…a reconciliation…finding .me.

Sunday, October 25th 6:24 am

Good morning everyone!!!

It is a relatively nice six degrees Celsius outside this morning but the wind is blowing so I’m inside typing away. I love to write outside but when it is windy, I just don’t have the stamina to stay outside for long. So here I am snuggly ensconced in bed with a scented candle for light and a warm mocha for sustenance and inspiration – I love Sunday mornings!!!

I have much to write about this week. I must apologize for missing last week’s entry but sometimes life gets too hectic and heavy to take the time to write. Now that I am writing I realize that I should have taken the time though, it seems like writing takes my worries away!

Last week my good friend returned back from some time with her family in Halifax and felt a bit homesick as she readjusted to life in Ottawa. Ottawa is a nice city but it isn’t always a very friendly city and after being in the warm embrace of her family for a week I think coming back was a bit of a letdown for her.

As I think about my future and about my ‘home’ in Ottawa I realize that I’ve never really felt ‘at home’ anywhere.

I think the town I grew up in is about as close to a home as I’ve ever had but since I never allowed myself the freedom to fully be myself I never felt totally comfortable there. I had a big secret that I desperately wanted to share but was too scared too. A significant part of me never lived there, or in any of the other places that I frequented over the years.

In Ottawa I finally found the courage and support I needed to fully accept myself. I am finally getting to express my whole self and it is very exhilarating!

These past months of living full time have been a slow learning curve. I started out very conservatively at work, not wanting to shock anyone. I wore flats for the first couple of months and then progressed to heels. I wore conservative jewellery for many months and now I am wearing more interesting combinations of accessories. I haven’t yet worn a skirt or dress to work but I know I will in the next few weeks since I just bought a great below the knee dress that fits with a suit I have been wearing regularly!! I am experimenting with different approaches to give my hair more volume and have been playing around with different make-ups like eyeshadow to make my face more feminine.

After so many years of harshly repressing any bit of femininity that I had, I am feeling more and more comfortable letting it all come out.

That was one of the reasons why I didn’t write last week. My friend (rather harshly), reminded me that after a year of knowing me it still seemed to her that I wasn’t fully expressing my femininity. I tried to rationalize that I was being careful and that I didn’t want to overdo it, etc… but in the end I realized that she was right. I had been holding myself back.

I think that the old me, the part of me that ferociously protected the scared little girl for so many years, was still trying to protect me from harm.

He had his purpose and I thank him for all the work he did but his time is over. I may lean on him for support from time to time but I am growing stronger every day.

I am slowly becoming the woman I knew I was ever since I was a little girl.

He was my protector but I can make my own decisions and fight my own battles now.

I am not afraid of myself anymore.

The last year has been a rush of exploring and expressing myself. Though the floodgates had opened I still felt some apprehension about letting myself fully be.

It was like it was too good to be true and I didn’t want to ruin it by being too greedy.

But it is true.

And it is good.

And it is my life now!

So Ottawa is the place I chose to transition in but Ottawa will never really be home to me.

There are too many memories here.

Too many stark reminders of the person I tried to be but ultimately couldn’t sustain.

The relationships that I built here before I transitioned were based on a fundamental untruth. I lied to myself and to the many others whom I came to know.

Next year I will have my defining operation and I will officially be female.

No more little secrets.

No more hidden shame.

I will finally, after a lifetime of struggle, be at home with myself.

And then it will be time to find myself a place to live where there won’t be any reminders of my lie.

And I will finally be ‘home’.

Love,

Marybeth