Fall, Friends and Growth November 8, 2009
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, friends, hope, learning, transition, transsexual.2 comments
Sunday, November 8th 6:37 am
Good morning everyone!
It is a relatively warm seven degrees Celsius under a hazy sky today. The sun is just peeking over the horizon in the East and it looks like it will be a clear, bright beautiful day!
Fall is a very unpredictable season. You never know what the weather is going to be like, so, as I am finding out, it is difficult to decide how to dress appropriately for it.
Dressing for the weather is so much more complicated for women than it is for men. There are different coats, different footwear and different accessories depending on the weather. It gets really complicated if it is below zero when you go to work and in the teens when you come back!!
It’s no wonder that women seem to be more in touch with their physical surroundings than men generally are – it is a practical necessity!!
It also goes without saying that most women are also more sensitive to their emotional surroundings than men are too.
Having endured years of testosterone poisoning and now being in the blissful embrace of estrogen I can definitely attest to that.
But it can be a two edged sword.
The past two weeks in my life are a great example.
I am friends with a great person whom I don’t always see eye-to-eye with. Sometimes when we are hanging out with each other I have the greatest time I could ever imagine! Other times I am left speechless by her observations about my life and her suggestions for me to improve it. Sometimes things can be going really well and then suddenly nosedive into unpleasantness.
But, I guess, some relationships are like that – there are good times and bad.
It could be that my relationship with her (to really stretch an analogy…) is a lot like autumn – the weather is really unpredictable so I never know what to expect.
She has often observed that I am a very sensitive romantic woman and I would say that is quite accurate.
In a previous lifetime I was nicknamed the ‘ice’ man so I must say that getting used to the emotional part of being a woman has been one of the most interesting aspects of my transition so far. I feel everything exquisitely – happiness and sadness.
One moment I am riding high on the good feelings of friendship and the next I am stung by an offhand comment
Sometimes the truth hurts.
But the truth also sets us free.
Sometimes criticism can be like a burning stake stabbed right into your heart.
But it can also open eyes that were blind.
I would have to say that much of what she has suggested to me is valid. There are many things that I should be doing that I am just not. There are many things that I should have done that I just didn’t (but, mostly, am doing now…). There are many things that I need to do too.
Transitioning is a slow, wonderful process of learning and growth.
Years of repression fall away to reveal the full expression of a hidden soul.
Fragile at first, she crawls, gathers courage, stands up, walks and, gaining confidence, she finally runs.
This past year has been a whirlwind for me. After so many years of crawling, of hiding, of fear, I have finally stood up and begun to walk on my own two feet.
I may not be moving very fast (I am often quite frustrated with myself) but I know that I am moving forward.
I often feel quite fragile, my nerves raw.
But I know that I will make it.
I know that one day, I will run.
Perhaps, as my friend suggested, I have been getting complacent?
Old habits die hard.
There is so much to learn, so much to do, so much to be.
I can’t let his worn out ‘comfort zones’ contain me.
I have to move away from and beyond them.
To stake out a new world for myself.
To run!
To dance!!
And sing!!!
Love,
Marybeth
Changing Seasons October 12, 2009
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, equinox, friends, learning, transition, transsexual.add a comment
Monday, October 12th 5:49 am
Good morning everyone!
It is a clear and cool zero (!) degrees Celsius here this morning. It is the first day that it has been this cold this fall but it is supposed to drop into the minus five to six range later this week. I’m not sure if I am actually ready for these kinds of temperatures yet but given how the weather was this ‘summer’ I should be prepared for anything!!
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!
I can’t believe I almost let that one slip by!
I have so much to be thankful for this year!!!
Thank you everyone!!!!!
It has been a good long weekend for me so far (one more day left!). I have managed to get all of my chores done and out of the way – including a few that have been on the back-burner for a couple of months now. My apartment is now more or less de-cluttered and I have definite plans for sprucing it up.
Thanksgiving and Easter are my favourite holidays of the year. Coming as they do around the spring and fall equinoxes they are the harbingers of the warm and cold seasons. In the spring we come out of hibernation and in the fall we prepare for our annual retreat to the warmth of the hearth.
Being habitually introverted I welcome the feelings of security and coziness that come with the cooler weather. Curling up with a good book or watching a neat movie is very comforting.
I’m realizing now, since my transition, that I am actually more ‘habitually’ introverted than ‘naturally’ introverted.
It has been an interesting week. My good trans-friend has been spending a week with her family where she grew up. I spend a great deal of time with her so I expected that this long weekend would have been an ‘introvert’ weekend. I had plans to see my ex once and go out with another friend for dinner – but otherwise I would have had the weekend to myself.
It hasn’t turned out that way.
Since my trans-friend is on vacation I have been looking after her cat while my ex has been looking after my cat for me (a much better solution than putting her cat in a kennel for a week – I have really enjoyed getting to know ‘Verity’). My ex was having some troubles with my cat so I found myself visiting her more often than I expected. And, since she is going out of town overnight today, I will be dropping by her place to give my cat some company this afternoon too. All that to say that my ‘quiet’ weekend turned out to be anything but.
And I haven’t minded it one bit!
I had one full day to myself (a pyjama day!) and it was great! It gave me time to do all the chores I had been putting off. By the end of the day though, I was really looking forward to talking to someone.
And that’s the difference.
I used to be very content to do things by myself to the extent that I think I actually shunned company and ‘interruptions’.
I am still happy to have days to myself – I do enjoy my own company – but I find I look forward to sharing my thoughts, my feelings and my experiences much more than I ever used to.
I remember going deep into myself as a very young child – around about the same time I realized that my ‘natural inclinations’ were opposite to what they ‘should’ have been. I buried myself in books or took long walks and bike-rides alone.
I didn’t develop very good social skills because I always had to second guess myself. My social skills were really limited to what I needed to survive at school or work.
Since I have transitioned I usually don’t hesitate to express myself as often and I find that when I do second guess myself I make social gaffes (that was a very unusual thing for a woman to say or do…).
These days when I feel that I am climbing back into myself, for whatever reason, I force myself to stop and question why I am doing it (and I am often embarrassed by the reason).
I don’t need to hide from myself anymore.
I don’t need to hide myself from the world anymore.
Being introverted was a crutch I used to deal with a world which wanted me to be something I wasn’t.
Now that I have allowed myself to be who I always knew I was I don’t need to hide myself away in a cave anymore.
I need to get out in the sun and grow!
I will still need downtime now and then but it is time for me to explore the world and my life to my fullest potential!!
It is time for this butterfly to take wing and…
FLY!!!!
Old habits die hard but my ‘introversion’ is one that needs to be nailed tightly into a coffin and buried!!!
Love,
Marybeth
Being Kind September 27, 2009
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, friends, reflection, transition, transsexual.2 comments
Sunday, Sept 27th 7:12 pm
Good evening everyone!
It has been a rainy cool day today and that is kind of the mood I am in right now as I type.
I had an interesting talk and an interesting afternoon with a friend today – it left me with much to think about.
As of today I have been living full time for five months and I have been on hormones for about a year and a half (give or take…). It has also been about a year now that I have been living apart from my ex-wife and we’ve been divorced now for almost two months.
A lot of dates, a lot of milestones, a lot of progress towards my goals.
The week was interesting in that I took a couple of days off work to drive a friend to Toronto so that I could be there to support her through a stressful appointment she had.
I keep thinking that I am doing the ‘right thing’ when I help my friends out in situations where they don’t have the resources or they simply need someone to lean on but the conversation I had with my friend made me think that maybe I am not doing the things I do for others for especially ‘selfless’ reasons.
I think I am doing the things I do because helping people with their problems is so much easier that dealing with my own problems.
I have always thought of myself as an independent self sufficient person but I think the reality is that I have fooled myself (and others maybe (maybe not?)) into believing that.
I am starting to think that I have swept many of my issues under the carpet.
Avoiding the problems isn’t the same as dealing with them.
And I am not dealing with my problems when I help other people out with their issues so that I don’t have to face my own demons.
One way to think about it is that I would rather help other people with their issues because they know what they want but I don’t deal with my own issues because I don’t really know where to start. This can be applied at a small scale (shopping) or at a big scale (life).
It also comes from low self esteem – my problems aren’t really that important (I will suffer in silence…) – some one else’s need always trumps my own.
As I’ve written before I’ve lived most of my life trying to live up to what I imagined the expectations of others were. I felt that what I thought their expectations were were more important that my own expectations. It was only when I starting taking my own expectations of life seriously (what would I regret if I died tomorrow?) that I made the decision to transition and even then I have tried very hard not to ‘disappoint’ anyone.
Now that I am in the process of addressing such a fundamental part of my existence – my gender. I think that now might be a good time to address the other issues in my life.
I have addressed one issue but the central issue is still there – I still try to please others so that I can avoid dealing with my own problems.
I help others but I still feel frustrated because my own problems remain. At times my frustration at my inability to deal with my problems comes out and the people I am ‘helping’ feel attacked because I helped them.
I have made a great deal of progress in my transition and I am very happy about that.
It is now time to tackle all those other problems that I have hidden under the carpet for so long.
I can still help people but I need to be helping them for the right reason – out of love not avoidance.
I need to start being kind to myself so that I can be truly kind to others.
Love,
Marybeth
A Work in Progress… September 13, 2009
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, friends, transition, transsexual.add a comment
Sunday, September 13th 10:13 am
Good morning everyone! It is cool and windy here today – fall is definitely in the air!
I am seriously falling under the spell of good home brewed coffee again. I decided to grind some beans (in my new coffee grinder!) and make a full pot of french press coffee and, compared to the Keurig cups that I have been drinking (which are very good), this coffee is on another plane altogether. There is nothing like the taste of a full-bodied mellow cup of coffee for inspiration! (Late Sunday night update – good coffee bad effects, I liked the coffee so much I drank some of it iced later in the day and it got me so wired I found it tough to fall asleep! I think I need to set a limit of two cups per day!!).
It has been a bit of a busy weekend for me but not as busy nor as stressful as it has been for a friend of mine. I’ve been helping out my friend who has a sick cat. She has taken her into the vet twice this weekend and they haven’t been able to do anything for her – her fever is still quite high and she hasn’t been able to drink or eat on her own for almost three days. I pray that she gets better, my friend has really been much happier since she adopted her cat in May.
On a personal note, I started my morning exercise this week and I think that I can stick to it as I did before. It feels really good to get an hour of exercise done in the morning before I go to work. What really keeps me going though is that I get to listen to another few chapters of the audio book that I have on my i-pod – right now I am listening to Thunderbird Falls by C.E. Murphy – fun stuff!
I have also managed to put together a rudimentary budget to allow me to keep track of where my money is going and help me save up for my hair replacement and gender confirmation surgeries in the spring. The hair replacement surgery will be totally out of my pocket but I will get reimbursed for about two-thirds of my gender surgery – the problem is that I will have to have pay for it all up front and then wait a few months while my insurance claim is processed.
A friend of mine has the complete Buffy the Vampire Slayer series (and the spin-off Angel series too) on DVD so I have been watching that off and on. I am mid-way through season two and am really enjoying it – I would have loved to have gone through high school in my correct gender. I know high school (and puberty in general) is tough but try going through it in the wrong gender – very, very, very confusing….!
I managed to get a bunch of things off my chest last weekend (as the previous four entries attest to) so I don’t have much new to say this weekend. I am still working through all that those things I described.
My life is a work in progress and I am just trying to make the best of hand I’ve been dealt.
I’ve noticed that I focus way too much on my perceived deficiencies and don’t count the blessings that I have often enough – and I do have many!!
Transition is tough but things aren’t always as bleak as they seem.
I have to remember that!
Love,
Marybeth
Hope and Wonder September 4, 2009
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, family, friends, happiness, transition, transsexual.2 comments
September 4th 5:21 am
Good morning everyone!
It is a cool, sort of windy, quiet morning beautifully lit by a full (or almost full) moon!!
I can’t believe my luck actually. I enjoyed the sunset so much last night I thought I would come out on the balcony this morning for the sunrise and lo and behold – a full moon! September 4th is actually the night of the full moon but on the morning of the full moon it seems full enough to me!!
I love the moon. I value the moonshine more than I value sunshine because I get the chance to bathe in it (like I am this morning) much lot less often. I love it because I can stare directly at the moon and ponder its many mysteries. The way my building is positioned, I don’t get this oppourtunity very often so I feel very blessed this morning!!!!
It’s funny actually, I came out this morning with the intention of writing about how stressed I feel about everything right now and instead I am surprised by the blessing of a full moon.
In case I haven’t written this enough here – transition is tough. Extremely tough.
As I wrote yesterday, I am working really hard to be optimistic. I think with a few key resolutions, I can really make some positive changes in my life. I know that some of the most fundamental of those changes will be very uncomfortable and, in some cases, hurt a great deal.
I always fancied myself as a pretty independent person. I didn’t need anyone else’s help. I still believe that to a certain extent but in many ways, transitioning has made me feel very, vulnerable and often, very alone.
Transitioning has made me a stronger, happier person in so many, many ways – it has taken me out of my shell to an extent that many days I never want to be reminded of that shell ever again. But some days I just want to climb back into it and never talk to anyone ever again.
If I don’t talk to anyone I won’t have expectations of them and I won’t be disappointed.
If I don’t have any hopes I won’t be upset when they are crushed.
Transitioning is worth the (huge) risk to me because from the bottom of my soul I know it is my essential truth.
But just because it is the truth doesn’t mean that everyone I know or meet will be convinced and supportive.
Yesterday I had a ‘me’ day. I needed it. I stayed in my apartment and thought and wrote and thought some more. I felt safe and comfortable but by the end of the day I also felt depressed.
It was nice but ultimately maybe it wasn’t what I really needed. Maybe what I really needed to do was to get out of my apartment and think. Perhaps what I really needed to do was to go to a park with a notebook – not sit inside a small space and think myself into a depression.
Since I have transitioned I have had many very positive experiences with friends and family.
Since I have transitioned I have had many very negative experience with the very same people.
Who is to judge when a relationship becomes ‘unhelpful’?
I had a really bad phone call with my parents last night. They called me at the start of August and then didn’t call me again until the end of it. I felt forgotten and alone. Summer is a really tough time for me. I really wanted to be at the lake with them this summer but didn’t feel ready (actually I am really, really glad I didn’t go). When I didn’t hear from them for the whole month, I felt neglected – like I wasn’t important enough to them to be thought of and called. I didn’t feel like I was a part of their family.
Which is exactly how I felt the entire time I was growing up – so everything compounded and compounded until they finally got me on the phone last night and I found that I didn’t really want to talk to them, so I hung up. I didn’t want to talk with them because they really didn’t want to talk to me for essentially an entire month. I felt like the only reason they called me was that they felt an ‘obligation’ to me.
I don’t want to be anyone’s ‘obligation’.
I am not a charity case.
I want them to want to talk to me because I am someone they really want to talk to. Because they value my conversation and my friendship.
I suppose that is why I got depressed yesterday. I am not sure who is really my friend and who feels they have an ‘obligation’ to me – for whatever reason.
Since I have transitioned I have seen the best and the worst from people. I have seen friends disappear from my life and I have had to renegotiate my relationships with others. I am never sure who I can trust and who I can’t.
Who is really my friend and who isn’t.
Perhaps the only way to deal with the conundrum is to be the best person I can be and take my blessings as they come.
I am so happy I saw the sunset last night. It turned a depressing day into an inspirational one.
I am so happy that I saw the birth of a full moon this morning – it is an auspicious start to the day.
I suppose that is the real lesson here. If I remain true to myself the blessings will come.
Transition is a very, very tough path to follow but for me it is the only path I can follow – all the others I tried were dead ends.
Along the way I have had some very, very good experiences and some very, very bad experiences.
And I will as I go forward.
Blessings like last night and this morning are wondrous reminders of blissful days yet to come.
The moon has set, the sun has risen, a new day has begun.
Wish me luck!
Love,
Marybeth
Labour Day Resolutions! September 3, 2009
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, family, friends, happiness, health, learning, plans, transgender, transition, transsexual.2 comments
Thursday, September 3rd 4:41 am
Good morning everyone!
It is a cool, dark morning as I write from my bedroom overlooking the Ottawa river and the Champlain bridge. The weather has been near perfect from my point of view – relatively warm days (highs around 26 degrees Celsius) and relatively cool nights (lows around 9 degrees Celsius). So nice in fact that I decided at the last minute to take a few days off work this week to take advantage of the labour day weekend.
Since today is a day off and I woke up early from a very good sleep, I decided that I would write something in my blog – I can always nap later – I have the whole day to myself!! I have a wonderful chocolate mocha and a soy candle flickering by my side so everything is perfect!!
I sometimes wonder why everyone doesn’t just call a spade a spade and officially decide to move the start of the new year from January 1st to September 1st (or Labour day) where it belongs.
For me, the end of summer and the start of fall has always marked the end of the old and the start of the new. Kids are starting their new school years, adults are getting back to work after a summer break, Parliament and Congress start new sessions – all of which are merely interrupted by the Christmas / New Year’s celebrations. Practically, there is no contest on when the new year really begins.
All this to say that I think I would rather make my ‘new year’s resolutions’ on September 1st (or Labour Day) than on January 1st. Life goes through some subtle and not so subtle changes at the beginning of September – it just picks up from where it paused in January.
(About the only ‘New Years’ resolution that really makes sense in January is the diet and exercise one for obvious reasons…)
I have many ‘new leaves’ that I am going to turn over this ‘New Year’ and some of those are in recognition that since I am living full time now, some real changes in habit are necessary.
One of things I mentioned to a friend yesterday was that I wasn’t getting as much exercise as I had before I transitioned because I wasn’t walking as much as I did before. I have been steadily gaining weight ever since April despite doing some rollerblading this summer. I was stymied about why this was when my diet hasn’t really changed from before and then I realized that I don’t walk very much in my commutes anymore. Since I am wearing high heels to work in the morning – and, let’s face it, there is only so far you want to walk in those things – I have been using the bus stop that is the closest to my apartment and stopping at the bus stop closest to my work. I used to walk about a mile before, when I consciously got off the bus early because I enjoyed the morning walks. I will definitely have to resume the early morning cardio / yoga workouts that I was in the habit of doing before I had my scalp advancement surgery in the spring. It means getting up an hour or so earlier in the morning but that is relatively easy once I get back in the habit again.
Continuing in the health vein I am going to really watch my intake of stimulants/depressants. I have decided I will only drink coffee/tea and alcohol on the weekends. The only exception I will make is that I will allow myself green tea since I think the health benefits of the green tea more than balance out the caffeine risks.
Another health concern that I am going to address is my diet. One of the most important things that I am going to do is to stop my consumption of junk food. If I want a snack it will be nuts or fruit – no more candy, salty snacks or sugary beverages (although I will make an exception for fruit juices). Other than that I will have a big healthy breakfast, a reasonable lunch (a sandwich and a piece of fruit at work) and a salad for supper.
Socially is where I have the most room to grow. I want to spend more time with more people while leaving some time to myself to stay centered. I have to take more chances in my relationships and I have to be prepared to stand my ground in them too. For example, in some relationships it seems like I am the one chasing them all the time – I need to step back and stop calling them to see if they call me. It is the only way to be sure that I am not forcing myself on people who really don’t want my company. In one relationship I have, I called them on Tuesday at the start of the August and they returned the call on Thursday. Even though I thought about them a great deal and I wanted to call them, I didn’t. Then I received two messages from them, one on Monday and the the other on Tuesday this week (over three weeks later) – I still haven’t decided what I am going to do with this relationship. I know I need to learn to be more assertive and to value myself more so maybe what I will have to do is abandon those relationships where they think that no matter what they do, I’ll be there, eager as ever. Some life lessons are tough…
The final thing I will work on is my finances (though I know there is no end to the things I need to work on I want to focus on a few key things this fall). Since I am planning one and perhaps two operations this spring (hair replacement and SRS) I am going to have to watch how I spend my money and save a bunch so that I can afford them. To this end I am going to draft a budget and track my spending within my budget. When I reach my budgeted amount for entertainment or clothes or whatever, I won’t spend anymore for the month. I need to be very strict with this or I won’t have the money I need to pay for those life improvements.
So to recap my Labour Day resolutions:
1) Exercise six days a week one hour per day – yoga and stationary bike;
2) No stimulants or depressants during the week except green tea;
3) Watch my diet – no junk food, nutritious snacks only, a healthy breakfast, a reasonable lunch and a salad for supper;
4) Take more chances and be more honest about relationships; and
5) Take firm control of finances – make and follow a strict budget and save for my hair replacement and SRS in the spring.
Ahhh, I feel better already. If I can just follow through with these resolutions I am sure that my ‘New Year’ will be a success.
I will be a much healthier and happier person a year from now!!!
Wish me luck!!!
Love,
Marybeth
Change and Being August 2, 2009
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, friends, society, transgender, transition, transsexual, work.1 comment so far
Sunday, August 2nd 7:36 am
Good morning everyone!
It is soggy and rainy outside this morning. It was raining really hard last night – so hard that I could hear it through my closed windows while I slept!!
I am sitting in bed looking at the grey skies and drinking my mocha – the clouds are in so close that I can hardly see across to the other side of the river.
I’ve been thinking quite a bit about my transition this week. Time has gone by so quickly (pinch me it’s August!). It has now been three months since I transitioned to full time and I’ve accomplished so much.
I found myself slipping back into old habits a bit this week though.
One of the most interesting things I’ve discovered about transition is that the more I become myself, the more clearly I see my personal situation for what it is. Prior to my transition I compromised a great deal and accepted many half measures in my life.
Now that I am more fully myself I look around and sometimes I can’t believe the situations that I have ended up in.
My current job is one case in point. I am in an enviable position – I am employed in the public service. During a recession there really isn’t any better place to be – I am truly blessed. But the job I am in now is an almost daily exercise in frustration due to a few personalities that are in play. I put up with it prior to my transition because (I guess) I was dealing with so much other stuff. Since I have transitioned, I can see things more clearly and it is a bit depressing. I need to stay in this job until, at the very least, I have had my operation so I will just have to make the best of it.
In a similar vein, as I’ve written before, I see the relationships that I’ve had and am currently having in a new light. While it is convenient to say that I am basically the same person I was before I transitioned – it can also be very misleading. I am and I’m not. This fact has had a disruptive impact on many of my relationships lately. I get really uncomfortable when I feel ‘pressured’ to be the person I was before in any given social situation.
Transition to full time has been a very uplifting experience in many ways but it has also been a very ‘odd’ period of time for me too.
Now that I am truly myself all of the time I feel free and alive most of the time.
But there seems to be a few ‘anchors’ from my previous existence still weighing me down.
I will say again that I understand why some transsexuals leave the city where they existed before transition and move to a new place where no one knows them.
In some ways it might look like you are ‘running away’ from your past – not dealing with it.
But I question that now.
For me, it seems that there are too many opportunities to fall back into the ‘comfort’ zone where I existed unhappily before. In a new city I would, as a matter of course, reach out to new people and new experiences.
The old me is a shadow of the person I am now. We are the same person but as Aristotle said, the whole is greater than the sum of the parts.
I see things differently now than I did before. What worked for me before may or may not work for me now.
Transition for me is a process of discovering what fits and what doesn’t fit for me.
This week I became a bit depressed by the enormity of it all. I have to assert my new ‘whole’ self in my work, in my relationships with people who knew me before and in all the parts of my life. I can’t be afraid to try new things and experience life in ways that I didn’t before.
It is embarrassing to admit but, as a friend pointed out to me last night – I might be slipping back into my old coping mechanisms to avoid dealing with my problems. I had a beer yesterday afternoon and then passed out on my futon. It didn’t solve any problems and, since alcohol is a depressant, it may have compounded the feelings I was having. Instead of having a beer in my apartment I should have gone out and done something productive and social.
I am (more than a little) superstitious, so I tend to see portent in some of the little things that happen to me from time to time. After a really good Chinese food meal on Friday night, the fortune cookie said – ‘It is time to make new friends’. I have thought about that a bit this weekend and I think that since I have transitioned, even old friends are new friends because I’ve changed so much. My old friends are, in reality, new friends because I have changed so fundamentally.
My reality has changed.
My expectations have changed.
My life has changed.
It is a new world in so many ways.
I can’t be afraid.
I need to get out and explore it!!
Love,
Marybeth
Becoming… July 19, 2009
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, family, friends, happiness, hormones, transgender, transition, transsexual.2 comments
Sunday, July 19th 7:22 am
Good morning everyone!
It is cool and cloudy outside on my balcony this morning. It seems much more like an autumn day than a summer one – I think it is around twelve degrees out here right now – cool – and windy too. But fear not, I have my wonderful cup of hot mocha by my side so I should be fortified well enough for my writing this morning!
I haven’t really decided what to write about this morning as there are so many things rushing around in my head. I can’t believe how quickly time has gone by for one. We’re already close to the end of July – amazing.
—
Good evening everyone! It is 6:18 pm now and the weather has changed to warm and sunny but there is still a cool breeze. I didn’t feel any real inspiration this morning so I stopped writing. Hopefully writing this evening will be a bit more successful.
This blog is meant to be an accurate reflection of how I’m feeling, the week I’ve had and any revelations that have occurred to me.
I am quite happy with some of the entries I’ve made – those ones seem to write themselves (I love my muse!) and others are more difficult to write because I don’t have one particular thought in mind prior to sitting down and typing.
As I wrote this morning, today is one of those days.
I am sitting out here in my deck chair staring across the Ottawa River towards the Gatineau Hills and all I can think about is how much I miss British Columbia and being at my parent’s place in the summer. I would love to be there right now but I know that I can’t risk it – it is far too early in my transition to return there.
The way I like to think about my transitioning process is that I am in the process of becoming a woman – like all woman do. As Simone de Beauvoir said – ‘One is not born a woman, one becomes one.’. Some of parts of being a woman are instinctual and other parts are learned – through observation, by listening to advice, through experimentation, by trusting oneself – overcoming our doubts and through the support of friends and family.
That is the principle reason I am not going back to B.C. this summer, really. If I went back now I am afraid that it would be too early. I am still too immature as a woman and too unsure of myself in too many ways. I do so want to fly but I am afraid I might crash if I go back too soon.
I have made so much progress over the past year – the past eight or nine months have been a blur. Things truly do happen when preparation meets opportunity (to paraphrase Seneca (isn’t the internet a truly wonderful thing – it is almost like I am ‘learned’!)). Moving out and starting my life anew was one of the toughest things I have ever had to do – yet if I hadn’t have done it I would have eventually succumbed to a deeper and deeper depression.
Transitioning has given me another chance to live a full life.
My boss commented to me this week that he thought it had taken me a lot of courage for me to transition and I looked at him and said ‘Not really, given the choices I had, transitioning was the only one I could have made.’.
And that is really what it comes down to.
If I hadn’t have transitioned … I don’t even want to think about it.
Yes, I won’t lie, transition can be difficult. It can be frustrating and it can lonely. But there truly are moments of great joy and happiness. Those moments happen so much more regularly now than they ever did before.
I suppose one way to think about it is to remember the awkwardness of puberty.
For me puberty wasn’t so much awkward as it was disappointing. I didn’t feel the same way as my friends about the things they were going through – so I had to fake it (poorly as it turned out… but that’s another story for another time…).
Transitioning for me is like going through the puberty I should have had – at forty-one years old. All the self-image issues, the lack of confidence and the learning.
My real puberty has finally arrived – but, better late than never!
The hormones rushing through my body are doing their job, physically and emotionally – I am a much different person than I was a year ago. I don’t need to visit the amusement park to ride the roller-coaster I spend too much time on one as it is!!
Things have been getting calmer lately and I am beginning to feel much more confident than I have ever felt before but there are still moments when the fireworks start and I get dazzled.
I will go back and visit my family because I love them dearly.
But I will go back when I am more comfortable and I know myself better.
I am so happy – I am finally becoming!!
And for that I am so, so grateful!!!!
Love,
Marybeth
Finding Freedom… July 12, 2009
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, family, friends, transgender, transsexual.add a comment
Sunday, July 12th 10:40 am
Good morning everyone! It is overcast and relatively cool outside this morning. Compared to the ‘severe thunderstorms’ of yesterday, today is calm and relaxing.
It has been an interesting week – things never seem to be ‘boring’ for me anymore. In fact, I am starting to realize that perhaps I need to have more time to myself just to take better stock of everything and to work more effectively towards ensuring that the foundations of my new life are as solid as they can be. This will help make me a better person and a better friend.
I got the first real taste of just how ‘shaky’ my foundation truly is when I had an experience with a friend in which I had scheduled things a little too tightly on one of my days off. I was rushing from place to place and she felt pressured by my tight schedule, so our plans fell through at the last moment, leaving a sour taste in both our mouths. We didn’t speak for a couple of days after that.
Though I’ve written about it before, I think I am finally beginning to understand just how tightly wound I have been for most of my life.
Very early on I decided that to be comfortable, I needed predictability. Predictability gave me a comfort zone – the best way to ensure there were ‘no surprises’ was to (over) schedule things.
My desire for predictability and comfort was also reflected in the difficulty I had in making choices – I was and still am to some extent, a procrastinator. I was literally afraid that something ‘new’ might upset the delicate balance of my ‘comfort’. Sometimes the procrastination worked to my advantage and at others it blew up in my face.
The more I think about how ‘safe’ I liked everything to be and how much of a procrastinator I was, the more I realize that it was/is ultimately all about control.
Why control?
As an ‘in-the-closet’ transsexual I had to very carefully monitor and control every aspect of my life. Fundamentally I had to control myself – my natural impulses and motivations.
What I didn’t realize was that my desire for safety and therefore, my need for control, affected other parts of my life too. To be truly safe, it wasn’t sufficient to just control myself – I had to control every aspect of every situation which meant I felt I had to control others as well.
For me control wasn’t about power over other people, it was about concealing my ‘ugly’ secret – it was about protecting myself.
The desire to protect myself took a toll on me and my relationships over the years to the point where I just couldn’t relax and others couldn’t relax around me. I couldn’t relax because I was concerned about my ‘performance’ of masculinity and my friends couldn’t relax around me because they saw how uncomfortable I was. I had impossible expectations for myself and for those around me. They wondered why I seemed to be unhappy and, sometimes, they blamed it on themselves.
Transition is a learning process and it is only because I’ve transitioned that I am now realizing how much of a toxic effect the need to ‘control’ has had in my life.
Transition has given me the opportunity to just be myself – unfiltered – I really don’t have anything to hide anymore. I love how my body is changing – I don’t need to be ashamed of it anymore. I can trust myself now – I can let my emotions show. I know now that if I don’t want to do something at a certain time because it just doesn’t feel right – I shouldn’t do it – I can trust my instincts. In the same way shouldn’t be afraid of unfamiliar situations – I can just react naturally.
I can be myself and I can just let others be themselves too.
No expectations.
No control.
The problem I am having is that, even knowing and understanding all of this, after so many years the need to control myself and, to a certain extent, others still remains.
Old habits are hard to break.
I need to do what feels right for me and let others do the same for themselves – period.
While it may seem like a simple lesson, it is one that I am still in the process of learning.
For too many years I’ve suffocated under a self-imposed tyranny of how I thought I had to act to be safe.
And for too many years I’ve imposed my expectations on others.
For the first time I can finally just relax and be.
This weekend was the first step in that journey and it has been very fulfilling.
I can only pray that I have the willpower to not slip into old habits and begin ‘winding’ myself up again.
It feels good to be free!
Love,
Marybeth
Focus and Being June 28, 2009
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, appearance, differences, friends, happiness, hormones, reflection, transgender, transition, transsexual.add a comment
Sunday, June 28th 12:02 pm
Good afternoon everyone!!
It is a warm and humid day out today but, thankfully, I am safely ensconced in my air conditioned bedroom. I do have a cup of mocha to keep me inspired and there is the ever present view of the Gatineau hills that I treasure so much…
Mocha – I haven’t really been drinking coffee since the middle of January. It is my way of showing self discipline – I figure if I can cut coffee out of my life for any period of time, then I’ve really accomplished something!
I guess for me though, focussing on the right thing has always been a problem.
Right now, I really need to focus on becoming myself independent of who and what everyone else thinks I should be. Who cares what society thinks I should be? Who cares what my friends think I should be? Who cares what my family thinks I should be?
I do.
I did.
I am changing.
I am having a really tough time breaking old habits.
I want to be my own person.
I guess that means that I will have to trust myself and accept that I will ‘lose sight of land’ for quite some time.
It has been a really tough week for me personally. I have been on an emotional roller-coaster.
Sometimes I enjoy being around people and other times I don’t enjoy it all.
Sometimes I find that the people I am around or talking to raise my self-esteem and other times I can feel it crashing into the ground.
Is this because of hormones? Maybe.
Is this because I’m in a fragile place in my transition? Maybe.
I am really just trying to maintain the strength to ‘be myself’.
I don’t want to be in situations where I find it difficult to be myself.
I want to be accepted as who I am not who I was or what others expect me to be.
I need to concentrate on friendships that nurture and support the newly emerging me.
I often find it too easy to slip into my old ‘role’.
I think this will most certainly mean that I will have to ‘chart a new course’. Try new things. Be experimental. Be daring.
I really, really want to hang on to the best parts of my old life but I know that I can’t do that at the expense of ‘me’.
I think I understand why some transwomen leave the place where they were living as men and start their new lives in new places. It gives them the opportunity to redefine themselves unencumbered by old expectations and un-tempted by the ‘comfort’ of their old ‘role’.
As a transsexual I am and always will be a ‘hybrid’. Because I was born male there are so many ‘bits’ of me that remain very male-like despite the hormones and the anti-androgens. Electrolysis has helped with some of the hair but for other parts of my body I will always be shaving – forever. My skeletal structure will always be very male – there is nothing I can do about that – my hands, my shoulders, my legs, my feet will remain as they are. Over the next few years (it takes a full five years for hormones to completely work their magic) my male parts may become more feminine looking – my quite male muscular legs may thin out a bit and become more feminine in appearance for example. As a man my body was quite masculine so as a woman the edges may become softer but I will always be slightly ‘different’.
But then again I am used to that.
I have always lived on the outside looking in.
I guess the difference now is that I am much happier with myself, despite my numerous imperfections.
I expect that, at different times, this summer will be tremendously joyous for me.
I expect that, at different times, this summer will be tremendously anguishing for me.
Redefining yourself at forty-one years of age is … an incredible opportunity.
(But sometimes it feels like an awful curse.)
As I wrote last week, I am an earth monkey and a Taurus. Earth and Taurus give me persistence and dependability and Monkey gives me adaptability. I think these traits ring true for me personally. Monkeys are also supposed to be highly sociable but it has only been since I’ve transitioned that I am beginning to understand how important people are in my life. I just have to learn how to deal with people so I have positive experiences – not negative ones.
I was a loner for most of my life but since I’ve transitioned, I don’t think I can handle that kind of isolation any more.
I have made many mistakes (my over-reaction to a relatively minor incident at a friends place a few weeks back which resulted in her refusing to allow me to visit her place anymore is an example of that) and I know I will make many more as I struggle to truly ‘find’ myself.
But this summer should be tremendously exciting for me no matter what happens.
It isn’t everyone that gets the chance to start living their life authentically at forty-one.
With the right focus, I know I will make the most of mine!!
Love,
Marybeth
Summer Solstice and Rebirth June 21, 2009
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, friends, plans, solstice, transsexual.add a comment
Sunday, June 21st 5:44 am
Good morning everyone!!
Happy Summer Solstice!!!
Today is the first day of summer and the longest day of the year! What a great day for a celebration!!
As I become more in tune with myself I am also trying to become more in tune with nature and the changing of the seasons is an important part of it. I have decided to celebrate all the equinoxes and solstices in the same way I’d celebrate any of the major Christian holidays. This shouldn’t be too difficult since two of the major holidays are already at roughly the same times – Christmas for winter solstice and Easter for spring equinox. In Canada we celebrate our Thanksgiving a few weeks following the fall equinox but there is really no equivalent holiday for summer solstice (unless you are someone who celebrates Midsummer’s eve).
I did some research on summer solstice and it turns out that midsummer was thought to be a magical time with druids referring to the day as a ‘wedding between heaven and earth’ (hence all the June weddings). This is really neat for me because I am a Taurus (a feminine earth sign) and an Earth Monkey. Today is a magical day for me!!!
(The hot chocolate this morning is excellent by the way!!)
This summer should be really interesting for me. I think I will start going to church regularly (there is an Affirming Congregation (http://www.affirmunited.ca/) of the United Church nearby), maybe start a yoga class (something I’ve always wanted to get more serious about) and start going out and doing more things on my own (as a single female!). I am also really interested in doing more needlepoint (my mom taught me how to cross-stitch when she visited in April), getting more serious about cooking (and then I can invite friends over to sample my creations!) and I want to take a stab at writing some fiction (short stories to begin with). Being out on my own will build my confidence and help me define the woman I am becoming.
Sometimes growing can be painful but I am sure it will be worth it.
It is going to be a rainy day today so I am glad that I got my weekend exercise in yesterday (I really wanted to go today too but rollerblading on wet pavement is suicidal at my skill level!!). My plan for today is to cook a ‘rosé’ risotto (I know the recipe calls for white wine but all I have is a nice rosé), sampling some of the rosé along the way and to think about how I will spend the summer this year. If I have the energy I may also make up a batch of chocolate shortbread and bring it into work as I promised a couple of weeks ago. I will probably also be reading ‘Dead as a Doornail’ the next book in my current Sookie Stackhouse addiction!!!
Have a great Solstice everyone!!
Happy first day of summer!!!!!!
Love,
Marybeth
I Guess… June 17, 2009
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, differences, friends, reflection.add a comment
Wednesday, June 17th 12:30 am
Wow, what an evening – I need to write… Maybe writing a poem might help?
**************
I Guess…
You were.
I was.
We were.
I am.
You are.
I guess…
I always knew,
I wasn’t
Nice enough,
Passable enough,
Patient enough,
Kind enough,
Supportive enough.
I guess…
Friendships are
Then aren’t.
It takes more than
Good intentions,
A shoulder to cry on,
A helping hand,
A sympathetic ear,
Love,
To have a healthy friendship.
I guess…
I tried,
Too hard.
I wanted,
Too much.
I cared,
Too intensely.
I guess…
Sometimes friendships,
Are like mirages,
Focus too intently,
And they disappear.
No matter how much,
I hoped,
I believed,
I persevered.
It was
An illusion.
I guess…
You were.
I was.
(Not ready…).
We were.
(Too different…).
I am.
(So sad…).
You are.
I guess…
**************
Well, I think I feel – a bit – better… I hope I’ll be able sleep now?
It’s too cryptic? Maybe I’ll try to share more when I can…
Love,
Marybeth
I’m Worth It! June 14, 2009
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, family, friends, future, happiness, learning, love, transgender, transition, transsexual, work.2 comments
Sunday, June 14th 8:14 pm
Good evening everyone!!
What a great weekend I just had!!!
After working overtime on Friday, I went to a great restaurant (The Whalesbone in Ottawa) for dinner with a friend and few of her other friends and then I went over to visit a friend and an acquaintance for a glass of wine and good conversation. On Saturday I went rollerblading with a good friend and then she invited me over to her place for some barbequed steaks. That evening I joined her and her best friend for a drink and nachos! Today I did my chores, went rollerblading again, relaxed and read most of the third volume in the Sookie Stackhouse series by Charlaine Harris – ‘Club Dead’. I also spent some quality time with my cat ‘Lily’.
As my life gets closer to being normal I am starting feel more confident and more myself than I have ever felt before.
Which isn’t to say that I don’t have the occassional depressing day when I don’t feel confident at all it is just that my first thought isn’t ‘I need a drink’ or ‘I just want to play a computer game’. I think I am getting better at recognizing and dealing with my melancholy moments when they occur.
I really think that I am getting to know myself better than I ever have before.
And the more I get to know myself, the more I am liking myself.
I think that the next few years will be full of moments like that – from a life based on one essential dishonesty to one base on total self acceptance.
My first goal is to be able to say, honestly, that I love myself.
Once I do that then I will be able to trust myself more instead of second-guessing my decisions all the time.
I will be more self-confident.
As my self-confidence increases I will have the strength to be more assertive.
With more assertiveness will come more more self respect.
It is a long process – from self acceptance to love to trust to self-confidence to assertiveness and then to self-respect but it is an essential journey in which every step is as important as the next.
I know that I have flaws (or maybe a better term is challenges?) – we all do – but I am learning not to dwell on them I am accepting them. I acknowledge them and I will work to improve myself but I won’t let them stop me from being happy.
For so many years I didn’t love myself but now that I am whole and accepting of my personal challenges I am finding that I am beginning to. What a great feeling!!
What has made all this possible? Going full-time really helped but what has made it a reality is the support of my family, my friends and my co-workers. Without them I would probably still be in the self-doubt phase.
It is a life long journey founded on self acceptance and love.
I know that it won’t be easy – sometimes I do find myself slipping back into self doubt and depression but I don’t let it beat me anymore.
I fight back!!
Because I am starting to believe that I am really am worth it!
Thank you everyone!!
Love,
Marybeth
ps. I came across this really neat quote today:
He who postpones the hour of living is like the rustic who waits for the river to run out before he crosses. -Horace, poet and satirist (65-8 BCE)
It’s My Life June 7, 2009
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, friends, love, resolve, sexuality, transgender, transition, transsexual, work.2 comments
Sunday, June 7th 5:16 am
Good morning everyone!
First, I must apologize, to those who regularly read my blog and to myself, for skipping writing an entry last week.
No excuse.
It was a rather eventful weekend, and the previous week was a somewhat interesting week too but really, the less said about both the better.
I am at a stage in my life where I am really trying, more than ever, to understand where I fit in.
The transition to full time was a watershed moment for me. It is and has been everything I ever hoped it would be.
I am moving away from seeing myself as two different people. I am starting to see myself as just one – whole – person. It truly is such an empowering feeling.
It certainly hasn’t been easy nor, I now realize, is transitioning to full time a kind of magic cure for everything.
The way I am beginning to see it, is that transitioning to full time, for me at least, was like staunching the wound. Now that the bleeding is taking care of, my soul can start to heal.
And, I realize, I have a lot of healing to do.
Being transsexual, being ashamed of who / what I was led me to hide myself from the world.
I participated only as much as I needed to.
I shared myself only as much as I felt was safe.
I escaped into solitary pass times as much as I could – I estranged myself from society.
Now that I am full time, I engage with the world much more easily – I am fully myself, I give of myself fully.
I talk to strangers, start conversations in elevators, go out more and do more things.
I love it but in many ways it is like I am ‘restarting’ my life from the same point when I decided to hide myself.
Outwardly I am a forty-one year old woman but socially I am perhaps ten or eleven. I am learning as quickly as I can but I still make mistakes and feel awkward, often.
My life now has so many possibilities – possibilities that don’t begin and end with drinking and playing a new computer game.
In fact, if anything I have been so exuberant in my new feelings of sociability that I have, to some extent neglected giving myself enough downtime – enough ‘me’ time.
I am committed to being social, to maintaining my current friendships and acquaintances and also to meeting new people but I am finding that I need to have a balance in my life or things get kind of crazy.
And that, really, is why I missed last week’s entry and why the previous week’s entry was so cryptic.
Things got kind of crazy.
What happened?
I think the closest analogy I can come up with is ‘whiplash’.
The bleeding has stopped, the adrenaline rush is over and now I am slowly beginning to examine and understand the extent of my injuries.
Of all the injuries I think my repressed sexuality is the worst of them. Sexuality is such an integral part of everyone’s life. It may not be the most important part but it is an essential part. For years I didn’t really have one because I repressed it – now I do – WOW!
I notice men, I fantasize about men and I dream about men – WOW!
But I am nowhere near ready to deal with them in any capacity except as acquaintances. Why not? Well, there is the obvious plumbing issue but there is also my second (or maybe it is tied for first?) biggest injury – the damage that hiding myself has done to my self-esteem.
Work-wise I can handle myself socially and professionally quite well. In my personal life, in some cases, I don’t do very well at all. In many ways I am like that unpopular girl in school who always tried too hard to be liked. I am continuing the bad habit that I had when I was hiding from myself – I am trying to conform to other people’s expectations instead of standing on my own two feet and defining myself. To have healthy friendships I can’t be so dependent on them. I have to learn who I am and, first and foremost, be true to myself.
Getting rid of my repressions and building my self-esteem back up are the two most important things I can do right now.
I am finally who I’ve known myself to be my entire life.
That was a big step.
I am now taking all those little steps that I need to take to become a whole independent person.
I know it won’t be easy.
I know that there will be many set backs.
But I know I can’t ignore it either.
It is my life.
Love,
Marybeth
A New Format So I Don’t Go Crazy!! May 24, 2009
Posted by Marybeth in friends, future, transgender, transsexual.add a comment
Sunday, May 24th 6:24 am
Good morning everyone!
This morning I feel wiped out. It was a bit of a busy week and I have had a great deal on my mind (see the poem below…).
I also think that I will start to change the nature of my blog entries a bit. I had been writing every Sunday about the thoughts and challenges of my transition but today I couldn’t think of anything uniquely ‘this week’ to add to what I’ve already written over the past few weeks / months. So, rather than think way too hard about things I’ll just report on my week and, if I have made any progress or come up with some brilliant new theories, I will add them in. To paraphrase or add to the words of a great thinker (Socrates I think…) – ‘An unexamined life isn’t worth living’ but an overexamined life can make you crazy!!!
I took my cat Lily into the veterinarian and it turned out she had an upper respiratory infection that she needed to be fed antibiotics for. The initial treatment that was suggested had me wrapping her in a blanket and force feeding her a pill and then forcing her to drink 10 ml of water through a syringe. I tried that for three days until I had to ask them for another option – trying to feed a cat anything they don’t want makes them very temperamental (in a scratching and biting kind of way). I took her in yesterday to get her an injection that should clear up her problem (fingers crossed!).
Added to the complications was the fact that I didn’t have a car this week because I had to take it to an auto-body repair shop to get a bit of a fender-bender fixed up. It is all done now so I am very happy!
I also had dinner with a former work colleague who wanted to meet me again (it went great!!) and had a great weekend with a good friend (a pedicure and we saw Terminator Salvation (a fun popcorn flick – 3.5 stars!)).
And, since last week was Victoria Day I gave myself a whole day to read!! I was hooked on Cathy Lamb’s ‘Julia’s Chocolates’ so I decided to finish it – what a great book!! And now I’ve started her second book ‘The Last Time I Was Me’ – and I’m hooked again!!
All in all a busy week in my increasingly (it seems…) busy life!!
Love,
Marybeth
