Relationships, Mistakes and Being True October 6, 2009
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, forgiveness, future, happiness, past, present, transition, transsexual.3 comments
Tuesday, October 6th 12:41 am
Good morning everyone!
It is late at night and I can’t sleep so I thought I would write something in my journal to get my feelings out of my head and down somewhere where I can deal with them.
I am having friendship difficulties again.
A close friend and I had an argument last night.
I am not sure that I have ever even had a friendship / relationship that I haven’t ruined because I imagined some sort of unreasonable obligation or had impossible expectations.
My friendships / relationships begin promisingly enough. I know I am a good listener, patient and generous with my time.
I see the best qualities in people because that is what I want to see and I am willfully blind of my own faults.
I want to make people happy so very often I see obligations or impose expectations on myself and others where they don’t exist.
I tried to make my parents happy by being what they wanted me to be. They had expectations that I knew I could never meet.
False family relations based on expectations that have been shattered by my transition.
I tried to make all the girls I ever knew happy by being what they wanted me to be. Even though I knew, deep down, those relationships would never progress beyond friendship.
False friendships based on the expectation of something I couldn’t provide.
I tried to convince all my male friends that I was just as ‘manly’ as they were by drinking too much and trying to fit in even though I was never very comfortable around them. What if they ever found out who / what I really was?
False friendships based on a comic book characterization of the man that I tried to be.
I went into counselling over five years ago to understand myself better. All I have ever wanted was to be a girl so my counselling sessions focussed on understanding that better and trying to convince myself that it wasn’t a deviant / horrible thing. Once I had accepted myself, I tried to save my existing relationships (marriage, job, etc…) so I put off going on hormones for years. Once I went on hormones my marriage dissolved and I was on my own.
A false marriage based on me trying to be a ‘husband’ that, deep down I knew I could never be.
For the first time in my life I am finally discovering who I was and who I really am but, aside from about five blissful years that I didn’t know I shouldn’t be the person I am, I don’t have much practice actually being me.
And I am making so many mistakes.
Everyone says that going through transition is like being a teenaged girl.
Except that for me, I so forcefully repressed who I was from such a young age, transition is like going from age six to age forty-one in less than a year.
I left my ex-wife just under a year ago to live on my own as a transsexual woman.
To say that this past year has been a colossal learning curve for me is a huge understatement.
I have made so many mistakes.
I am learning what it is like to be me – the real me.
What kind of a person am I?
What kind of a sister, daughter, friend, lover, colleague am I or might I be?
It has been an extremely blissful and extremely harrowing year for me.
I have confided in people I shouldn’t have.
I have betrayed confidences I shouldn’t have.
I have leaned on people to the point they have broken because I was/am so unsure of myself.
How does a forty-one year old woman explain to people that she has the mindset of a schoolgirl because she is dealing with her emotions for the first time in her life and they are so, so overwhelming?!!
I still don’t know the answer to that one.
I am running, stumbling as well as I can through elementary school, junior high and high school.
I stare at my body and wish that it would fill out.
I try so hard to fit in.
I care so much.
I care too much.
I have made so many mistakes.
I lie in bed at night, awake, wondering what I did wrong yesterday.
I have come such a long way since I moved into my apartment all those months ago but I still have so many more years to go to fully become the person I am – the girl, the woman I tried to extinguish for so, so many years.
I want to be the best sister, daughter, friend, colleague I can be!!
But maybe that is the nub of the problem?
I can’t be ‘anything’ to anybody.
I can only be true to myself.
‘God grant me the serenity….’
And please forgive me for all the mistakes that I know I have made and will continue to make along the way…
Love,
Marybeth
Fog, Stress and Serenity October 4, 2009
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, happiness, transition, transsexual.add a comment
Sunday, October 4th 5:48 am
Good morning everyone!
It is cool, humid, dark and foggy this morning as I sit out on my balcony writing. I have a cup of hot freshly ground, french press coffee (a weekend treat!) by my side and, though the fog obscures it right now, there is a full moon shining down on me.
I am up early this morning because I saw the moonlight shining through my window when I opened my eyes briefly to greet my already awake cat. I was initially annoyed at being woken up so early on the weekend but then I saw the moonlight and had to get outside to greet it.
I have been battling low energy lately due (I think) to the change in seasons here. I’ve never felt a seasonal change so profoundly as I am this year. It may be the hormones I am on or it may be the clothes I am wearing. Women’s clothes tend to be much more comfortable and lighter than men’s clothes so you have to wear more layers if you want to stay warm!
One of the most interesting things about transition I have discovered (so far) is that the very doing of it has forced me to question the many assumptions that I’ve had about my life until now. Until my transition I felt I was in the dutiful child / partner / friend / worker box. Having transitioned, I thought that I would naturally go back into those same boxes but it isn’t working out that way. Something fundamental has changed in each of those relationships and the way that I interact with the world.
I think that I see things more clearly now – as if the fog has lifted and I can see things for what they are in relation to me. I am much more aware of – and increasingly insistent on – what I want out of life. As with the decision to transition, I am learning to trust my intuition/instincts in any given situation and take action so that I am happy.
A trivial example of this happened yesterday when I tried to schedule another appointment with my electrolysis technician. I still have some facial hair that I need to get rid of so I go to see her every week. For the past month and a half or so I had been having misgivings about her attitude towards me and her care when she was doing my electrolysis so I was considering changing salons. I didn’t because I decided to ‘put up with it’ and continue on with her. I should have followed my instincts because yesterday when I wanted to schedule another session the following week, she couldn’t seem to find any time for me. Now I have to wait until two inconvenient times in November to use the last two sessions in the discount package I bought from this salon. No doubt those two sessions won’t be pleasant either.
Lesson learned (again…). It is better to take action than to stay in bad relationships and have things slowly deteriorate on their own.
It is a rather crucial life lesson that I am learning (far too slowly) somewhat late in life but better late than never.
As I write this I realize what I am really learning is how to practically apply the wisdom of the Serenity Prayer:
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
There are some situations that I can control quite easily (like my electrolysis) and others that I can’t.
I have put myself under so much unnecessary stress in my life because I’ve tried so hard to change things I can’t. Some thing’s are what they are and no matter what you do you and no matter how much you want them to change they won’t.
It has been a metaphor for my whole life.
I had a run in with a big rock when I was very young that cost me six stitches on my forehead.
I tried so hard to be a boy – but (like I knew right from the start) no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t do it.
I tried so hard to fit in to the military but (like I knew right from the start) it just wouldn’t work.
I have tried so hard in so many things that were just never going to work out for me and only ended up hurting myself and others in the attempts.
I really need to remind myself of the serenity prayer and look at my life so that I can wisely discern which things I need to change and which things I just need to accept and adapt to as best I can. Once I’ve done that I’ll be well on my way to happiness.
And a lot less stress.
And that, is a good thing!
The fog has lifted, the day has begun.
I never did see the full moon again once the fog had obscured it but the memory that shining beacon remains with me.
I know that as long as I remember the purity of its’ guiding light I will always be on the right path.
I will always be true to myself!
Serene.
Love,
Marybeth
Shining and True September 7, 2009
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, happiness, learning, transition, transsexual.1 comment so far
Monday, September 7th, 8:48 am
Good morning everyone!
Happy Labour Day!!!
It is hard to believe but summer is more or less over, not officially I guess, but practically.
It was one of the hardest summers I have ever had but also one of the summers that I felt I grew the most during. I would rank it right up there with the summer when I was seventeen and had to work a part-time job at McDonald’s while commuting back and forth to the lake and the next summer when I went through basic officer training in Chilliwack.
When I was working at McDonald’s I learned the lesson of sacrifice – it was hard work and I really wanted to be at the lake but I knew that working during the summer would give me spending money and really good work experience.
The lesson I learned at Chilliwack I have only realized in retrospect. It was one of the most soul destroying unhappy experiences of my life but I continued on towards graduation because I became the most stubborn -idiot- that I could possibly be. I wouldn’t let those dumbies beat me. I would pass their stupid course no matter what they did to me, no matter how much I had to compromise my own integrity. This idiotic performance was then repeated far too often over the next year – first during recruit term and then during first year at military college in Victoria.
The lesson I have learned in retrospect is not to let my stubbornness lead me in a direction I really don’t want to go. Succeeding at any cost isn’t really succeeding. I realize now they were trying to weed out the people who weren’t fit for a military life – they were trying to do me a favour! I wasn’t cut out for the military and they knew it – I knew it for God’s sake but my stubbornness and – lack of respect for myself – led me down an unhappy and horrifyingly bleak eight years in the military.
Being in the military went against every fibre of my being but because I was stubborn and wouldn’t let anything beat me I stayed.
And suffered.
I suffered because I was too embarrassed to let anyone see the shy, scared little girl that I really was. My stubbornness cost me so many, many years of honesty – with myself and with everyone else.
As I was dreaming last night – a typical military inspired nightmare (yes, I am still reliving those disappointing years in my dreams), I realized that even now I am not allowing myself to fully be.
I am still afraid to fully express myself.
I still haven’t fully let my guard down.
I have not yet allowed myself to totally relax and truly be.
This past weekend has been tremendously helpful to me. I have been able to sit back and think through many things that have been on my mind for too long.
I went out to for a drive and a dinner at nice Chinese restaurant with a friend yesterday – it was a wonderful day and a wonderful meal. I think I may have actually relaxed and had fun too.
I realized that everyone saw me as a woman and that I was the only one who wasn’t totally sure of myself.
I was the one holding myself back.
Once I decided that I wouldn’t question my ‘passability’ or legitimacy anymore and I just let myself be – I relaxed and really enjoyed myself.
Life is too short to limit my life due to my imagined expectations of other’s.
Life is too short to let my stubbornness sabotage my happiness.
I have sacrificed far too much to learn these lessons.
I need to stop tormenting myself.
I will let my guard down – completely.
And just let myself be.
Shining and true.
Unafraid.
Me.
Love,
Marybeth
Smile! September 6, 2009
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, family, happiness, plans, transition, transsexual.add a comment
Sunday, September 6th 8:40 am
Good morning everyone!
It is another really nice sunny day today! It is cool (11 degrees Celsius) with a bit of wind. The nights are fresh and the days are warm – very, very pleasant.
I can’t believe it is Sunday already! It has been a good long weekend so far though (well, with the exception of the family rift that seems to have opened up… – that hurts like heck but I try not to think about it too much).
On Friday I spent some time going over my income and expenses so I think I’ve got a pretty good handle on it now. I will spend some more time on it tomorrow to come up with a budget that I think I can live with. As I’ve written in earlier entries, now that the craziness of going full-time is over I have a pretty good idea of what my expenses are – and yes, it is much more expensive being a girl than being a guy but seriously, it is a heckuva a lot more fun!!
I had my hair and my electrolysis done yesterday, so I am smooth and well coiffed. Then I saw a movie and had some pizza with a friend last night.
Tomorrow I am planning on starting exercising again. I will do an hour of biking every morning (stationary bike in my apartment) and a half hour or so of yoga every evening, six days a week and see how that goes. I have been feeling kind of lethargic lately so I think exercise will help.
As for the family rift – I would love for it to disappear but being alone and independent is probably a good thing for me. Fewer people in my life means that I can focus more on myself and lord knows I need to! The resolutions I made were just a start, I am sure it is going to be very productive fall!
There is one thing I forgot when I wrote my resolutions though…
SMILE!!!
Love,
Marybeth
Hope and Wonder September 4, 2009
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, family, friends, happiness, transition, transsexual.2 comments
September 4th 5:21 am
Good morning everyone!
It is a cool, sort of windy, quiet morning beautifully lit by a full (or almost full) moon!!
I can’t believe my luck actually. I enjoyed the sunset so much last night I thought I would come out on the balcony this morning for the sunrise and lo and behold – a full moon! September 4th is actually the night of the full moon but on the morning of the full moon it seems full enough to me!!
I love the moon. I value the moonshine more than I value sunshine because I get the chance to bathe in it (like I am this morning) much lot less often. I love it because I can stare directly at the moon and ponder its many mysteries. The way my building is positioned, I don’t get this oppourtunity very often so I feel very blessed this morning!!!!
It’s funny actually, I came out this morning with the intention of writing about how stressed I feel about everything right now and instead I am surprised by the blessing of a full moon.
In case I haven’t written this enough here – transition is tough. Extremely tough.
As I wrote yesterday, I am working really hard to be optimistic. I think with a few key resolutions, I can really make some positive changes in my life. I know that some of the most fundamental of those changes will be very uncomfortable and, in some cases, hurt a great deal.
I always fancied myself as a pretty independent person. I didn’t need anyone else’s help. I still believe that to a certain extent but in many ways, transitioning has made me feel very, vulnerable and often, very alone.
Transitioning has made me a stronger, happier person in so many, many ways – it has taken me out of my shell to an extent that many days I never want to be reminded of that shell ever again. But some days I just want to climb back into it and never talk to anyone ever again.
If I don’t talk to anyone I won’t have expectations of them and I won’t be disappointed.
If I don’t have any hopes I won’t be upset when they are crushed.
Transitioning is worth the (huge) risk to me because from the bottom of my soul I know it is my essential truth.
But just because it is the truth doesn’t mean that everyone I know or meet will be convinced and supportive.
Yesterday I had a ‘me’ day. I needed it. I stayed in my apartment and thought and wrote and thought some more. I felt safe and comfortable but by the end of the day I also felt depressed.
It was nice but ultimately maybe it wasn’t what I really needed. Maybe what I really needed to do was to get out of my apartment and think. Perhaps what I really needed to do was to go to a park with a notebook – not sit inside a small space and think myself into a depression.
Since I have transitioned I have had many very positive experiences with friends and family.
Since I have transitioned I have had many very negative experience with the very same people.
Who is to judge when a relationship becomes ‘unhelpful’?
I had a really bad phone call with my parents last night. They called me at the start of August and then didn’t call me again until the end of it. I felt forgotten and alone. Summer is a really tough time for me. I really wanted to be at the lake with them this summer but didn’t feel ready (actually I am really, really glad I didn’t go). When I didn’t hear from them for the whole month, I felt neglected – like I wasn’t important enough to them to be thought of and called. I didn’t feel like I was a part of their family.
Which is exactly how I felt the entire time I was growing up – so everything compounded and compounded until they finally got me on the phone last night and I found that I didn’t really want to talk to them, so I hung up. I didn’t want to talk with them because they really didn’t want to talk to me for essentially an entire month. I felt like the only reason they called me was that they felt an ‘obligation’ to me.
I don’t want to be anyone’s ‘obligation’.
I am not a charity case.
I want them to want to talk to me because I am someone they really want to talk to. Because they value my conversation and my friendship.
I suppose that is why I got depressed yesterday. I am not sure who is really my friend and who feels they have an ‘obligation’ to me – for whatever reason.
Since I have transitioned I have seen the best and the worst from people. I have seen friends disappear from my life and I have had to renegotiate my relationships with others. I am never sure who I can trust and who I can’t.
Who is really my friend and who isn’t.
Perhaps the only way to deal with the conundrum is to be the best person I can be and take my blessings as they come.
I am so happy I saw the sunset last night. It turned a depressing day into an inspirational one.
I am so happy that I saw the birth of a full moon this morning – it is an auspicious start to the day.
I suppose that is the real lesson here. If I remain true to myself the blessings will come.
Transition is a very, very tough path to follow but for me it is the only path I can follow – all the others I tried were dead ends.
Along the way I have had some very, very good experiences and some very, very bad experiences.
And I will as I go forward.
Blessings like last night and this morning are wondrous reminders of blissful days yet to come.
The moon has set, the sun has risen, a new day has begun.
Wish me luck!
Love,
Marybeth
Labour Day Resolutions! September 3, 2009
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, family, friends, happiness, health, learning, plans, transgender, transition, transsexual.2 comments
Thursday, September 3rd 4:41 am
Good morning everyone!
It is a cool, dark morning as I write from my bedroom overlooking the Ottawa river and the Champlain bridge. The weather has been near perfect from my point of view – relatively warm days (highs around 26 degrees Celsius) and relatively cool nights (lows around 9 degrees Celsius). So nice in fact that I decided at the last minute to take a few days off work this week to take advantage of the labour day weekend.
Since today is a day off and I woke up early from a very good sleep, I decided that I would write something in my blog – I can always nap later – I have the whole day to myself!! I have a wonderful chocolate mocha and a soy candle flickering by my side so everything is perfect!!
I sometimes wonder why everyone doesn’t just call a spade a spade and officially decide to move the start of the new year from January 1st to September 1st (or Labour day) where it belongs.
For me, the end of summer and the start of fall has always marked the end of the old and the start of the new. Kids are starting their new school years, adults are getting back to work after a summer break, Parliament and Congress start new sessions – all of which are merely interrupted by the Christmas / New Year’s celebrations. Practically, there is no contest on when the new year really begins.
All this to say that I think I would rather make my ‘new year’s resolutions’ on September 1st (or Labour Day) than on January 1st. Life goes through some subtle and not so subtle changes at the beginning of September – it just picks up from where it paused in January.
(About the only ‘New Years’ resolution that really makes sense in January is the diet and exercise one for obvious reasons…)
I have many ‘new leaves’ that I am going to turn over this ‘New Year’ and some of those are in recognition that since I am living full time now, some real changes in habit are necessary.
One of things I mentioned to a friend yesterday was that I wasn’t getting as much exercise as I had before I transitioned because I wasn’t walking as much as I did before. I have been steadily gaining weight ever since April despite doing some rollerblading this summer. I was stymied about why this was when my diet hasn’t really changed from before and then I realized that I don’t walk very much in my commutes anymore. Since I am wearing high heels to work in the morning – and, let’s face it, there is only so far you want to walk in those things – I have been using the bus stop that is the closest to my apartment and stopping at the bus stop closest to my work. I used to walk about a mile before, when I consciously got off the bus early because I enjoyed the morning walks. I will definitely have to resume the early morning cardio / yoga workouts that I was in the habit of doing before I had my scalp advancement surgery in the spring. It means getting up an hour or so earlier in the morning but that is relatively easy once I get back in the habit again.
Continuing in the health vein I am going to really watch my intake of stimulants/depressants. I have decided I will only drink coffee/tea and alcohol on the weekends. The only exception I will make is that I will allow myself green tea since I think the health benefits of the green tea more than balance out the caffeine risks.
Another health concern that I am going to address is my diet. One of the most important things that I am going to do is to stop my consumption of junk food. If I want a snack it will be nuts or fruit – no more candy, salty snacks or sugary beverages (although I will make an exception for fruit juices). Other than that I will have a big healthy breakfast, a reasonable lunch (a sandwich and a piece of fruit at work) and a salad for supper.
Socially is where I have the most room to grow. I want to spend more time with more people while leaving some time to myself to stay centered. I have to take more chances in my relationships and I have to be prepared to stand my ground in them too. For example, in some relationships it seems like I am the one chasing them all the time – I need to step back and stop calling them to see if they call me. It is the only way to be sure that I am not forcing myself on people who really don’t want my company. In one relationship I have, I called them on Tuesday at the start of the August and they returned the call on Thursday. Even though I thought about them a great deal and I wanted to call them, I didn’t. Then I received two messages from them, one on Monday and the the other on Tuesday this week (over three weeks later) – I still haven’t decided what I am going to do with this relationship. I know I need to learn to be more assertive and to value myself more so maybe what I will have to do is abandon those relationships where they think that no matter what they do, I’ll be there, eager as ever. Some life lessons are tough…
The final thing I will work on is my finances (though I know there is no end to the things I need to work on I want to focus on a few key things this fall). Since I am planning one and perhaps two operations this spring (hair replacement and SRS) I am going to have to watch how I spend my money and save a bunch so that I can afford them. To this end I am going to draft a budget and track my spending within my budget. When I reach my budgeted amount for entertainment or clothes or whatever, I won’t spend anymore for the month. I need to be very strict with this or I won’t have the money I need to pay for those life improvements.
So to recap my Labour Day resolutions:
1) Exercise six days a week one hour per day – yoga and stationary bike;
2) No stimulants or depressants during the week except green tea;
3) Watch my diet – no junk food, nutritious snacks only, a healthy breakfast, a reasonable lunch and a salad for supper;
4) Take more chances and be more honest about relationships; and
5) Take firm control of finances – make and follow a strict budget and save for my hair replacement and SRS in the spring.
Ahhh, I feel better already. If I can just follow through with these resolutions I am sure that my ‘New Year’ will be a success.
I will be a much healthier and happier person a year from now!!!
Wish me luck!!!
Love,
Marybeth
Unanticipated Happiness August 9, 2009
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, happiness, past, present, reflection, society, transgender, transition, transsexual.add a comment
Sunday, August 9th 6:24 am
Good morning everyone! It is a relatively cool 15 degrees outside and it is supposed to be cloudy and rainy for the next two days. July was the rainiest month on record in Ottawa (235 mm or 9.3 inches!) and they say August is supposed to be the same so I guess I should keep my umbrella handy!
I have a scented candle lit and I am drinking a cup of ‘Rainforest Expresso’ courtesy of my new (gorgeous!) coffee maker. I can make myself a cup of coffee in three minutes – no muss, no fuss!! Here is a picture of the lovely new addition to my kitchen (a red Keurig B30 Single Cup pod coffee maker (http://www.timothys.ca/product_details.php?product_id=193)):
It is actually nice that it has been rainy – everything is so green this summer, there isn’t a burnt brown lawn in sight! There has also been enough sun that it hasn’t felt too depressing to me and, besides, I’m the kind of girl who doesn’t mind sitting inside with a good book (or five or ten…).
It has been a good summer for thinking and inevitably, somehow, I think of my transition. I feel so much more comfortable about almost everything since I have transitioned. Sure, some days are better than others, but I have never had so many experiences of unanticipated happiness.
Unanticipated happiness?
I am sitting in the bus going to or coming from work and all of a sudden I get a feeling of immense happiness and well being.
I am sitting at work staring at my computer screen and I suddenly get a big smile on my face.
I can be almost anywhere at any time and all of a sudden I just feel happy! And, no, there isn’t anyone special in my life, who, when I think of him, makes me smile (though I can’t wait for that to be the case one day…!). I haven’t won a lottery (well, I guess I did win a kind of a prize…). None of those things. It is just that for the first time the most essential thing in my life is right.
I am finally becoming the woman I have always known I am.
I was invited to a small gathering of trans-couples yesterday – married couples who have stayed together despite one of the partner’s transitioning. One couple had a son who was eight or nine years old and they recounted a story about how when they told him that his father was going to live as a woman from then on – one of the questions he had was – ‘That isn’t going to happen to me is it? ‘No’, they replied. ‘Good’, he said.
My response to that story was that it is a wonderful gift to be so sure and secure in your gender at such a young age.
It is something I never had the comfort of experiencing. I mean, I was sure that I was a girl at that age but I already knew enough not to be too forthcoming about it.
How I am feeling now must be how most ‘everyone else’ feels their entire lives.
What a wonderful sense of happiness and well being.
An inner sense of satisfaction.
Nothing to hide.
Only to be.
I am so thankful!!
I was on the phone with mom this week and she mentioned that many of the people whom I had spent my teenage summers with were back visiting the lake where my parents live. I have so many great memories of those summers but when I think of them now I can’t help but experience a pang or two of regret.
How much different it would have been to have lived those summers authentically, as I am now? To have been truly myself – to have been a teenage girl – all those summers ago.
I try not think about it because it makes me cry.
I am so happy I have finally transitioned.
I am so sad that it took me so long to have gathered up the courage to do it.
I will visit my parents at the lake next summer, after I am finally complete.
I can’t wait to dive into the lake and get an at least an inkling…
…of what might have been.
Love,
Marybeth
Becoming… July 19, 2009
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, family, friends, happiness, hormones, transgender, transition, transsexual.2 comments
Sunday, July 19th 7:22 am
Good morning everyone!
It is cool and cloudy outside on my balcony this morning. It seems much more like an autumn day than a summer one – I think it is around twelve degrees out here right now – cool – and windy too. But fear not, I have my wonderful cup of hot mocha by my side so I should be fortified well enough for my writing this morning!
I haven’t really decided what to write about this morning as there are so many things rushing around in my head. I can’t believe how quickly time has gone by for one. We’re already close to the end of July – amazing.
—
Good evening everyone! It is 6:18 pm now and the weather has changed to warm and sunny but there is still a cool breeze. I didn’t feel any real inspiration this morning so I stopped writing. Hopefully writing this evening will be a bit more successful.
This blog is meant to be an accurate reflection of how I’m feeling, the week I’ve had and any revelations that have occurred to me.
I am quite happy with some of the entries I’ve made – those ones seem to write themselves (I love my muse!) and others are more difficult to write because I don’t have one particular thought in mind prior to sitting down and typing.
As I wrote this morning, today is one of those days.
I am sitting out here in my deck chair staring across the Ottawa River towards the Gatineau Hills and all I can think about is how much I miss British Columbia and being at my parent’s place in the summer. I would love to be there right now but I know that I can’t risk it – it is far too early in my transition to return there.
The way I like to think about my transitioning process is that I am in the process of becoming a woman – like all woman do. As Simone de Beauvoir said – ‘One is not born a woman, one becomes one.’. Some of parts of being a woman are instinctual and other parts are learned – through observation, by listening to advice, through experimentation, by trusting oneself – overcoming our doubts and through the support of friends and family.
That is the principle reason I am not going back to B.C. this summer, really. If I went back now I am afraid that it would be too early. I am still too immature as a woman and too unsure of myself in too many ways. I do so want to fly but I am afraid I might crash if I go back too soon.
I have made so much progress over the past year – the past eight or nine months have been a blur. Things truly do happen when preparation meets opportunity (to paraphrase Seneca (isn’t the internet a truly wonderful thing – it is almost like I am ‘learned’!)). Moving out and starting my life anew was one of the toughest things I have ever had to do – yet if I hadn’t have done it I would have eventually succumbed to a deeper and deeper depression.
Transitioning has given me another chance to live a full life.
My boss commented to me this week that he thought it had taken me a lot of courage for me to transition and I looked at him and said ‘Not really, given the choices I had, transitioning was the only one I could have made.’.
And that is really what it comes down to.
If I hadn’t have transitioned … I don’t even want to think about it.
Yes, I won’t lie, transition can be difficult. It can be frustrating and it can lonely. But there truly are moments of great joy and happiness. Those moments happen so much more regularly now than they ever did before.
I suppose one way to think about it is to remember the awkwardness of puberty.
For me puberty wasn’t so much awkward as it was disappointing. I didn’t feel the same way as my friends about the things they were going through – so I had to fake it (poorly as it turned out… but that’s another story for another time…).
Transitioning for me is like going through the puberty I should have had – at forty-one years old. All the self-image issues, the lack of confidence and the learning.
My real puberty has finally arrived – but, better late than never!
The hormones rushing through my body are doing their job, physically and emotionally – I am a much different person than I was a year ago. I don’t need to visit the amusement park to ride the roller-coaster I spend too much time on one as it is!!
Things have been getting calmer lately and I am beginning to feel much more confident than I have ever felt before but there are still moments when the fireworks start and I get dazzled.
I will go back and visit my family because I love them dearly.
But I will go back when I am more comfortable and I know myself better.
I am so happy – I am finally becoming!!
And for that I am so, so grateful!!!!
Love,
Marybeth
The Past has Passed July 5, 2009
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, future, happiness, past, reflection, society, survival, transgender, transsexual.add a comment
Sunday, July 5th 7:28 am
Good morning everyone!!
It is a cool (14 degrees Celsius – funny how everything is relative!) sunny morning today. I’ve got a cup of hot mocha by my side and my cat Lily is sitting next to the window, keeping guard over me as I write.
(belated) Happy Canada Day!!
(belated) Happy Independence Day!!
I thought that I should get those two in there, after all, it has been a week of celebrations!!
My week went well, busy, fun and relaxing at different times. I saw ‘Up’ on Sunday (very worth it – a wonderful movie!), went shopping with a friend on Monday (very successful and then we went to the Mandarin on Ogilvie – the best Chinese food in Ottawa!), hostessed a Canada day celebration for a friend (homemade seafood risotto, fresh lime magaritas and a great view of the amazing Parliament Hill fireworks from my balcony), had a great counselling appointment on Thursday (more on that later), spent a day off to read ‘The End of Mr. Y’ (a wonderful book – geek chick-lit!) and then enjoyed a pedicure and endured electrolysis on Saturday! Today I’ll probably go see a movie and then see my ex for a game of Scrabble. A very busy week but a heckuva a lot of fun. What was even better was that I took a couple of days off so I was able to sleep in on many of those days too!!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the most amazing thing about my transition so far is how much I’ve changed from a person who ‘just disappeared into the basement’ to a fully participative member of society. I just do more things with more people more often now. I still try to carve out my downtime but I find that I am energized by being out with people as much as when I am by myself with a good book these days. It is a really neat change and one that I am still adjusting to.
I really think that I am getting to a place in life where I am strong enough to dump all the destructive ‘baggage’ that I’ve been carrying around for far too long.
What baggage?
Well, those of you who have followed my blog (a decreasing number I imagine since I’ve been at this for almost three years now…) will know that I spent some time in the military, and not just the ‘vanilla’ military either – I went to a small military college (similar to Westpoint, Annapolis or any of the other military academies in the U.S.) on the West coast of Canada (which actually doesn’t exist anymore). There were approximately 230 cadets from all years. The initial basic training for officers (which I barely made it through…) followed by the year of hazing that is first year at military college had a huge impact on me. That followed by summers doing army training on the East coast of Canada, where again I barely made it through, and then, after graduation, four years of second-lieutenant ‘heck’ in the middle of the Canadian prairies, again surviving but never really fitting in – really left me a much different person than I was when I went in. I still have nightmares about that time in my life.
When I was finally able to call my parents during recruit term at military college (surreptitiously since recruits weren’t allowed phone privileges…), my mom told me to come home right away. I should have listened to her advice but I was too stubborn I guess. I should also have left after first year was done when we were allowed to without any strings attached. But, again I was too stubborn – I was too ‘proud’ of having made it through a very difficult process (by the time I graduated military college just over half of my entry class weren’t there).
I graduated and I did my four years of military service but I was very damaged in some ways when I finally left.
I didn’t fit in with the military and the more I tried to submerge my true self and try to fit in the more unhappy I became. No matter how much I tried to fit in people could always detect that there was something ‘odd’ about me and it made many people uncomfortable. I was picked on in almost every instance, my only respite was when there was someone more obviously ‘odder’ than I was, so they were picked on instead of me.
The most beautiful thing about transition is that I am the most comfortable I have ever been privately, in public – everywhere. There is nothing ‘odd’ about me anymore – I am a woman. I have always been a woman. Everything fits.
My therapist gave me some excellent advice when I saw her last Thursday and I brought up my military experience. She said that it happened over twenty years ago – move on. She said that I am happy now and I should just focus on being happy.
I am.
I will.
I guess that everyone lives with many could’ave, should’ave, would’aves – and I have mine. My advice to any transsexual who ever contemplates making themselves more masculine (or feminine) to ‘fit in’ is ‘Don’t Do It’. It just isn’t worth it – in any way.
The reason I bring all this ‘baggage’ up is that I had a dream earlier this week where I imagined that I ‘shrugged off’ a big heavy coat or backpack of some sort and the relief I felt was amazing!! The message for me was simple – I don’t need to carry it around with me anymore – it is over.
The past has passed.
After all these years,
I am finally myself.
I need to get out and enjoy the present and look forward to my wonderful future!!
With no regrets!!!
(and no excess baggage!)
Love,
Marybeth
ps. I think that my decisions to get rid of my ‘excess’ baggage has already shown some positive effects. I am finding that a good friend and I are getting along much better now!!
Focus and Being June 28, 2009
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, appearance, differences, friends, happiness, hormones, reflection, transgender, transition, transsexual.add a comment
Sunday, June 28th 12:02 pm
Good afternoon everyone!!
It is a warm and humid day out today but, thankfully, I am safely ensconced in my air conditioned bedroom. I do have a cup of mocha to keep me inspired and there is the ever present view of the Gatineau hills that I treasure so much…
Mocha – I haven’t really been drinking coffee since the middle of January. It is my way of showing self discipline – I figure if I can cut coffee out of my life for any period of time, then I’ve really accomplished something!
I guess for me though, focussing on the right thing has always been a problem.
Right now, I really need to focus on becoming myself independent of who and what everyone else thinks I should be. Who cares what society thinks I should be? Who cares what my friends think I should be? Who cares what my family thinks I should be?
I do.
I did.
I am changing.
I am having a really tough time breaking old habits.
I want to be my own person.
I guess that means that I will have to trust myself and accept that I will ‘lose sight of land’ for quite some time.
It has been a really tough week for me personally. I have been on an emotional roller-coaster.
Sometimes I enjoy being around people and other times I don’t enjoy it all.
Sometimes I find that the people I am around or talking to raise my self-esteem and other times I can feel it crashing into the ground.
Is this because of hormones? Maybe.
Is this because I’m in a fragile place in my transition? Maybe.
I am really just trying to maintain the strength to ‘be myself’.
I don’t want to be in situations where I find it difficult to be myself.
I want to be accepted as who I am not who I was or what others expect me to be.
I need to concentrate on friendships that nurture and support the newly emerging me.
I often find it too easy to slip into my old ‘role’.
I think this will most certainly mean that I will have to ‘chart a new course’. Try new things. Be experimental. Be daring.
I really, really want to hang on to the best parts of my old life but I know that I can’t do that at the expense of ‘me’.
I think I understand why some transwomen leave the place where they were living as men and start their new lives in new places. It gives them the opportunity to redefine themselves unencumbered by old expectations and un-tempted by the ‘comfort’ of their old ‘role’.
As a transsexual I am and always will be a ‘hybrid’. Because I was born male there are so many ‘bits’ of me that remain very male-like despite the hormones and the anti-androgens. Electrolysis has helped with some of the hair but for other parts of my body I will always be shaving – forever. My skeletal structure will always be very male – there is nothing I can do about that – my hands, my shoulders, my legs, my feet will remain as they are. Over the next few years (it takes a full five years for hormones to completely work their magic) my male parts may become more feminine looking – my quite male muscular legs may thin out a bit and become more feminine in appearance for example. As a man my body was quite masculine so as a woman the edges may become softer but I will always be slightly ‘different’.
But then again I am used to that.
I have always lived on the outside looking in.
I guess the difference now is that I am much happier with myself, despite my numerous imperfections.
I expect that, at different times, this summer will be tremendously joyous for me.
I expect that, at different times, this summer will be tremendously anguishing for me.
Redefining yourself at forty-one years of age is … an incredible opportunity.
(But sometimes it feels like an awful curse.)
As I wrote last week, I am an earth monkey and a Taurus. Earth and Taurus give me persistence and dependability and Monkey gives me adaptability. I think these traits ring true for me personally. Monkeys are also supposed to be highly sociable but it has only been since I’ve transitioned that I am beginning to understand how important people are in my life. I just have to learn how to deal with people so I have positive experiences – not negative ones.
I was a loner for most of my life but since I’ve transitioned, I don’t think I can handle that kind of isolation any more.
I have made many mistakes (my over-reaction to a relatively minor incident at a friends place a few weeks back which resulted in her refusing to allow me to visit her place anymore is an example of that) and I know I will make many more as I struggle to truly ‘find’ myself.
But this summer should be tremendously exciting for me no matter what happens.
It isn’t everyone that gets the chance to start living their life authentically at forty-one.
With the right focus, I know I will make the most of mine!!
Love,
Marybeth
I’m Worth It! June 14, 2009
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, family, friends, future, happiness, learning, love, transgender, transition, transsexual, work.2 comments
Sunday, June 14th 8:14 pm
Good evening everyone!!
What a great weekend I just had!!!
After working overtime on Friday, I went to a great restaurant (The Whalesbone in Ottawa) for dinner with a friend and few of her other friends and then I went over to visit a friend and an acquaintance for a glass of wine and good conversation. On Saturday I went rollerblading with a good friend and then she invited me over to her place for some barbequed steaks. That evening I joined her and her best friend for a drink and nachos! Today I did my chores, went rollerblading again, relaxed and read most of the third volume in the Sookie Stackhouse series by Charlaine Harris – ‘Club Dead’. I also spent some quality time with my cat ‘Lily’.
As my life gets closer to being normal I am starting feel more confident and more myself than I have ever felt before.
Which isn’t to say that I don’t have the occassional depressing day when I don’t feel confident at all it is just that my first thought isn’t ‘I need a drink’ or ‘I just want to play a computer game’. I think I am getting better at recognizing and dealing with my melancholy moments when they occur.
I really think that I am getting to know myself better than I ever have before.
And the more I get to know myself, the more I am liking myself.
I think that the next few years will be full of moments like that – from a life based on one essential dishonesty to one base on total self acceptance.
My first goal is to be able to say, honestly, that I love myself.
Once I do that then I will be able to trust myself more instead of second-guessing my decisions all the time.
I will be more self-confident.
As my self-confidence increases I will have the strength to be more assertive.
With more assertiveness will come more more self respect.
It is a long process – from self acceptance to love to trust to self-confidence to assertiveness and then to self-respect but it is an essential journey in which every step is as important as the next.
I know that I have flaws (or maybe a better term is challenges?) – we all do – but I am learning not to dwell on them I am accepting them. I acknowledge them and I will work to improve myself but I won’t let them stop me from being happy.
For so many years I didn’t love myself but now that I am whole and accepting of my personal challenges I am finding that I am beginning to. What a great feeling!!
What has made all this possible? Going full-time really helped but what has made it a reality is the support of my family, my friends and my co-workers. Without them I would probably still be in the self-doubt phase.
It is a life long journey founded on self acceptance and love.
I know that it won’t be easy – sometimes I do find myself slipping back into self doubt and depression but I don’t let it beat me anymore.
I fight back!!
Because I am starting to believe that I am really am worth it!
Thank you everyone!!
Love,
Marybeth
ps. I came across this really neat quote today:
He who postpones the hour of living is like the rustic who waits for the river to run out before he crosses. -Horace, poet and satirist (65-8 BCE)
Self-Worth and Understanding May 17, 2009
Posted by Marybeth in happiness, identity, reflection, transgender, transition, transsexual.add a comment
Sunday, May17th 7:08 am
Good morning everyone!
Looking out over the Gatineau hills I can see the bright sun and beautifully clear skies of a fresh spring morning. But the sun is deceptive since it is also quite cold and windy – only 3 degrees Celsius – so as long as I stay inside I can enjoy it!!
I had a good week overall – nothing really spectacular happened which means things are settling down to a more or less steady routine in my life. At work, I had a great conversation with my boss’s boss on Friday morning – she said my whole transition was kind of ‘underwhelming’ which I take as a compliment because I seem to be fitting in on the female side of things quite well. I couldn’t be more happy!
I saw Star Trek for the second time this week – this time on the IMAX screen!! What a neat experience, the sound system was so much better and the visuals were stunning – I felt like I was really in the middle of the action. It is a great movie that I would encourage everyone to go see if you haven’t already been – it isn’t just for geeks!
The more comfortable I get with my external self, the more time I have to deal with some of the internal issues that I have been struggling with during my transition like self-confidence, assertiveness and gaining a sense of self worth.
I guess the simplest way to understand my difficulties with these extremely straight forward concepts is to realize that I have hardly ever put myself first in anything. My general rule is to put the interests of others ahead of my own because – I justified to myself – I feel that since I am strong enough to handle anything that life throws at me the least I can do is to make life easier for others. It was better to err on the side of being selfless not selfish.
I say it is a general rule because I have stood up for myself on occasion but that was the exception, not the rule.
For so many years I lived my life according to how I felt others would want me to, only to realize that ‘they’ only wanted me to be happy.
I realize now that I’ve always given so much of myself because I didn’t feel that I mattered much in the big scheme of things. I reasoned that since I could look after myself – I didn’t need anyone’s help.
So I gave to others – often at the expense of myself.
I thought that my self-deprivations were a sign that I was doing the right thing but I realize that I am not a saint. A saint gives of herself because she has a strong sense of self – of her own self worth and self confidence. Her act of giving has value because it is given out of a sense of pure love. She loves herself and her giving is an extension of the love she feels.
When I gave in the past and, to some extent, when I give now, it is out of a sense of low self worth. I don’t deserve it – someone else deserves it more.
By defining my own happiness as the happiness of others I set myself up for big disappointments – I was only happy if they were happy. It was OK if I disappointed myself – it was unconscionable to disappoint anyone else. I struggled to meet their needs.
As bad as it sounds, since I defined myself in terms of what other people thought of me, I really didn’t have a strong sense of my own ’self’ at all. I looked to others for happiness because I had no idea of what constituted happiness for myself.
Transitioning to full-time has made me internally happy for the first time in my life – the hormones have helped but living as a woman all the time has really made me realize that I have worth in and of myself – that I am intrinsically valuable.
I matter.
My happiness matters.
They say that understanding and admitting to your difficulties is the first step to dealing with them.
I think that I am learning to love myself more and, as I gain more sense of self worth, I am sure that self confidence and assertiveness will follow.
A little selfishness is not a bad thing – it is a sign that we have a healthy love and respect of ourselves.
The more I love and respect myself, the easier it will be for others to do the same.
And the happier I will be!!
Love,
Marybeth
Fully, Authentically Myself May 3, 2009
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, happiness, learning, transgender, transsexual, work.2 comments
Sunday, May 3rd 8:24 am
Good morning everyone!
I am sitting here in bed typing away while my new vanilla-orange scented (soy!) candle burns in background and every so often I am freshly inspired by the view across the river into the Gatineau hills.
I have a big smile on my face and all I can think is ‘Wow, what a week!’
I don’t know what I really expected during my first week at work but I would have to say that whatever expectations I had they were exceeded!!
As with the introduction lunch I wrote about last week, everyone at work was super-kind and very supportive. I think I managed my way through the wardrobe minefield and even managed to get some needed work done. I didn’t hide in my office all day, I took the bus to and from work and went to the cafeteria for my lunches. I even went to a government-industry consultation meeting during the afternoon of my first day back (and survived!!)!
One of the first things that happened once I got back was that my picture was taken for the departmental ‘who’s who’ directory. Here is the picture they took:
I have a similar picture on my building identification.
The nicest thing about being full-time is that I don’t have anything to hide anymore and I am slowly relaxing into being the kind woman I always knew I was. Now that I am not changing back and forth all the time I find it much easier to be the essential feminine ‘me’. I don’t think I realized actually how stressful it was to be ‘in between’ until I stopped doing it. Sometimes I really admire those androgynous people who don’t identify with or clearly fit one gender label or the other but I guess they can do it because they are comfortable ‘in between’ in the same way that I am comfortable with being a woman all the time.
It is just another step in the very fulfilling and very exciting process of transition.
It is funny how things have changed since I took the definitive first steps to get to where I am right now. For example, I used to be a loner, very comfortable in my own private world that I shared with very few people. Now I’m not, which isn’t to say that I don’t still really enjoy the occassional ‘me’ day, but even on those days I don’t feel good unless I can talk to friends or family on the phone – in fact I tend to get antsy if I don’t. I had an evening like that this week. I got home from work after having a drink and some nachos at a local pub with my work colleagues and I needed to talk to someone. I phoned around to a few people I knew and I couldn’t get in touch with any of them. Then suddenly I felt very alone. It hit me like a tonne of bricks. I mean, I’m happy enough being on my own but I also need someone to talk to from time to time. I finally decided to call my parents and talk to them about it and they assured me that what I was experiencing was normal, that I wasn’t being needy – I was just being human.
And really that was what the whole week felt like.
I am finally getting a chance to be human.
A woman with emotions…
I can’t communicate how happy this week has made me. The support I received from my friends, my family and my co-workers was amazing. I feel so very fortunate.
A woman who is social…
Maybe this week was a special case but a good friend cooked for me on Tuesday night, we did some grocery shopping together on Wednesday night, I went for drinks with work colleagues on Thursday night, went for more beer and nachos with another friend and his wife on Friday night, had lunch with another good friend on Saturday, then cooked for and watched movies with another friend on Saturday afternoon/evening and am going out to see a movie this afternoon. I’ve never had this much going on my life – I love it!!!
A woman with an exciting future…
I can only begin to guess at what the future holds for me now. I have so much more energy and enthusiasm. I smile more often. I speak to strangers in the elevator, at department stores, on the street, I never did that before. I used to keep my head down and scowl, now I walk tall with a pleasant expression on my face.
I am proud of who I am.
Authentically myself.
A complete person.
Finally!!!
Love,
Marybeth
Easter and Change April 13, 2009
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, family, friends, happiness, transgender, transition, transsexual.add a comment
Sunday, April 12th 8:08 am
Good morning everyone!!
Happy Easter!!!!
In what is getting to be a habit, I am sitting in bed staring out the window into (what a nice surprise!) a clear blue sunny sky and contemplating what I should write about today.
As I sit here thinking I find that I amazed at how quickly time has flown by and how close I am getting to fulfilling a lifetime dream.
So much has happened since Christmas, it really has been a roller-coaster. So many ups and downs. My life has changed so much!
It is so tough to believe that – it is already Easter, it is the middle of April, it has been a month since I was last in my office at work, it has been over three weeks since my forehead surgery, in just over two weeks I will return to work as myself and in just two days my mom is coming to visit me for a week!!!
So much about transition is tough to believe.
So much about transition is about faith and trust.
I’ve had so much trouble with faith and trust over the years.
Words and concepts so similar yet so subtly different. Faith in a feeling or an ideal. Trust in myself or others. So intangible, so elusive.
If I’d had faith in my fundamental of myself as a girl or trusted in the understanding of others then I would have transitioned at a much younger age.
Having both would have been a blessing, having just one would have been sufficient.
It is tough to believe that I will finally be living full-time in just two weeks.
I wouldn’t have made it this far without having faith in myself and learning to trust others.
I know I still have a long way to go but I feel deep inside that I am finally on the right path.
April seems a very fitting time for me to transition to full-time since spring is a time of change and rebirth.
For some things we plant the seed in the spring and trust that it will deliver a bounty in the fall. For other things the seed was planted long, long ago and only the right conditions will allow it to grow and provide its’ bounty.
In the depths of winter it is tough to believe that spring will come.
Trust and faith.
I’ve waited many winters for my spring to come.
Being transsexual can sometimes be a very lonely road. At times we need to walk alone and at other times we have the pleasure of the company of others.
Without the understanding of my counsellor and the support of my friends and family I wouldn’t have made it this far.
Without learning to trust in myself and others and to have faith in myself I wouldn’t have been confident enough to transition.
My spring has finally come.
I am ready to bloom!
Love,
Marybeth
Letting it Go April 5, 2009
Posted by Marybeth in acceptance, emotions, forgiveness, happiness, hormones, reflection, transgender, transition, transsexual.add a comment
Sunday, April 5th 7:44 am
Good morning everyone!
I am once again snuggled like a bug in a rug in my comforter covered bed staring out across the river at the Gatineau hills. I have nice hot chocolate, a scented candle (jasmine!) and there is a fresh wind blowing through my partially opened window allowing for a bit a cool air to freshen up my bedroom and providing additional inspiration for my writing this morning.
I am not sure how to describe this week for me. It was full of ups and downs like everyone’s week I suppose. I am in still in the process of healing from my surgery of two weeks ago (which seems to be progressing nicely!) so didn’t do as much as I might have but I still kept busy doing things that needed to get done. I reconnected with a really good friend, had a manicure/pedicure, saw an amazing movie ‘The Reader’ and had some great Chinese food! Today is my day – I have a couple of books I want to read and some movies that look interesting – I might not even leave my bed!!!
During the week I think I started to realize (with a helpful nudge from my friend) the sheer amount of things that I need to get done before I go back to work later this month. I need to buy more clothes and shoes for work, evenings and everyday. I need to work more on my deportment and my appearance.
And above all else I need to prepare myself mentally for finally being myself at work.
Due to my past experiences (like military college for example…) I do have a thick skin but I must admit that I haven’t tested that thick skin in a while and, given some recent experiences, I am not sure how I might react given how the hormones have affected my overall emotional sensitivity. Suffice to say that I’ll stay wary and work hard to not let my emotions get too carried away on me!
Emotions seem to be playing a big part in my life these days. Some days they are the positive emotions of happiness, optimism and self-confidence but other days they are more negative ones like sadness, fear, shame and guilt. I think that each of these emotions are valid and healthy so long as you have them in the right balance and don’t dwell on the negative ones too much but some days it is easier to manage the balance than others.
My problem has been that I have lived such an inwardly focused life for so long that I have tended to dwell on unpleasant experiences and frustrations for far too long. I know that the healthiest thing to do is to learn what I can from those experiences and then ‘turn the page’ and yet… .
A very patient friend of mine told me yesterday that I need to ‘just let it go’ and, I suppose, that is exactly what I need to do.
There are so many experiences that I have had, so many choices that I made that I can’t change no matter how many times I turn them over in my mind.
I realized when she said ‘let them go’ that all of those negative feelings that I am masochistically clinging to are just holding me down. I am holding them to me so tightly that I can’t move forward until I …
just
let
them
go… .
The experiences that I had in the past.
The choices that I made in the past.
DON’T MATTER as much as.
What I decide to do NOW.
An obvious lesson perhaps but until she said those words to me yesterday – I didn’t realize how self destructive I’ve been all these years.
All the guilt and shame I’ve felt.
All the fear.
I realize now that…
To unwind myself.
To be free of my self imposed bonds.
To lose my chains.
All I have to do is to…
Forgive myself.
And to forgive others.
It has been a long, hard struggle to get to where I am now.
I have no reason to feel sadness, guilt, shame or fear.
I am free.
I am happy.
I am Marybeth Allison M.
Finally!!!
Love,
Marybeth
ps It looks like I will have to add another ‘to do’ to my list!!
