…a reconciliation…finding .me.

Saturday, March 14th 6:37 am

Good morning everyone!

This morning’s instalment comes from sunny Boston! (At least I think it will be sunny, it is still a little too dark out to tell!)

I am sitting in a dark hotel room with a cup of water by my side, and although it is relatively spartan in comparison to my usual set up for inspirational writing at home (hot chocolate, scented candle, beautiful view) it seems appropriate for concentration, reflection and the type of entry that I think I’ll be writing today.

I’ve got a lot on my mind – I was thinking about what I might write about all night and for most of the last two days.

It has been a really busy and eventful week. It was my last week at work as ‘him’, I managed to somewhat repair and then screw up a friendship I really, really value (see last week’s entry) and my ex-wife and I drove to Boston for my work (the Boston Seafood Show), for my surgery (Dr. Spiegel and his scalpel awaits!) and for her meditation conference (hosted by Jon Kabat-Zinn).

The next four days will be my last ‘official’ days as ‘him’ (although I have to cross the border back to Canada at the end of the month so I guess he gets one more guest appearance then). The day after the Boston Seafood Show ends (next Wednesday), my manager and his manager will quickly spread the word that I will be returning to work in mid-April as Marybeth. I am so excited, so nervous and I feel so alone.

The loneliness part is entirely my fault. As I wrote earlier I managed to screw up a friendship that I really, really value.

I wrote last week that friendships between transsexuals going through transition can be tumultuous affairs. On my part I had too many insecurities, too many emotions and not enough understanding about how to deal with them.

In retrospect perhaps the friendship was always on shaky ground. I was just so overjoyed at finding someone who I could honestly share my transition with – someone who would be non-judgemental as I questioned everything about who I am – my appearance, my emotions, my sexuality – everything! If you read my blog entries over the past six months I think you will get some sense of my gushing about this friendship.

I valued her friendship so much that I didn’t want it to end – so I tried to be as accommodating as I could be. I wanted the friendship so badly that I didn’t object to things that I perhaps should have. I respected her and her struggles so much that I wanted to help her with no thought about what the cost was to me. It got to the point, I think, that what I wanted didn’t matter anymore – only my friendship with her mattered. I think I was literally a different person when I was around her. Like a fourteen year old girl twisting and contorting herself to ‘fit in’ and be accepted.

As an aside I should add that I am a quite introverted person. Ever since I lost my one close childhood friend, Allison, to the fact that I was a boy not a girl I have generally favoured books, school/work and solitude to a large circle of friends. I think I have only ever had two or three close friends at any one time throughout my whole life. Friendships in general are very important to me, this one specifically was so special I was willing to do anything to keep it.

My trans-friend was the one person who knew me as Marybeth, treated me as Marybeth and preferred me as Marybeth. She helped my self confidence and my transition over the past six months an incredible amount. I respected her so much that her victories were my victories and her challenges were my challenges.

Which is why I am so ashamed at my childish reaction caused by my insecurities and low self esteem.

So what happened?

The inevitable I guess.

We went out one evening, I couldn’t handle my emotions (and my newly emerging sexuality), I drank too much too fast, harsh words were exchanged and I panicked.

I panicked. I tried to pretend everything was the same as it ever was but really, neither she nor I were going to accept that.

I tried to understand the friendship from every angle, the give and take, all the time we spent together doing so many different things. My feelings ran amok. I built conspiracies out of every ebb and flow of our friendshp to the point that I couldn’t handle it anymore so I went to my counsellor and spilled out all my insecurities into her office.

After that meeting I had a better idea of how a friendship with my trans-friend would have to be if it was to work at all.

We had to have open communication and real honesty about our feelings. So, when I spoke to her next we discussed, in general terms, what my counsellor had told me and agreed to a set of ground rules that would keep our friendship solid.

But the essential damage had already been done. In my baring of my insecurities to my counsellor I had irretrievably damaged our friendship – losing the trust of both her and my counsellor.

My low self esteem led me to question everything. Things that I had given out of kindness and understanding I wondered out loud if I had been taken advantage of. Everything acquired new meaning in that context.

In retrospect I can see how my panicking was childish and how irresponsible my actions were. If I had a problem with my friend I should have shared it with her. But my insecurities cautioned me that if she was upset with my ‘complaints’ then I would lose her friendship so I didn’t.

Even after we had our discussion and agreed to communicate better I sent an e-mail to my counsellor thanking her for her advice and didn’t tell my friend I had sent it, compounding the problem even more.

My trans friend doesn’t trust me.

My counsellor doesn’t trust me.

And I don’t trust myself.

So now, before I have my surgery and before I come out at work I find myself so very alone and I only have my own insecurities and low self esteem to blame.

No one ever said that transition would be easy but then again, I never imagined that I could sabotage myself so thoroughly either.

I think I am strong enough to stand on my own and perhaps that is what I need to do to become a better more complete person.

I need to strike out alone and discover who Marybeth really is and what she wants out of life.

As ‘him’ I was always worried about the expectations of others. I made ‘him’ into what I thought they wanted ‘him’ to be – I tried to be as accommodating as possible, fearing their rejection.

Not realizing that all they wanted was for ‘me’ to be happy.

I know that I am a happy person now. Closing the door on ‘him’ will make me even happier.

Maybe I need to be alone and be selfish until I discover who I am and what I want.

Maybe then I will have the self esteem and the self confidence I need to have healthy, open and trusting friendships.

I need to trust myself before I can expect others to trust me.

I need to respect myself before I can expect others to respect me.

I can’t be afraid.

Anymore.

Love,

Marybeth

ps. I really thought long and hard about whether I should actually post this but then I thought that I really shouldn’t try to sugar coat anything about my transition. It is a tough, soul-wrenching journey of self discovery and, perhaps eventually, of enlightenment but no matter how much the emotional (see above) and physical costs (my scalp advancement and eventual SRS surgery) it is worth every penny!!

pps. I have my surgery on Thursday so the next entry(ies) might be frequent or not depending on how my recovery progresses!