once your family gets used to the whole idea and some of the shock wears off. So, when you’re ready, I look forward to meeting you at the lake again, for the first time!
With much respect, Gord (Pat’s friend) P.S. Lot’s of luck Marybeth!!
Gordon,
Thank you for the wonderful comment!
I have thought a lot about what you wrote and while I agree with the majority of it I am not ready to act on it right now.
I transitioned because way too often I felt excluded – I didn’t feel like I belonged. Now that I have transitioned, I feel much better, much more comfortable and I feel like I fit in better.
You are right, I do need to re-connect with my past, just not right now and perhaps, given the recent turn of events, not for many years in the future. I have so many things going on right now – I need to concentrate on building myself up. I think that if I visited the lake right now, all my hard work would be for naught.
Perhaps my parents have done me a favour? I think I have leaned on them far too often – I need to learn to stand on my own two feet and succeed or fail on my own terms.
It hurts like heck to realize and write this but I think that I am strong enough – I will have to be strong enough.
Thank you again for your kind words and thoughts.
Perhaps we will meet again in the future.
Take Care,
Marybeth