Being Kind September 27, 2009
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, friends, reflection, transition, transsexual.trackback
Sunday, Sept 27th 7:12 pm
Good evening everyone!
It has been a rainy cool day today and that is kind of the mood I am in right now as I type.
I had an interesting talk and an interesting afternoon with a friend today – it left me with much to think about.
As of today I have been living full time for five months and I have been on hormones for about a year and a half (give or take…). It has also been about a year now that I have been living apart from my ex-wife and we’ve been divorced now for almost two months.
A lot of dates, a lot of milestones, a lot of progress towards my goals.
The week was interesting in that I took a couple of days off work to drive a friend to Toronto so that I could be there to support her through a stressful appointment she had.
I keep thinking that I am doing the ‘right thing’ when I help my friends out in situations where they don’t have the resources or they simply need someone to lean on but the conversation I had with my friend made me think that maybe I am not doing the things I do for others for especially ‘selfless’ reasons.
I think I am doing the things I do because helping people with their problems is so much easier that dealing with my own problems.
I have always thought of myself as an independent self sufficient person but I think the reality is that I have fooled myself (and others maybe (maybe not?)) into believing that.
I am starting to think that I have swept many of my issues under the carpet.
Avoiding the problems isn’t the same as dealing with them.
And I am not dealing with my problems when I help other people out with their issues so that I don’t have to face my own demons.
One way to think about it is that I would rather help other people with their issues because they know what they want but I don’t deal with my own issues because I don’t really know where to start. This can be applied at a small scale (shopping) or at a big scale (life).
It also comes from low self esteem – my problems aren’t really that important (I will suffer in silence…) – some one else’s need always trumps my own.
As I’ve written before I’ve lived most of my life trying to live up to what I imagined the expectations of others were. I felt that what I thought their expectations were were more important that my own expectations. It was only when I starting taking my own expectations of life seriously (what would I regret if I died tomorrow?) that I made the decision to transition and even then I have tried very hard not to ‘disappoint’ anyone.
Now that I am in the process of addressing such a fundamental part of my existence – my gender. I think that now might be a good time to address the other issues in my life.
I have addressed one issue but the central issue is still there – I still try to please others so that I can avoid dealing with my own problems.
I help others but I still feel frustrated because my own problems remain. At times my frustration at my inability to deal with my problems comes out and the people I am ‘helping’ feel attacked because I helped them.
I have made a great deal of progress in my transition and I am very happy about that.
It is now time to tackle all those other problems that I have hidden under the carpet for so long.
I can still help people but I need to be helping them for the right reason – out of love not avoidance.
I need to start being kind to myself so that I can be truly kind to others.
Love,
Marybeth
Now this is a brilliant step forward in your own growth. Knowing is half the battle. I think now that you can admit you avoid dealing with your issues you’ll find them far less difficult to address.
You have made much progress. I hope you can find the strength to see what I see, and continue to make yourself more assertive, and stronger.
I have no regrets knowing you. It’s just been hard watching you file away things you could have dealt with by now. I do have faith that time is here finally. I am proud of you. You ARE an amazing friend.
But as I have said before, in your life, you MUST always come first.
much love,
Adrienne
xx oo
Adrienne,
Thank you for the comment.
The main thing I have learned about transition is that everything takes time – the physical changes, the emotional changes and the mental changes. Now that these things are progress I can more easily deal with the many compromises and poor decisions I made so that I could function before I transitioned. My head is clearer now so I can see the things that held me back and made me so angry and frustrated. It takes time but at least I am on my way.
Take Care,
Marybeth